frozen flakes
land on my tongue
the taste of nothing
Author notes
Haiku 12 syllables
I'm just learning the proper use of this form.
In a list
A contest entry
- Technique of the Natural Haiku by azure85.
780 points, ended March 3, 2007, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Haiku Contest!! by KnightOfTheRose.
325 points, ended April 29, 2007, 39 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Honest feedback and constructive criticism please!
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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nice job!!! I really enjoyed reading this piece!! a beautifully written haiku!!!! I really liked the font you used too!!! thank you sooooo much for entering!! excellent work and the best of luck in my contest!!!
-Steve- -
Oh, I like the revision very much. And it could mean more than one thing too. See what myron says when he comes by, I think your revision is grand.
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Thanks Susie! I value your opinion highly, as well as Myron, Polly and Alan's feedback. I've been learning much from all of you! Thanks!
~Lori
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frozen flakes
land on my tongue
slowly melt
Thnak you for entering our contst/workshop. I agree with Susie that the first two lines of this haiku are pefect the way they are, but line three does seem to be a statment that they slowly melt rather than an image. Do you think to can come up with a sense image that will show that they slowly melt? -
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Thanks for the lovely comment, Polly! I've taken your advice and revised the last line of this piece. I hope that it adds an image better than previously. Any feedback would be welcomed and greatly appreciated. Thanks!
~Lori
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Awwww how cute, I just loved it great Haiku!
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Thanks Theresa!
~Lori
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Welcome to our haiku contest/workshop!
A fun haiku about winter time:
frozen flakes
land on my tongue
slowly melt
I like the beginning of this very much. Now, we know the flakes will melt, is there a comparison or contrasting image to heighten your thoughts in this haiku, that you could put in L3? See what other suggestions people leave for you, I am looking forward to this white wonder tomorrow.
Thank you for your entry and good luck in the contest.
Susie -
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Thanks Susie for the great comment and the wonderful feedback on this Haiku! I've made a revision in the last line. I hope it is an improvement. I really appreciate your help in revising my work, as I'm very eager to learn more of the complexities of writing powerful Haiku.
~Lori
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