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Visions High, Visions Lower

At the dark top of the mountain I wept.

The beauty was overwhelming.

Dark dark beauty overwhelming
me, scaring me.

Fog all around me not able to see anything.

Why can't I see anything
Why can't I see the beauty.

It is overwhelming.

I feel sadness overcoming me, holding me
not able to tear away.

I love the feelings I feel, so full of mystery.

What is so beautiful? It overcomes me.

The atmosphere is cloying, what is so beautiful
that I almost strangle.

I feel my body shudder. My surroundings are too beautiful.

The wide dark mountain covered
with grey rocks and red soil little flowers.

I see them on the dark mountain.
Is it daytime or nighttime?

Why is it so dark and haunting.
Memories overcome me.

Dark memories. I want to forget
those dark memories

They surround me choking me overwhelming me.

How do I leave here? I see no one--
just the dark mountain hovering over me

Surrounding me where I am
Why do I feel so closed in?

The mountain exudes heat fire warmth.
Haunting memories surround me.

My body is overcome. I feel it being
crushed by fog.

The feeling won't go away.
I'm tied up in my emotions.

They are powerful, like the dark mountain.
I shut my eyes to all around me
and then finally wake up.


The mountain and fog are still here.

How can I get rid of them? I need
to get rid of them, all these dark emotions.

Please be gone, be gone, be gone.
I must keep repeating it. Be gone.

Leave me in peace. I need peace . I crave peace.
Wonderful peace. Quiet peace. Loving peace. Great peace.

All-consuming peace.  I need to surrender to
peace peace and quite quiet quiet.

I love to write write write. Writing clears my mind
and soul leaving me at peace. Finally peace. Finally finally
I'm at peace.

There is no time. Time time time disappeared.

I feel rested. The turmoil is gone.Where did it go?
My body and mind serene.

No violent emotions. They're gone. They're gone.

What is a nightmare? What is a dream?
How do I tell the difference?


A nightmare a dream a sleepy dream.

No cares, no worries, just calm, soft calm.

It feels good. What is a nightmare?
My body at rest rest rest.

Feeling smoothness feeling quiet.
Must close my eyes  and feel the smoothness

It feels wonderful. I am at rest and peace, lovely peace.
I feel my pen in my hand wanting to go on, to where?
It's finished its work.

Where go from here? My yellow pen and yellow lined
pad need feelings. How many words are there? Words,
words, words--glorious words.

We talk with words, we write with words, we sing with words
glorious words.

What is a poet? A wordsmith, an ideasmith, a feelingsmith.
Who wants to be a poet? Express words, express feelings, express
emotions deep and dark and rich. It's life itself, a good thing.

I breathe I breathe, I breathe!!
I rest at peace.

Author notes

vivela

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 90 of 90

  • whispernthedark Greeters member
    March 29

    Edit | Reply
    thank you for entering the contest. good luck.

    ♥
    whisper

  • StarIlluminated
    March 21

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    Woah, I just went and counted, 36 contests? Wow. I liked this a lot! It was very detailed and descriptive. One thing that could use tweaking was that it was not entirely on track. It's about dreams, but then you get into dying. And I know this is in a million other contests that probably require death, but my contest requires dreams. But it was an amazing write! Keep it up! And good luck I will probably just look at your dreaming part of this to judge it.
    Illuminated *KT*

  • Melissa Burns
    March 6

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    Thank you for entering my humble little contest. I am having fun exsposing myself to something different. Good luck

  • Starlight-Owl
    February 23

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    Interesting piece. It was quite well formatted and flowed nicely. It is entered in a lot of contests... I liked it a lot. It had a choppy flow but not in a bad way. (I hope that makes sense.) Best of luck

  • Metaphorist
    February 7

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    Wow! You should get a prize for having a poem entered in the most contests. lol. A bit too long for my taste, but thanks for entering.

  • vivela gold member
    February 7
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    I love Metaphorist


  • vivela gold member
    January 30
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    vivela

    grand theft autumn

  • Anguas-Confusion gold member
    January 8

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    Keep penning... something makes me feel as if you haven't quite applied yourself fully, the way the style changes during the poem, it was a very interesting read and it made me think quite a bit. I really did quite enjoy it in a strange way. Thank you very much for adding it to my contest it made me remember a few things. Thank you. The very best of luck to you. xXx

  • Lone-Fairrie
    January 3

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    Its a great poem, I ver much enjoyed reading it however I do not see how it is about an actual dream. It seems to me to be about poetry...

  • B Chandler
    January 2

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    Opinion

    Well after 'three years', I finally arrived to comment (lol). The write's periods, to me, seemed like road bumps--that they aren't delievering the full weight of the poem. Imagery wise it's okay but hold back onto itself. Keep penning

  • Soulful Woman silver member
    January 2

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    I realized after I clicked that I had read this before. It was a beauty to read the first time and had the same feeling this time. This is simply beautiful writing.
    Soulful Woman
  • mmook
    December 31, 2007
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    thanks for sharing

  • ears2hearyou gold member
    December 31, 2007

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    I enjoyed how you wrote this....

    very very open with a lot of air in it almost a little
    too much at times...yet it kept pulling and pulling us
    as readers to follow you on this poetic path...interesting how you did that.
    Good job on this...may you be overwhelmed with peace and
    many blessings for this new year 2008!
    ears2hearyou
    Kathleen : ))

    . Rewarded 6


  • knickerdew
    December 30, 2007

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    i felt as though I was peering inside anothers mind, in a place seldom shared with others.
    A very powerful poem in it's own right.
    I don't usually like this type of poetry but this one has a difference in it.
    Perhaps that it is so close to what runs through my mind with my daily emotions?
    Hmmm... well regardless I like it, very much actually and thank you for sharing it.

    . Rewarded 8


  • ellipsist
    December 17, 2007

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    wow - this is entered into a lot of contests... thanks for this entry... this composition is not my cup of tea... especially due to the already considerable length of the poem, I find the spacing distracting and it makes it feel longer... the repetition of the words "dark" and "feel" throughout in many various tense is unnecessary, in my opinion... I am personally, not fond of repetition...

  • Hope Angel gold member
    December 16, 2007
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    That is beautiful. That is just awesome. Great write and good luck!

  • Heavenly Angel
    December 8, 2007
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    A fine sharing into this contest
    Thank you for being a part; I wish you the best of luck

  • Danna Hobart
    November 27, 2007
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    You really need to stop entering this in contests that it has nothing to do with.

  • RawrrKat
    November 27, 2007
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    A. Totally whored out & B. Quote for Comment, Read Rules

  • dead-love-for-fun
    November 26, 2007
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    Sweet.

  • LadyUnique silver member
    November 26, 2007

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    i relish the moments of peace i find as they are so rare. my mind seldom rests so i can relate to this write. you've projected turmoil and tranquility

    my only suggestion would be to substitute synonyms for the repeated words like peace & mountains. too much repition takes away from your writing

    . Rewarded 6


  • Oe-mazing
    November 25, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    ...

    Your poem is being removed because you did not follow instructions...
  • Agent of Purgatory
    November 24, 2007

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    There is the use of mantras

    to come back from the edge uncomfortable emotion
    outside the contest i would hang a full applause on this poem but in the guidelines I think it far from insane.

    your mind is poetic,I look forward to reading more of your poems.

    In ink,
    AoP

  • michaeline gold member
    November 23, 2007

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    This poem makes me think of my own feelings.It so adaciutly describes the way that I feel so much of the time.You convey your thoughts wonderfully and are very gifted in writing.Your imagry matches no other.I sincerly hope that you win your contest.

    . Rewarded 4


  • georgie
    November 20, 2007

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    a wonderful piece... although personally i love the feeling of terror. i used to walk thru the park at night alone for just that feeling of beauty and terror all rolled into one. a great write,
    hugs,
    georgie,
    xxx

  • TwilightDazzles
    November 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is good, I liked it and am shocked you were able to keep me reading it as it is quite long, but I read with ease. I do need you to put your name in your author's notes

    . Rewarded 4


  • VirginiaDarling
    November 3, 2007

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    Very awsome poem. I noticed this has been in a lot of contest, it really should have won more than an HM. I think this write was a joy to read. So full of emotion. Keep up the great work.

  • Soulful Woman silver member
    November 1, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    There have been so many times I have been captivated with beauty and become overwhelmed with the experience. This was an awesome piece of writing. Great job.
    Soulful Woman

    . Rewarded 4


  • Meet Your Meat
    October 30, 2007
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    there are a lot of good poems out there!

  • Meet Your Meat
    October 30, 2007
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    OK WOW!

  • Midnight Lace
    September 30, 2007

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    You have some really deep and intense thoughts flowing through the lines here. It leaves the reader with a lot to savor. Thank you for sharing and keep that pen handy dear poet!
    midnight lace
  • californiagirl
    September 19, 2007
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    Wow. This is unlike anything I've read before. Thank you for your entry, it's amazing!
  • mandyb
    September 19, 2007
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    pretty. i luv it..... its sad but beautifu
  • ian sawicki silver member
    September 11, 2007

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    a good piece of poetry you have written here, i enjoyed reading it very much, good luck in the contests!

  • soulfultia gold member
    June 19, 2007

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    This was a deeply emotional penning, pulled the reader in! I had to read it twice to make sure I didn't miss anything, it was certainly deep! This had a nice smooth flow and for me it was a wonderful read, certainly my pleasure to read this evening, keep up the good work! ~Tia

    . Rewarded 6


  • Northern Raven
    June 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    My first reaction to this poem was that it’s written by someone who is locked into a place with feelings and emotions that they can’t escape from, and that impression stayed with me until almost the end of it. Having read it several times, I have two trains of thought as to where that place was, the first being someone ensnared in the lonely world of depression, fighting to escape, trying to stay positive while battling against the overwhelming odds caused by indistinct, repetitive and spiralling thoughts which led me on to my second conclusion that it was a dream or nightmare from which the author couldn’t wake up.

    I wasn’t endeared to the overall length of this poem, though there is nothing wrong with longer writes, but I think the concepts could be expressed just as well, if not better, by condensing down a little, thus making more impact on the reader and not allowing them to drift away from the focal points. I like the use of repetition in some pieces of work because it can emphasize concepts and sustain interest but in this particular piece I felt it was overused to the point of fatigue, but this is a personal issue for me and others may view it differently. Repetition in this poem is partly necessary to strengthen it but I think the use of a thesaurus to replace some of the existing words might boost it to something more than it is at the moment. There are some grammatical errors in this work that could be ironed out quite simply by the author to aid the flow.

    To be more positive, I find poetry that questions or leaves the reader with something to ponder on is far more inspiring than those that don’t and this piece does ask the reader to search further than the written lines.

    Thank you for entering the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with your entry! Your work may also be viewed by other Raven judges.

    Northern Raven

  • Shadows-stars
    May 16, 2007

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    This is a nicely written poem... however with the length of it I feel like some of the repeats where a bit too much... but it could very well suit lyrics with a few changes... the flow and rhythm is still good and makes this poem an enjoyable read.. well done!
    thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
    peace and light always.

  • Cavca
    May 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I like the lines "I feel it being
    crushed by fog." and "What is a nightmare? What is a dream?//How do I tell the difference?" They are very well written. However, I think the use of repetition is unneeded. And I'm not sure I understand the connection between the title and the piece. It was good, but it was also long. It's hard to pay attention when it seems to keep going like yours did. In any case, good luck to you in my contest.

  • XxtragicaffairxXMCR
    May 10, 2007
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    interesting piece. good luck to you in my contest.

  • vampireblood
    May 9, 2007

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    This was a really good piece as well. However, it is quite long and was hard to keep consentration. But either way it was well written. Nicely done my dear. Thanks for entering and best of luck to you in my contest.
    ~~~Vampy~~~

  • vivela gold member
    May 8, 2007
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    your hates your lies

    Is this right??..vivela

  • Amethyst SilverMoon gold member
    May 7, 2007

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    Great write! There was a whole bundle of emotions rolled into this poem and they all flowed nicely! Thanks for your entry into the contest.

  • Picnic-Lightning
    May 6, 2007

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    Hm, this is very nicely done---I congratulate you on being the first so far to achieve this effect--I like the fact that in the last few stanzas, it's unclear whether or not the poem continues in a dream, or whether the speaker is now awake.--The only problems I had with it were very minor, very technical, and very easily fixed.

    1. "My surroundings are too beautiful." Did not fit in my opinion--the wording was just a bit awkward, and it would probably be easier just to take it out all together than to find a combination that would sound right there--

    2. Same goes for "it's life itself, a good thing"

    and 3. I didn't like the final line---I don't know why, but I just didn't like it--If it were me, I'd end "I breath, I breath, I breath..." and just leave it at that.

    Very nice, solid piece of work--thank you for entering, and good luck,
    -Nadya

  • LaLaLie
    April 9, 2007
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    Thanks for entering and good luck.

  • VaioXHailey
    April 3, 2007

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    very nice choice of words but when i say dark i mean true dark not the word over and over again. but thanx for entering it was fun to read.
  • statechampbaby
    March 26, 2007

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    This is really good and I personally thought WOW! Good luck in the many many contest this is entered in... it will do great! Rock on! xoxo Meg

    • vivela gold member
      March 26, 2007
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      oboebaybee

      Thank you for your emthusaiasm about visions high visions lower. I really appreciate your encouragement!! Warm Regards...vivela

  • leakypen
    March 26, 2007

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    This is impressive and haunting. I like your use of repitition, it's very effective. A good write, thank you!

    • vivela gold member
      March 26, 2007
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      leakypen

      Thank you so much for your wonderful comments on visions high, visions lower. Your words mean a great deal to me!! Warm Regards...vivela

  • Debbysmiles gold member
    March 24, 2007

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    Very nice, emotioned packed piece. Felt like deep emotions strung together. It read more like prose. Good work. Debby

    • vivela gold member
      March 26, 2007
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      Debbysmiles

      Thank you so much for your very positive comments about visions high visions lower. I really appreciate your words!! Warm Regards...vivela
  • luvdrkchocolate
    March 17, 2007

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    Oh my. This is quite some poem that you have here. The first few lines seems so gentle but quickly escalate into some intense feelings. It made me think of someone that was dreaming and that dreaming turned into a complete nightmare. It was kind of scary. I think that you've done a good job of expressing yourself.

    • vivela gold member
      March 17, 2007
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      luvdrkchocolate

      Thank you for your comments on visions high visions lower. I think you really got the gist of the poem as I meant it to be understood. Many thanks!! Warm Regards...vivela

  • Patricia Oliver-Jen
    March 15, 2007

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    The Everything Poem

    It seems like you tried to pack everything in here and succeeded. The poet's suitcase, I'd call it.

    • vivela gold member
      March 16, 2007
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      Mendenhall

      Thank you so much for your positive comments on visions high visions lower!! I so appreciate your words!! Warm Regards...vivela

  • XHollowXEyesX
    March 10, 2007

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    this is a awesomewrite, though it could do with less repeativness and maybe some more...flow.
    but none the less still a great write.
    thanks for entering

  • Mel-the-Believer
    March 9, 2007

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    This was really, really good. I liked it a lot. You wrote it wonderfully. I could feel the emotion in it. Good luck in the contest. God Bless!

  • mama-drama
    March 8, 2007

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    lol wordsmith,i'll start calling myself an ideasmith, I like that! Lovely poem, I like the repetition, brings out your emotions very well and I like your style too. This poem brings out your creativity well and am glad that at last, you found immense peace.

    • vivela gold member
      March 9, 2007
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      CausticWitch

      Many thanks for the positive comments about visions high visions lower! Your words mean more to me thatn you can imagine!! Warm Regards...vivela

  • rollingzen
    March 8, 2007
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    one word of response..editing

  • Shadows of wolves
    March 7, 2007

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    The wide dark mountain covered
    with grey rocks and red soil little flowers.



    You paint alot of beauty in the dark .

    Much enjoyed.

    Pen on

    Shadows

    • vivela gold member
      March 7, 2007

      Edit | Reply

      Shadows of wolves

      Thank you so much for your beautiful comment on visions high visions lower. A relief to find someone who enjoyed the poem!! I appreciate your words more than I can express.
      Warm Regards...vivela

  • B Chandler
    March 7, 2007
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    Agree

    Just like FindingFate had spoken, the repetition is detaching itself away form what you're conveying. Secondly, the periods after each and very line written definitely makes me want to play a game of solitare, Maybe if you took some time, rework this because sometimes its not the length that impacts a poet but how you can impact those who are reading your words
  • FindingFate
    March 3, 2007

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    Sorry but this is not quite what I was looking for. I think the repetitive words throughout were unneccesary. Just my opinion. Thank you for your time.

  • CrystalJet
    March 3, 2007
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    This poem was pretty good, but a little too long for my taste. You also repeated some words a little too much too. That is just my personal opinion, you don't have to change it, especially after seeing how much everyone else liked it. Thank you for my entry and good luck in my contest.

  • Peteskid gold member
    March 2, 2007

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    wow, this was quite an effort

    so the effort alone deserves praise; it seems like two write superimposed and the net result is the reader being moved in more than one direction at a time... this poem has a unique construction and there are some fine elements of s