Is this a fantasy, or is this real
What I see and what I feel?
.
These corridors seem to me all the same
White with doors and I can’t explain
.
Behind each door within my mind
There’s things that I don’t want to find
.
Things that I have pushed aside,
For I have lived and I have died
.
Many times, among my fears
I have shed too many tears
.
Tears of terror, tears of pain
Come to smother me again
.
Demons lurk behind each door
Feeding on me, wanting more
.
Every door I open wide
Bids me welcome, come inside
.
There they wait, in shadows dark
Out to touch me, leave their mark
.
Depression is the worst of all
Takes me over, makes me fall
.
Thoughts of harm fill my mind
Demons of the blackest kind
.
I await to find the door
With DEATH behind, instant rapport
.
There are many doors where I must knock
While DEATH is laughing, out to mock
.
For I'm the one who had it all
Who never listened to the call
.
Now I wander aimlessly
A maze of white engulfing me
.
When will I find that peace of mind
That leaves me silent, leaves me blind
.
As I approach another door
Is this my time, my evermore?
In a list
A contest entry
- Numbing the Pain by FaeRae.
900 points, ended April 24, 2007, 17 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Raven Qualifier - Dark: Anger, Angst and Goth by Raven Contest.
450 points, ended August 1, 2007, 131 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - *Options* by Madison Mary.
600 points, ended July 1, 2007, 16 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 67 of 67
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Not a bad job with this.
In line 3, I'd change "be" to "me". The line would read smoother.
This line also:
There's many doors that I must knock
(there are many doors where I must knock) - "doors" is the plural subject, not "there".
Anyway, other than that, good job. -
love the rhythm, the rhyming seemed natural and I love the picture to add even more visual!
"Things that I have pushed aside,
For I have lived and I have died"
thanks for entering -
Another good piece of writing, smooth and interesting. Line 34 and 35 were the only stumbling point i noiced, just a near rhyme and a slight abberation of rhythm.
Thanks again, It's been good to finally read your work.
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Wow. I heard you were good, but this is amazing!!! I'm speechless. The imagery of doors and demons, the drowning emotion, the pace and form- Impressive!
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Fantastic
This poem is simply fantastic, it covers life's fears so very well. I see the corridor that you portray here as being parts of the mind the storage rooms in which we shut away so many memories and the ones we are fearful of opening. this is as I say fantastic and well deserved the wins here. (Brian)
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Awesome write Sue...I feel the door in front of me is closed...lol...Mystery
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Ah, a fine poem, most certainly!
Impressive lines!
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very nice, very dark
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Very good. This poem ellicits emotions that all have felt at times in life, fear, depression, thoughts of death...exellent.
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Very nice poem.
I loved your poem. We live in a world like a game in play only thing is the rules were left out. We have to find our own way through this life. Praying that Gods grace and mercy grant us the peace we seek.
. Rewarded 4
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zI like this poem well written
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THis is a very lovable poem. THis carries all the necessary prerequisites a great work of art needs. Keep going and keep on giving us such beauties Sue
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i love it. very very good. one of the best. very nice job. thanks for your entry and the best of luck to ye.
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just to let the writer know doesn't seem like suicide,
. I like the punctuation of the lines and how you used only couplets the grammar and such were right on i could find nothing wrong, the rhythm was steady and strong, and the fluidity of the lines very good. The way the poem is voiced makes me think of the way we can put life into any kind of symbolism be it a door, water, or a sandwich. Personally this is one of my favorite symbols, endless doors, and only 1 hallway. overall a great piece, good luck in the 2007 Raven Contest Qualifier and good luck in all of your future writes.
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Wow, I can totally hear Amy Lee singing this one! Rather strange, seeing as the first verse reminds me of the song, "You're Still Here", by Faith Hill:
"...And I woke up, wondering what was real. Is it what you see and touch, or what you feel?"
It has that Gothic, morbid sort of edge to it, and I just fell in love with it, from the first word to the last. I love your work, Sue... You're an awesome poetess! Take care!
Best wishes,
Laura
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I do believe you've been inside my head at one point in the past. Rather freaky since you managed to find the exit sign underneath all the cobwebs and gunk from my ears. Kudos to you for that.
Extra points to you just for the rhyming. (Not that they matter, but they're nice to have.) A tough subject that everyone takes a crack at, and you did perfectly in my opinion. Just the idea of using plain doors is awesome, in my book. I just loved it. Nicely done.
Sweetest of dreams! ~D
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Congratulations!
Congrats on getting an "Honorable Mention!" You chose a really, really tough path: couplets. That you were able to write in this style so well & with a smooth flow is testiment to your ability. And the image you provided really added something. Congratulations again, and thank-you for entering my contest!
***Rae***
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Oh so good the imagery is grand and the words flow with ease, so sad for me cause I know these doors I've faced each and every one of them ... a grand write best of luck in this contest...
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Well Done
This was a very thought-provoking piece; I would have liked to hear more of your "story" in the author's notes! For such a long rhyming poem, the flow was amazing, if just a bit off in a few places. But you chose a hard path; a long rhyme. My hat's off to you for keeping it up so well and for so long! I could not have done so. Your words are very powerful here.
Well done & thanks for entering!
***FaeRae*** -
realy amazing
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This is very well written. A flow is established as well as a good, simple rhyme scheme. The ideas behind it is superb. Nice inking my fellow poet.
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I really enjoyed this journey of introspection, beautifully written.
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great write it was very deep and it was moving...wonderful
redderthenroses
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This is really well done. Even though this poem is extremely simple it is also very, very deep. Beautifully written!
Chelsea
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Kudos
I really like this one. The short couplets are simple, yet deep, and rhyme wonderfully. The metaphors and imagery are outstanding. This is spectacularly written. Amazing job! Keep it up!
~Oreo
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The emence choices we have in life! One never knows until they "open" the door. I really love the poetry and rhyme of this piece. I think you did a great job with the rhyme and flow ....keep penning on!
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I think your "doors" metaphor is referring to all the paths we can take in life, and you are overpowered by all the choices we have. At least, that's what I got from the poem. I thought it was well written and flowed well, although I was a little bit confused why behind the doors there are so many evil things. My favorite line is "Now I wander aimlessly/ A maze of white engulfing me"
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this poem flowed great, and the syllables of each line complmented eachother perfectly. I loved this poem, it has such wonder and power about it. Great job!!
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OOOOO....chilling! I loved it, such an appropriate pic for it, and I love the imagery! The bright white hides nothing, but the doors hold mystery and fear...so many paralells to life, a fantastic write!! Bravo!!
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Very intensely powerful write with exclelent flow and rhyme!! I have but one suggestion, and it's more personal preference and does not deter from the write very much at all: I would suggest that Death as a proper noun, such as you have used here, be capitilized but only the first letter. The entire thing in caps is a bit overemphatic, to me, and slows the pace of the poem, as it is often used for just such a device to "explode" a particular word, usually an ending thought, rather than a name in the middle as you have here. As always, just a thought and it's your work so if you like it then leave it be! Best of luck in this and all of your endeavors.
Peg
. Rewarded 4
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Wow. I love this poem so much. It is a brilliant display of penmenship and rhyme. Great Work!!!
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All Engulfing
This poem drew me in throuh your many doors of torment. Depression is such a dreadful illness to have to bear and I feel your pain. So dark and scary. Very well written too.
Julie.
. Rewarded 4
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Wow. This is a great poem. I love the pic and the imagery. I can so esasily relate to this poem..depression is a battle for me too. I never know what the next day will bring...some happy some not.
"These corridors are all the same
White with doors, I can’t explain
.
Behind each door within my mind
There’s things that I don’t want to find
.
Things that I have pushed aside
For I have lived and I have died"
That is my favorite pary of the poem. It describes me in ways, espeacially the part of there's things that I don't want to find.
Great Job over all. The poem is beautifully written and flows so well, the picture is painted so well and I can hear the cries. WEll done, my fellow poet. Take care and keep up the great work.
. Rewarded 4
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i love your work this was well wrote i think you can really go far and beyond with your work i applaud you on this piece so much soul and heart went into this thank you for sharing it with all of us poor souls.
. Rewarded 4
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I really liked this poem. i really like how your poem discribes the picture so well. You are a good writer and loved how everything flowed so well...great job.
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Couplets!
I love the formatting of this poem. It makes it so that its not to hard on the eyes. And of course, couplets are a plus. I absolutely love the last line, makes me think of the matrix...
. Rewarded 4
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Amazing flow and imagery. Keep it up!
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The stark whiteness is more creepy than dark haunted house images, very well done, good metaphors. Hope you are well.
. Rewarded 4
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I really enjoyed the poem! Your rhyming was generally very good and you had good meter. However, when the rhyme was forced or the meter slipped it took away from the poem. Otherwise, very nicely done with a good metaphorical premise!
. Rewarded 4
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This is beautifully penned. I liked the picture you put at the top, it really adds to your poem. Also, my favorite part I think was the part about things hiding behind the doors that you dont want to face.
I believe that we all have something or another hiding in the shadows, we just dont all admit it!
I found the part about death bringing silence chilling. I hope there is more than darkness on the other side! If you go before me, let me know ok? LOL Anyways, I liked the construction, the picture, and the straightforwardness of this write.
Thanks for sharing it.
. Rewarded 4
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very good
Grat write, alttle depressing, but many of us share the same thoughts
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Very Deep
Sue This sure is a very deep dark write. But then I would guess if it is read correctly we all have those doors lurking just waiting for us to pull us down into the doom and gloom of life. Brilliant write Sue all my best wishes loves ya Brian.
. Rewarded 4
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WONDERFUL
OUTSTANDING DARK AND BRILLIANT. WHAT MORE CAN I SAY. YOU HAVE PUSHED THE BOUNDARIES WITH THIS ONE. THIS IS BRILLIANT. THE FLOW, SUPERB, THE EMOTIONS ARE SUPERB. AND THE IMAGERY IS OUTSTANDING. THE RHYME IS OUTSTANDING TOO. NOW YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO BETTER THIS ONE.
WELL DONE MY DARKMISTRESS
xxxxxxxxxxxx
YOUR DARKMASTER
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