split second
her new pair of pants
are too tight
Revision
in a split second
her new pair of pants
skin-tight
In a list
A contest entry
- TAKE A BREAK FROM NATURE! - Haiku-Senryu Contest by sandgoddess.
600 points, ended April 1, 2007, 29 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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in a split second
her new pair of pants
skin-tight
This is a humorus Senryu with vivid images. I like the dual meaning of the word split in L1. L2 & L3 get to the fabric of this poem and it's not a stretch to see how this could happen. Fun word picture here.
Dennis -
I LOVE the overall revisions! No one including Myron himself can claim that A-HA line isn't all image now! ( Y ) and I like the way the first line really plays so well into moment of time overall moment of this haiku!
Jo
SPECIAL P.S. TO MYRON: Sorta "cheeky," don't you think? -
What can I say – brilliant little senryu. myron has a point regarding line 3, but can it be revised to include an image and still work that well? It’s up to you…
Good luck,
rachel
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very nice poem, i know what that feels like right now,
good luck int he contest
John
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Laughing here because I remember this happening to me. It wasn't they were too "tight" but some shoddy stitching though that didn't allow for too much "give" in the seat of those pants!
Really cute senyru moment and image, and best wishes to you in the contest!
Jo
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lol
oh, this one gave me a good chuckle.
you have good material (lol) for a senryu here, although i think it could be revised a little bit. for instance, is your last line an image or a statement?
all the best,
myron. -
Thanks for entering this contest. Comments will be made in a couple days. Dennis
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