.x.[<3].x.
An angel drifts past with tears on her face
For her world down below has fallen from grace
The tiny droplets of water that form in her eyes
Fall down on this land as rain from the sky
And the inhabitants briefly look up to curse the foul weather
That was brought about for reasons they would’ve never
Thought about in their world full of death
Injustice and suffering as the angel draws breath
But her tears and her sadness are not for the people that die
For they aren’t the reason why she floats past to cry
The loneliness and heartbreak below are profound
But not the reason she grieves, they are always around
For centuries and millennia; pain, anguish and war
But now much more than ever, much more than before
Her job now is vacant, she has nothing to do
But sit there, silently crying for the brave and the few
For she was once a merchant of death to the Earth
Bringer of the end to those who deserved
Even those that did not, she would not discriminate
For she was content in the lives that she’d take
But now down below, they don’t need her anymore
For as they grew greater so did their flaws
And the killing grew worse, each generation to the next
Genocide…rape…a nation suppressed
And as they fought daily, more deadly and vain
She no longer had to dish out her pain
She was becoming obsolete, now they could do it themselves
Killing on a much vaster scale than she could’ve dealt
So she unsheathed her sword, held high ‘bove her head
Hoping she could now bring about her own death
And she plunged it right through her still beating heart
But her soul kept on living and would not depart
The masses below became confused as the rain
Took on a more scarlet and crimson like stain
“A sign from God," they said it must be
Another cause for more bloodshed and further tyranny
And high up above the angel cried out aloud
For all of the lives she had taken, and the fact she’d found
That she could not take her own life and had to live with the thought
Of all the torment, ache and sorrow that she had caused
Living on was the worst possible punishment there could be
As she joined her poor world in poisoned misery
.x.[<3].x.
Author notes
ilovethomix
supergangorgeousfantilliamatastic
I hope this fits into your contest
Option 16 - Society
ilovethomix
Lycan Lore, wholesome whore, bretheren breed, bloody bed!
In a list
- VIII. Trophies I: Honourable Mentions • next in list
- VIII. Trophies III: Silver • next in list
- II. Angels • next in list
- VI. My Favourites • next in list
- III. Dark • next in list
A contest entry
- Give Me Everything You Have And I'll Give You All I Have by BloodyCrystalEmbers.
550 points, ended May 6, 2007, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark Lighted Night Days by Fallen Archangel.
500 points, ended June 29, 2007, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Shot Down Angel by Dead Hair.
450 points, ended July 28, 2007, 15 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - World So Cold by Festering Eye Sore.
300 points, ended August 12, 2007, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Cynical view on life/death in the world today
Comments
1 - 42 of 42
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Yes and no ...
I see from my previous comment that I already mentioned the erratic meter. However, on rereading this, I find that it's better than I originally thought. It's got heart anyway. However, it's not something for a serious poetry competition. It's more of a ... I don't know, exactly ... more of an emotional high type thing.
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Good job, and it seems I am not the only one who thinks so
This fits well into the contest, so thanks for entering and good luck!
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Beautfiul
I absolutely loved this poem, although it was a bit of a story you kept it very poetic. This nearly brought tears to my eyes, thank you for the gorgeous peice. -
Hmmmmm ...
The meter in this is very erratic. You didn't read the rules of the contest. No rhymed free verse.
Your premise here is good, and the point well-taken, but I have to DQ this since it doesn't meet the requirements of the contest. I see Nam also mentioned the meter not working well. -
There's an apparent flow, I feel, you were attempting to get in the telling of this piece. I would suggest making this syllable count. Since the lines are variably long but without too many filler words (some do have them) I would suggest between 8-10 syllables each line. It would help in the read (i.e.: meter, cadence) and would greatly improve the piece as a whole, I feel.
"And high up above the angel cried out aloud" - the use of "And" in the beginning isn't needed, and "out aloud" with the use of "cried" before "out", you're just saying the same thing. I would suggest removing "out".
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I just want to say that I absolutely love this. I especially love the lines, "“A sign from God," they said it must be/Another cause for more bloodshed and further tyranny" I can really see why you got gold! Congrats on the amazing storyline and opinion.
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Mmm, I must say, I like it quite a lot.
This poem lifts up the reader, bringing them to a private, and almost intruding place, watching a weeping angel that should not have to be in such sorrow.
Allows them to watch, and feel her pain, and then suddenly, though it was known to be coming, one feels as if they're falling. Obsolete as a single droplet of her blood. Dropped back down and faced with the sad fact that they'll have to regain conciousness, and even more depressing, the realization that this is our world.
Excellent writing.
-Allura
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I bet that enough people get killed nowadays, that the angel of death has some spare time. A very true and thought-provoking write. I love the rhyme and flow to this, gives a surreal quality.
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This was a magnificant write.
It took a turn I definetly didnt see coming. I could hardly expect the angel to stab herself, I like most who would read it I assume would expect the tears to come of seeing death decay and torment upon the earth. Spo that twist was an amazing addition to the reading of this work.
Very well written and indeed a great read ^_^
kepp it up and good luck in my contest as well as in all your future endevours.
adieu
--Lucian Adonis -
very well written!
Good luck in the contest!
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I don't normally like long poems, but I really enjoyed reading this.
The rhyming is exellent throughout the whole piece, wich must have been very hard to do! So well done =] And I love rhyming, I really think it adds to a poem.
I love the lines :
The tiny droplets of water that form in her eyes
Fall down on this land as rain from the sky
So pretty.
Thank you for entering and Good Luck!! :] -
Kind of a tragedy
Kind of sad story, good rhyme, great flow. Good job. & Good luck. -
Great stuff!
Okay... now I see the resemblence. You lured me into your poem when you said that mine - Devil's thoughts - was very much like yours. Well... it is.
Although this poem was long (and I hate long, boring poems) I liked it a lot. In fact, I pretty much enjoyed it. I loved it's flow and, of course, I loved the rhyme (I'm a rhyme freak).
The story you told was very good indeed. The angel of death was suffering and her tears were the rain. Although I always imagined the angel of death to be a man it wasn't that awkward to read about a 'she'.
Great write.
I'm pretty impressed.
MoodyPoet.
P.S. Good luck in judging that contest of yours.
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Thank you very much for your awesome comment
I am glad you liked it, and I'm a bit of a rhyme freak too...I always tell people I very much prefer rhyme in my contests but there are always some people determined to ignore that lol, oh well. I guess I used a "she" because everyone just assume...that God (whether he exists or not) etc is a man, so why should it be that way...I mean I'm a bloke but that doesn't mean we have, the right I guess you'd day...to make everything ours...Again thank you for your comment and applause. Take care x
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a deep and entertaining poem, could it be an allegory for yourself? anyway it is written it was unique, thank you for entering and good luck
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Thanks for your comment x
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Very thought provoking.
I really enjoyed the read. Dark poetry is really not my thing but I have a few of my own. ( a challenge I needed.
) I especially liked.
The masses below became confused as the rain
Took on a more scarlet and crimson like stain
There are some forced issues that a rhyming book would help. My wife bought me one & I love it. Brings better words to your mind as you write. & I can tell that your imagery would flourish with one. Good job. I could tell you put alot into it. But some paces were a bit forced. Great topic.
~Ron~
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Thank you very much for your comment, I might just ask my girl-friend for one lol, or just heavily hint to her
Thanks again x take care x
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I like this it tells a very good story, some places here and there the rhymes seems a little forced, especially the sixth line of the first stanza, it doesn't sound finished with that rhyme and because the reader reads it as the end of the sentance being thought, it sort of throws off the flow a bit..
the rhyming pattern is well kept through the rest of the poem.. a few spots in the second and third stanzas I felt a bit lost with the story, but you seemed to tell it well and end it well that it really didn't matter..
Overall a great read with great imagery, well done!!
thank you for entering my contest and good luck..
peace and light always. -
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Thank you for your comment, I kind of agree with the 6th line of the first stanza, but I like to keep the reader on their toes! (or that's my excuse and I'm gonna stick to it) x take care and good luck with your contest x
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Thank you for subjecting yourself to my review. I am not a fan of dark poery, but if I look objectively at this poem. I wil admit that it was very well thought out. It does have its areas where it is a litle awkward and the meter stumbles just a little. Overall a good poem.
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Thank you for your comment x
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loved the piece, gret job and very nice imagery, thanks for entering and fantastic job.
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wow,what an amazing piece of writing,there is a lot of darkness pain and suffering in this,you have a lot of talent this piece flowed so well it never skipped a beat and the imagery was great
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It is a tad awkward in parts and the flow struggles but for the overall most post, it is a success. Great Write! keep it up
AtiVan -
this was a really good write..i really enjoyed readigng this..it was really descriptive and beautiful as well...the poem also flowed well to..keep writitng your really talented
~Chrissy~ -
I like the way you thought this out, It is complex yet easy to follow. Wonderful job with this piece. I wish you the best of luck, also i love the way you worded this, it seems so unbearably true. The world has become this, and its sad but true. Keep the pen flowing!
A&F
Emily
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Graceful
Torment in grace, it's lovely. Very well written. Very smooth, with such content that is astounding.
Thanks for entering
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Finally, one that I can read through smoothly without having to go back and remember what I was going to say about it! Extra points to you for that. (Not that they mean anything, but they're still nice to have.)
I completely agree with you on your message. We're becoming a rather hateful race in my eyes, hardly anything good can be found anywhere. Even when we do find it, we think it's a trick of some sort and so treat it as bad, thus letting it think it's bad itself and it dies and becomes another one of us. I felt incredibly sorry for the angel, a little welling in the eyes go out to her. I felt very much the same as her a few times in my life, but I didn't have the courage to plunge that sword into me, knowing I'd die rather than continue living. All in all, a beautiful write, one of my favorites so far.
Sweetest of dreams! ~D
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Thank you very much for your comment [And extra points even though they don't mean anything hehe =p] We just seem to continue spiralling downwards don't we, as a species. I guess I am sorry that you can relate to the angel, as it is a not place to be in life. Good luck with your contest and take care x x
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Mind Provoking
An extremely perceptive and profound poem that breathes a great message for all on earth. I loved the lilting melody that this poem generated in places and possibly a little more work on the flow will keep it going and smooth it out. This poem can stand on it's own without change and I commend an excellent write from a poet so young. Well done.
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wow this is an amazing poem. thank you for shring it.
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WOW
I don't usually take the time to read longer poems (I lose track of what they are saying..lol), but I'm glad I read this. It is stunning, just beautiful in it's emotion and wording!! I love the feelings of the angel - knowing that all the 'misery' she had wrought, it never encompassed what she now sees. And she HAS to live with that, the result of the actions.
Beautiful!!
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Hehe thank you very much for your comment and applause, it's very much appreciated. I'm glad you enjoyed it and it kept you reading all the way through x thanks again x take care x
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Beautiful
WOW!!! I don't know what to say to this piece it is such a great piece!!!! I love the story it is so sad. The rage and anger it had in the begining. Then the sorrow and sadness it had at the end this is such a great write!!! You have so much talent!!! Great write
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Are you in a bad mood?
Your words are spreading depression across the whole country, snap out of it! A good write my friend, the flow was better than that "other one" remember! The last line "poisioned misery" reminds me of Stoke!!!
See you. WASP.
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Wow!!! Wow!!! This is incredible. The flow and the rhyming were flawless...But the words and their intent make this a true work of art. Such a powerful message...Bravo!!! Well Done!!! I will definately return to read more of your work. I love this poem!!
Whyitt U xxx
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OMG!!!!!!!! This is amazing! I read this out loud. Theres only a few parts where i say some awkward rhyme but the rest was so great i wouldn't dream of pointing them out. the story of the angel is quite agonizing I must say it hurts me just to think about it and how true it seems to be in our world today which leads me to congragulate you on your symbolism another ine part to this master piece! You also have a way with using what i call the quench words. they take the dry and overused words and make them sing out with new meaning.
example: poisoned misery
great description...poison definately pumps up misery.
And the thought of an angel takin their own life that just makes me want to cry. this is an extremely powerful write you have produced here...amazing!
awesome awesome awesome awesome!
~Sorrow~
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Wow. This is awesome. I love the way it spins a tale inside the poem. This original thought and new perspective is great. I absolutely love it!
It started out sorta cliche, but then the whole idea that angels cannot kill themselves, and still bleed rain was way original. In the end you sneak in the bit about how she feels sorry for the people she had killed, yet it seemed she enjoyed it during the beginning.
I cannot express how joyed I am at reading this ♥
~WU
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Thank you very much for your comment and applause Yes I suppose it need the cliche...to show that its not a cliche...if that makes sense...takes you off in another direction, a red herring if you will! I am just glad you enjoyed it! Thank you again, take care x
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Wow! I really, really, really, really, really like this. Being cynical myself, I find this idea very interesting. Also, it's so far from cliche and so original that I would probably find it interesting even if I didn't love the rhyming and imagery. (That was supposed to be a compliment. ) I usually don't bother to read all the way through poems as long as this because I have no attention span, but I was hooked through the whole thing of this. Um. I don't think 'the whole thing of this' is correct grammar, but I'm too lazy to change it. Anyways, great poem, I'll go read more of your poems because you have now intrigued me! Also, I like most of the bands you mentioned in your author's page
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Thank you!
Hehehe aww this comment did make me chuckle. Firstly, thank you very much, it means a lot to get feedback like this and I am glad you enjoyed it! Being cynical and pessimistic means you always expect the worst so you are never disappointed x which sounds good to me! x dont worry im not bothered about grammar, especially in comments as lovely as this one. Glad you like the same music too! Thanks for brightening up my evening lol, take care xxx
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