Of what is life and of what lives
a life is that of what we did
a record kept of things gone wrong
a life of wasted times long gone
of chances that we let go by
and with it a tiny spark of life
of questions which may never be
for answers that we never see
instead of relaxing on this ride
we swim against old ages tide
our bodies weaken while we swim
and farther out it grows more grim
the horizon darkens as we go
and as time passes we start to slow
leaving life and light behind
we continue on through force of mind
past loved ones stay where we once were
our past experiences are left a blur
though while ahead it looks the same
it's still far different from whence we came
and as we swim something feels wrong
our strokes will falter, once so strong
the air it's burns within our chests
and so we search for a spot to rest
then the waves unnoticed before
seek to pull us back to shore
our eyes still focused on what's ahead
as times great waves go overhead
for as we sink within time's depths
we struggle still for yet more breath
we know not what may be in store
as we knock upon death's door
we only hope that all is right
as we step into the light
Author notes
Haiku Killer~
A contest entry
- sad, life or maybe just about what ever! by DelaneyDisaster.
443 points, ended March 2, 2007, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything Goes... As long as it's deep... by CrystalJet.
450 points, ended March 3, 2007, 93 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give the Newbies a Chance by Ontarah.
300 points, ended March 3, 2007, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I want your best piece. by EnigmasPhilosophy.
950 points, ended March 13, 2007, 54 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Hmmm... by AkaBaki.
600 points, ended February 17, 2007, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Just give me your best poems by Through Your Iris.
525 points, ended February 20, 2007, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites Galore and Nothing More by HerbalGoat.
300 points, ended February 22, 2007, 66 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Search for the best AP Poet by wolfcub.
600 points, ended March 1, 2007, 64 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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I think this would have been easier to read with separate stanzas, but I can understand why it was all one block. There were a couple of places that spoilt the flow because of your choice of rhyme, but most of the rhymes and rythm were OK. I really liked the start as it told me what the poem was about - I think that was needed in this poem!
Thankyou for entering ad good luck in my contest. -
not bad
I liked how during the poem, you sort of went from the start of life to the finish in a sense. However to me, I think that this could have been split into stanzas so that you weren't reading it all right through at once. It would give the reader a break to absorb what you were trying to convey. I guess people may call me anti-rhyme, but some parts just didnt really flow well with the rhyme. I think with alittle work, this could be a great poem and you definitely have a great base to start with
Great job!
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Great work!
I loved it. great work. keep it up. -
I had issues with a greeter when I first joined over 2 years a go that said Turd Muncher was a bad name. Without me knowing he changed it to Turf Muncher and said I was allowed to change it at anytime. The greeter had haiku in his name plus I didn't care much for haiku's in the first place and so my name was born! And thx for your feedback
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A descriptive if somewhat forlorn piece about life. I centainly feel this way sometimes. I think you capture that strange questioning emotion we have quite well...What is all this about? Is it even worth it? Thanks for entering and good luck. By the way, you're username prompted a chuckle. I don't know if you mean that you hate haikus or that you don't think you can write them. Either I thought it was funny.
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yeah thats ok, bit forced at time sbut ok
as above -
This was a punchy, worthwhile little piece. The only part of the flow that seems trouble is the by/life rhyme at the beginning. With a work showing so much promise I would think you'd want to fix that.
Your images were a little flat at times, as was the emotion, but both were overcome by the crispness and clarity of the words you choose to use, and their inherent ability to allow succient expression.
Well done.
Breakdown:
Image: 7/10
Emotion: 6.1/10
Rhyme and flow: 8.9/10
Cohesion: 9.2/0
Message: 9.4/10
TAC: +0.7
Overall: 8.3/10
Good luck in your future works. :-)
~Das
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This is a really interesting poem I liked it. It seemed a little long, putting it in stanzas may make it seem shorter, but I'm not sure.
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this is a nice poem, i liked it i felt the emotions put into this and im glad you wrote it i love the pain and sadness i feel in this poem, best of luck in my contest and keep up the good work
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Wow... I must admit when I first clicked on this poem I thought... great another long poem... But when I started reading, it kept me interested the whole time. You did an excellent job with your rhyming shceme and none of it seemed forced... Great way of expressing the struggle between life and death. Thanks for sharing...
~Snowfall -
This is a powerfully written piece which draws in the reader. Well Done!
I like it, I think the words were well chosen. It was amazing. Very good. This is deep. Truley amazing and beautiful. I can relate to this which may sound crazy but its the truth. This is touching considering the hard times in my life. A well written write. Very good imagery, flow and tone. Excellent word choice. Thought provoking. A well crafted piece. -
Wow.
Excellent poem. i really liked the ending
we struggle still for yet more breath
we know not what may be in store
as we knock upon death's door
we only hope that all is right
as we step into the light
excellent part. Thanks for sharing. Kassie -
amazing
This poem is very thought thru and emotional of a couple who sees life together very peacefuly together as they wanted and only wanted what is best for their after life
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we only hope that all is right
as we step into the light
So intriguing so deep work is here....
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Oh Wow
i liked it....i liked it alot...u r very talented and dont sell ur sell short....it sounds to me like the couple basically died together peacfully
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