See me or Not at All

It’s all out of order and I can see it slipping
Wipe my eyes to hide the pain and pretend that I am whole again
But a part of me is missing and there’s no need to try
I can be this strong and still know how to cry
Faith is never completely restored and I am tired of assuring them all
I know the difference between climbing strength and a stumbling fall
Don’t tell me once, don’t tell me twice
Three times and I’ll scream out loud for you to stop
Stop trying to cure me of some unidentifiable illness
This is what I am going to be
There is nothing to fix because I am not broken
Chipped but never broken –
I can be a counterfeit to happiness
But what does that do for you?
Can that make you forgive yourself for something you could not see?
I am not perfect and I am not pure
It’s too hard to even try for something that never can exist
You bring me up and then you slap me down with your concerned and troubled gaze
Believe just once and accept me, this isn’t just a phase
It’s a part of me and you should see that I am fine with what it will be
Your fear does nothing and your apprehension is just a reminder
Of all I want to forget and all that I cannot
So please believe me, this was never your fault
You are not to blame; I swear to God I can never hate you
Blinded by what you did not want to see, how could I ever blame you?
Don’t agonize and don’t patronize me
And assume you think as I do
Because you were not there
You do not know what thoughts speak inside my head
You remained ignorant of all I tried to verbalize but could not
I know you saw the signs, Yes, you cannot deny that of me
No doubt that you did not want to see
How sick a man can be – a son to you
A monster to me
I forgive you for everything you refused to do
But I could never go on hating you; I would hate myself before I blame it on you
I used to think maybe it was me who brought on this now torturing past
It took a piece of my soul, threatening to break me
Maybe the one you seek to find died and I left her behind
Does it make me sick? – Perhaps can we choose what fights to pick
There are so much more important things than why I cry when you sing
Or how I scream at night in an uneasy sleep
I can tell you everything but can you really hear it?
Otherwise am I speaking to no one all over again?
Do you want to know the secrets that I still keep –
Can you listen in your own silence as your skin begins to creep?
Will you stop me with tears in your eyes
Of what you thought to be malicious lies?
The truth is sin and it is you who fears it
Not I – I can live with what plagues me
And it is not you, but love that saves me
You want to get to know me, but first you must accept
That I fear this relationship because of who you are
It is not you that hurt me
But I cannot stand the look in your eyes
As if I am an offense to you
The crimes your son committed still scar
Your soft apologies no matter how sincere still echo with an artificial tone
Of everything I have ever heard that still seems to be a lie
The fear remains because of who you are
He stares back through your eyes
And it is not your fault that I feel the walls closing in
That my heart burns with rage and I lose control
My willful loathing that blackens my soul
See me as I am or never see me at all
Do not make me out to be something that is dead
Because I am only now fully alive
I am through with all the sins I’ve bled