So here we are at an emotional impass,
Fighting about arguements we've had in the past,
I always believed that our relationship would last,
Should we really be cowards and run away fast?
I think we should stay and vanquish our fears,
And through the tough times, we'll both dry our tears,
Into cold hearts, the burning pain sears,
After our hearts are ignited, the contusion appears,
No black eyes, nor broken bones, since they are prohibited,
Yet with the contusion, darkened hearts are exhibited,
With these dark souls, not one fight is inhibited,
Just know we can heal with love that's contributed,
Yet instead of recooperate, we stubbornly sever,
Systematically watching our hearts bleed forever,
Emotionally attach, we promise to never,
We dispose of attraction, for always and ever,
To ourselves and eachother we decieve and tell lies,
Why use this deception and pretencious disguise?
I long to touch lips, gaze into my eyes,
I want you to be there through my lows and my highs,
Despising depression and this deadly contusion,
Why are we fearing emotional fusion?
There's no rational reason for mental seclusion,
Please come with me everywhere, I adore the intrusion.
A contest entry
- Make Me Feel Dark by Xsafety glassX.
375 points, ended April 29, 2007, 59 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Tell me you love me! Uhhh...I mean my poem...lol
Comments
-
this was a great write! I'm sorry that this has happened to you..hope things work out and get better..this poem was filled with emotion and flowed well..these two lines:
"To ourselves and eachother we decieve and tell lies,
Why use this deception and pretencious disguise?"
These lines were my favorite and really stuck with me as I finished the poem! keep writting and good luck in the contest
~Chrissy~
-
omg!!! i LUV this poem!! thanx for following all my rulez and rhyming!! i luv how it rhymes every line...im thinking that u went with the emo option (not that u had to write in anywher) but that wuz a good poem and i liked it...i would give u clappy dudes nbut im all out so yeah...srry bout that...thanx for entering
-
Mmmmkay;;
So Right off the bat I noticed that, yes doll, you did use "contusion" a bit. Try Not to put them close together. Like the 2nd and 3rd stanzas.
Try to find other words that mean the same thing.
Again With The Rhyming thing haha.
It's all gravy;; You'll get it eventually.
The "seclusion/intrusion" was a good one though.
Still the whole "highs/eyes/lies" and "fears/tears"
It Sounds babyish.
I'd Like to say it's easier to write free verse but it really isn't. You have to be able to keep the flow and basic Idea. Try Writing free verse. Not necissarily from scratch; Maybe use one of your current poems and try re-writing it.
<3
Adding your comment:
