Rescue always comes too late
Each day, every time
Comes too late
Open my eyes and
Veil myself from the world
Each day, every time
Rescue always comes too late
Mothers neglect to notice
Each day, every time
Fanatical ignorance (yours) and your rescue-
Rescue always comes too late
Open my eyes and
Mothers neglect to notice
Tell him that
His face lingers on the edge of a blurred vision
Each day, every time
Save me- I'm far too weak
His face lingers on the edge of a blurred vision
Abuse never had a pretty face
Dig in deep
Open my eyes and
Welcome home, but please
Save me- I'm far too weak
Author notes
2007.
One of my first attempts at an acrostic. For this particular contest, every line that begins with a letter is supposed to be the same line. So I tried to have an idea down the side that repeated letters where I wanted certain ideas. It's a lot harder than it looks.
I tried several topics for this poem, but settled on my father. It's a highly personal poem- so I'm really interested in what sort of message I've communicated.
One of the few poems where I'm more than half-satisfied at the first-draft.
At the suggestion of fellow APers, I changed the M line from it's original, "Mother-" I still think there could be a better replacement- any suggestions?
A contest entry
- The Contest Which Must Not Be Named by Orual.
700 points, ended February 22, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What would you change to improve the flow?
Comments
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Interesting, because I feel like I would have been totally feeling this 6 years ago, but at the ripe old age of 23 (insert sarcasm here), I'm starting to sympathize with the mothers - and how their "neglect to notice" is likely a factor of overwork and being the primary caregiver and trying to carve out a few darn mintues for themselves, and all those other good things. Since you're an Atwood fan (yay!) I guess you're familiar with this line of thought anyway.
Anyway, besides my lame response to this, it's quite charged and eloquent and doesn't use super fancy imagery but still manages to convey everything. Nice!
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Very nice work. I'm very pleased to see my contestants aren't sacrificing theme for the sake of form. I thought the poem was very good on the whole; the only line I didn't really like was "Fanatical ignorance (yours) and your rescue-" I found the use of parentheses a bit jarring. Aside from that, I was interested from beginning to end. Thanks so much for entering.
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good job
hard form to work with - you have done a great job on this one. I think that you're right about the Mother line... I like it, but I like just mother too. Guess it's better expanded though - It does flow better with Mothers neglect to notice.
I also would love to see a title for this piece also. That would catch the essense of this work.
Great luck to you in the contest! Wonderful write.
Dragonfly
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This poem was very well done. This is a challenging form, using repeating lines and making them appropriate to the poem. I think you did this very well. I agree that the poem would be enhanced by expanding the "M" line, perhaps "Mother please help me" or "Mother don't leave me". I also think this poem should be titled. Congratulations on a wonderful poem and good luck in this contest.
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Very helpful comment- thanks
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i would change the 'mother' line
week is spelled weak, when used as describing your strength. and Mother- and the end of one of the stanzas, didn't really fit. I liked the length, it probably made it a lot harder to write.
Here are some things I found really good.
His face lingers on the edge of a blurred vision
Abuse never had a pretty face
you're descriptive, and your words and ideas are well formed.
Veil myself from the world
this just stuck out to me as being, totally fitting. You could not have a better line than this. It fits the ENTIRE poem.
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Oops. I totally can spell. Thanks for pointing out stupid mistakes. >.<
Thanks for the helpful comment.
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have you ever read any of Mary Stuart [Mary Queen of Scots] work? i think you should, you'd like it.
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