Mommy is here baby
Just when you need,
I look into your eyes so full of mystery.
I am here for you now and always,
Sitting with you in the nursery
Keeping you safe and secure.
I know you are here with me 'momma'
Always looking after me.
Please tell me what you see.
I hope you know I love you 'momma'
Now and always
As it should be.
Oh my sweet little one, your eyes are fixed on me.
I wish that you see I care for you,
And oh,
How I cant wait to hear your first few words,
I would cherish it forever more.
But for now,
All I need is to look in your bright little eyes,
Ever piercing my soul,
For I know how much you can read my heart,
Like words blowing in the wind,
We shall never part.
Oh my 'momma'
Your words are so sweet,
As they tie our hearts as one,
Simple and gentle
And forever with me,
Even when I cannot sleep.
You are my baby and our words start with our gaze.
You are my 'momma' and I hear you say I love you without your words.
It is our stare that keeps our hearts beating.
Author notes
Well I really wanted to enter this contest since I like writing poetry that is non verbal between mother and child. I hope this is what you wanted. Also I saw you have funny in the category but I went with the others (hope it does not affect the judgement).
I tried to make the adjusments.
I hope it is enough.
Thank you for the comment.
Update: I fixed your #1 but I left #2. What you said about #3 made me re read it several times until I thought I should not have put that in, so I took it out.
A contest entry
- Mother's Face, Baby's Face, Words in Between by PetrifiedAfforded.
1050 points, ended March 5, 2007, 6 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
cheeks time because last check
Hello with a clamor about Carolyn needs to end the contest.
OK, I'm in a hurry to get OK with the judging not just commenting, lol. So, I need to point out some things I need certainty on for rewarding sake.
1. "I wish that you see I adore you so" can have the odd invisible nature of worship that is though to spirit we can't fully evaluate. But I know there is the compromised definition of love the dictionary ascribes this word to too. So, if you don't want to look for an alternative, I will go along with sensing wanting no misunderstanding of a parent's passion at first stages with a child needing care.
2. "For I know how much you can read my heart,
Like words blowing in the wind," has a queasiness of not questionishing eachother, but the communication brought in implies that we aren't to be psychic so speak but persons that can work with asnother... until there's a pattern that is somewhat predictable like the weather! If this is your angle of gently getting along that we trust, I can see it by but keep picking up knowledge of each other or what is revealed and can keep rolling with that if love is felt -- but we are not omniscient of one's actions thought of. So, if you don't see your phrasing should be less extreme, I can give the benefit of the doubt with it deemably mentioned in a relationship's clues going on like the clouds in the breezes even for meaningful signs that can be mastered to the majority of the time....
3. "Your soul is pure" is hard for me to stack up against our mistakes as recordable in this time of world, but I know this has context of a baby's wish to see desires turned to on a dime & if it could get a penny every time it happens froim a good "momma" then there would be rich claims not a clamped smile. So, realizing where the line is, if you don't want to soften it to the humility a mother must be under too, then I can review this through the scrutiny of a child's view point and leniently think how it could be looked at like that. It is similar to the next line, always of 24 hours turning out expectation so equation of "forever" with happines that may not think of hope.
Your concept was of core, and I hope I didn't show myself sore since I'm just trying for sureness. But I wander for that sometimes I suppose, kind of like tonight my daughter's asksing if I liked melatonin got diminished as I thought over if it has a competing with it of toe nails getting my attention it seems not -- an ouxh can't just be put in the cycles but needs its own choreography.
Well, I really need to wrap this up so consider rapid fixes if you think it would be wiser around somewhat ambiguous examples, though I know they can be caught on. However, I think correction is needed at the line, "As it tie our hearts as one," grammatically not emotionally. So easier? Check for scenes to be strong, but it's soon to be waved at; I'm aiming at March 4th for the finish. I'm sorry this went on so long.
12:51 bug-eyed getting drowsy,
Carolyn -
It sucks that my comment didn't save the first time. It was a nice comment. I like what you did with this poem. You created each stanza from a different point of view as you went back and forth between mother and child and It thought that to be very unique and creative.
-
not a trembler among the mother and child --
Poet in my contest,
Thank you for not patronizing even an infant, redistributing imagined understanding through stronger gazes. Thanks for standing so clearly on those lines that I knew through verses before author's notes.
Speaking of which, there should be some appeal for reviews to leave out author's name. Additionally, you can now put any reply for me there, but don't respond to anyone else on this page until contest has closed, please.
I very much enjoyed the the stlmulative love involved in :
"Oh my baby your eyes are fixed on me"
though there's darling and that reserved for worship with "adore" so naybe pick a replacement among verbs bearing the number one meaning on wanting to speak out without animating connotations that can be a disservice to the cares to be taken. But it seems a positive trend of the etymology with your next sweetness :
"How I cant wait to hear your first few words,
I would cherish it forever more"
The aging to go from this communication is so launchable. This isn't just growing up, which could be blank of all parts or links language gives by a this versus that.
I'm a jumper to make points, but I did read your piece as one piece.
Yet with the need to be fed the fanciful way for interest, whether it is just a calm lullaby out leaves on the trees in the dark for their object permanence in the morning, I think words of trust from such records and desire should be accounted where it's annotated trying :
"For I know how much you can read my heart,"
because possible outbursts aren't just out of fine print but Jeremiah 17:9 which shows we merge well without something distractive or as you have said, the area for the concentration to be accepted. So that mends us to be commended, per se.
Which is what your previous line was tonal with :
"All I need is to look in your bright little eyes,
Ever piercing my soul"
directing you to smile, having been affected from retina to activity, as I see it you can't bodily lay around but would have that ouch for the thanks. Involvement is oriented as you aren't turned by other things on mind but giving presence of speeches and paces. Oh, it makes me want a baby but I have to get off AP to not just hand it to pa! But my daughter says... she wants me to do a little of that...
So then simply may we consider whether it is by our pouring of ourselves :
"Your soul is pure,
Forever with me,
Even when I cannot sleep."
because constancy is by all of our training and help.
The 1st stanza had time references of togetherness, but it was five times more picked up when the gradual joy could be believed as the baby's :
"I look into your eyes so full of mystery.
I am here for you now and always"
as that reinforces the phases for fusing even with face let alone before speech. That is one of the developmental leads of the other, like crawling before walking even. Thus, the last two lines there can be reflected from no absence for nourisment. & some find it conducively done in its own location, which may spark separate attention on "secure" but it's mostly by the allowance to be wanted, and a room might not be for claustrophobia parenting if it babies the stress. So it is of making arrangements, one might think to keep giving .
Which is the pulsation of your second second with "me, see, be" being the rhythm of the heartfelt little one :
" know you are here with me 'momma'
Always looking after me.
Please tell me what you see."
That is precious cubed into not walls but life even. Wonderful.
You wrapped up with the remindful pull on familiarity paralelled with words by where they come from and the momentum then existing from knowing "momma" first. Aw, yes.
Line numbers were fine although comma punctuation or grammar needs to be tweaked on L13, & 26.
You've given me a lovely resetting on a guarantee of verbalization with the comfort zone transition in 'non verbal gaze' as well. I'm looking forward to seeing your adjustments that I asked for.
I'll try to return with intention to end everything therein within a couple days.
Remember, reply only through author's notes, for me, as I'd enjoy who's anonymous to stay that way. My judging will be done with the accidents that have happened, so please bear with me.
11:29 warm and fuzzy, facially?
~Carolyn
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