why am i not there

life has a way of kicking you in the sensitive spot
that one spot that is not physical that hearts more than a broke heart
they say there is nothing worse than a broken spirit and heart

i would have to completely disagree...
there is nothing worse than to have that which gives meaning to your life
right outside your grip, to see it, smell it, its so close
yet you are unable to have it and there is nothing you can do to change it
completely out of your control

life has a way with you and can drive you crazy if you let it
especially if you think you have control over it
life can be handled but not controlled

my dreams, my reason of existence, my loves are so far away
a line that does not exist separates me from them
cant i just go across... everybody knows i should be there
everybody knows how much i need them and they need me
why can i not be with my daughter and my loved one

there is no good reason for me not to be there
i have dreams...
to find that person to love above all others... check
to have a child to love and teach... almost... cannot love and teach from another country
to get married to her... almost... engaged for 2 yrs... only legal issues
to be a grandparent...
to work in something i like to do...
to be there for her at birth...
to be there for the first second of my newborn child... missed it, left to become legall

three dreams shattered in one day!
to be there for her at birth, to be there for her first second of no complete dependence,
and to love and teach her
nothing hurts like missing your life's purpose
the one day you have physical proof that you are not for you but for them
it is as if you stomach starts eating itself,
your brain becomes ooze,
your soul is ripped in half

she loves you and you love her
nothing will stop you... yet a nonexistent line prevents you from being there now
i can see her eyes looking at our child smiling
like a nail through my heart, why am i not there
i see her cold at night wanting to be warm
like a stake through my heart, why am i not there
i see her suffering of having to be an only mother for no apparent reason
my heart is ripped from my chest still beating as a sacrifice to no one
why am i not there



you hold me in your arms
love has swallowed me up

you touch me with care in every touch
unquenchable fire burns within me

you listen to me and you hear
i am the greatest person alive

you look at me with a smile
i have accomplished nothing greater



when love comes the world gets in its way
for love is the essence of life
it is that which gives reason to reason
it is that which makes wisdom good
it is that which makes God, God

the world knows this and interposes itself at it at all moments
brings stumbling blocks, bricks, and boulders
i can feel your love from here, i can still communicate from here
but love is an action verb
i can have that commitment to love
but never truly accomplish it if im not with her

why am i not there