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if each day had a voice, and could speak of loss.

if each day had a voice, and could speak of loss.
Andrew Eisenschenk


there was snowfall yesterday, it was soft as it hit the ground.
and finally winter. i can see now how it has all slipped away.
each breath, filling their lungs with oxygen, but a dream.
inside of darkness. time has moved so slow since its change.
i only pray we find warmth in this fury of white. a second.
for you both to realize, nothing can ever stay the same.


Author notes


to go along with, "the formation of things."

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • liltandrhyme silver member
    August 26, 2007

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    I have to say that I liked the way the punctuation worked here, serving up the poem as a sequence of thoughts, with a connecting theme.

    A very contemplative, personal and intriguing piece ( "i can see now how it has all slipped away" ), superficially relating to the snow heralding the passing of summer, but in the poet's thoughts, something deeper.

    Some very strong lines ( "i only pray we find warmth in this fury of white") again oblique, but intriguing.

    I could almost hear this as one of Tom Waits spoken pieces.

    Separating the thoughts with one or more line breaks at the period points may have helped give strength to each of the statements, but that is just a minor point, and a personal opinion

    I really liked this, best of luck in the competition

    PJ ( Liltandrhyme - Indigo Child/OK Computer )

  • Aurora Ceres
    August 25, 2007

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    This piece could definitely use some editing...punctuation is a bit off and needs some capitalization for sure.  Some wonderful expressions in here and nice imagery created. I wish you all the best in this contest.

    Bella


  • grannyeri gold member
    July 15, 2007

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    Liked some of the images in these lines, but find the periods at the end of each stop the flow. Good conclusion in this write.


  • Lipstick Trick
    February 19, 2007

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    your writing has become more real and natural sounding in the long time i've been gone from this site. you're amazing.


  • Dienush
    February 8, 2007

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    Wow. This poem is very beautiful and powerful in its simplicity, the imagery works well. I can almost see all that white, the loss and wished warmth that could have so many meanings. Though, to be honest, I don't really understand what you meant, it is a good piece of poetry and it has a very personal touch, which I can only appreciate. Thanks for entering.

    ~Diana

1 - 5 of 5