I cry, but you never listen
I am hurting, but you still don't help
My mind is racing now
I thought you loved me
But nothing seems to be going right
Please
Please
Listen to me, hear me, comfort me
The world is spinning
And I'm going to fall off
Memories come to me
From long ago.
When we first met in that empty street
I thought everything would go right
I thought I was in a dreamland
With Unicorns and Fairies and You.
But, sadly, I was wrong.
Author notes
I hope I did a better job on the revised version. I still think it needs some work though, just tell me what you think!
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Wonderful, you haven't been here for a while, I hope you will be soon
I love your work x
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Very cool poem. Very detailed. Touches the heart..lol
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i really like this one how you can be in dreamland then be ignored it is sad
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Ok, I don't know what you think you need to do with this one, I like it the way it is! I think it is great!! But that is me too.
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Yes i did add more to it just yesterday..i like it better now! Thanks for commenting!!
~Abby~
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Well it's a good start, but the "nothing is going right" then fullstop seems to severe the flow of the poem.
You could go into detail of what is going wrong....perhaps that will help...hmmm....
It's hard to place what could improve it...because there are so many potentially great endings to complete such a good start. ^_^
I hope this has helped a little bit, sorry I couldn't do more...
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I need to add more!! But i can't think what
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hey....its good but make it a little longer......VERY GOOD!
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i have no idea what to say. sorry
raphire -
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ha thats okay...u dont have to say anything, if u dont like it just say so!
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