This is shameless re-creation of
a lifetime's incessant dreaming.
Her eyes were beaming
And her soft red hair
Cascading like thin rain
Autonomously dispersed itself
Across her unexposed breast.
Eyes exchange glances
Across a busy table,
The glass /was/ half full,
And I was absolutely parched.
The windmills turn like clock-work
Waking a memory;
Walking a jungle.
Fingertips grow numb
Yet sunlight warms each face
As it erases silent snow.
This clouded vegetation
Shall hamper me no longer.
Shamelessness is a white dress
And dreams are sponsored by Polaroid.
A little bit of confidence
Can be incriminating
Hands fly, like southbound birds through the sky
And the picture beneath you
Fades harshly into distance.
It's all cinematography;
A sculptor's geology.
Theres no smooth sailing when
you gallop into port at full mast.
Dissonance;
Fading; falling back; Phased.
It's uncanny Pho-Tah-Graphy.
Let us gallop off into the past.
Snap! That look on her face;
I've seen that look on her face!
Yes, certainly I should recall her name!
Another one dollar poster
Plummets from the wall,
This is patchwork mosaic,
Yet postcard portraits paint a different scene.
I am an artiste.
Welcome to the closet of the obscene.
Welcome to the land of the silver screen.
Smile /you/ are on candid camera.
Bright eyed we spin the globe,
But my finger falls
In the middle of the ocean.
We are, moving,
We are in motion.
Author notes
This is still a little bit in the rough, I've only done two or three drafts of this before posting. (I usually polish my work for at least a couple days to a week before it gets posted) I'm sure I will come back and change it. The title will probably also change several times! We shall see, for now honest comments and critique are more than welcome!
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Is that first line re creation or recreation because there are two vastly different meanings from the getgo of the piece.
Unexposed breast is paradoxical if you ask me. But very effectively used to create frustration. Makes you say "shit"
I feel like Im doing an explication but again we see the image of the windmills-- it brings us back to this turning and we cannot help but wonder is the artist negatively capable? The sunlight too is an image reminiscent of simmilar poems
Waking a memory and walking a jungle seems too blunt a play on words for my taste, I've tried to cut down on them except where absolutely necessary. Thats such a dissonant image (even in context) I cannot help but consider it unnecessary. Unless its deliberate. In which case the deliberate of an artiste always gets first priority.
cinematography: a sculptors geology? What I would like personally to see in this poem would be never mentioning the word dissonance but rather only in context where it assists your case.
Smile /you/ are on candid camera. It seems like you use italics as a reaffirmation of your point a lot. I dont like this one much. Doesn't talk to me as much as it could. The ending too on this piece was a bit of a let down. Of all your recent works I ironically consider this the low point.
I was wondering in the last stanza whether your woman was the same as forementioned? With "soft red hair cascading like thin rain" -
Perhaps you can start with "A shameless recreation/of a lifetime's (missed apostrophe) dreaming (why continuous tense, try simple present and see the effect!). I believe you don't need "incessant", the incessance is implied by lifetime's dreaming/dreams (will add to the dissonance more than the -ing effect), though that continuity has a purpose, now I see (or begin to see). Why do you burden nouns like "rain" "breast" with adjectives, while they seem to convey more without them....
I see a sudden tense switch in
"The windmills turn like clock-work
Waking a memory;" << I will call that SHOCK therapy! Why do you need those "ing" words? Dissonance is dispensed well in the images.
Missed apostrophe in "there's" (Theres no smooth sailing when
you gallop into port at full mast.)
After Dissonance you may perhaps use a colon rather than semicolon, or you may even leave it unpunctuated (if there's any such word)!
I see a sudden motif crease around "Welcome to the closet of the obscene.
Welcome to the land of the silver screen."
In the last stanza your poem does way too much at the same time...
Overall, I liked the synapse of images in this work, and it shows that you have a very matured mind. A very good job!
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Thanks for the recent read and comment.
Big piece you've got here.
I've copied it into notepad and will work on my crit over the weekend. (I'm notoriously slow and I like to read a poem many times before making a critique).
Lisa -
You put a lot into a write.. ( wonderful ) .. for me this captures 'discordant noise' .. and more, the endless buzz of non-thought, if I had to give it a term.. and oddly .. the image it leaves me with is -- the harmony of 'dissonance'. All the jaggedness falling into that pool at the end..
I love the way you've used photography.. to capture the falseness/ or reality of falsity.. ( not sure if that makes sense )..
Definitely worth the read.. and a good...write. ..
As for the capitals on every sentence, I agree with Jaden, they aren't necessary..
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Gorsh, a real poem. You've taken something others might think mundane and made it fresh and interesting, although the poem seems to take a turn right around "Polaroid" and in the end, there seem to be two conflicting (or at least different) meanings.
"unexposed" in S1 seems to be a little out of place.
"awaking" is pretty unusual. I kept wanting to read "waking" or "awakening"
I agree with Jaden about line breaks and capitalization.
I really like the last two lines of S3. -
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Hulali-Changed awaking to waking! I like it better that way 'cause it blends with Walking in the next line that way too! Thanks for the suggestion
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