Oft have we argued, debated and fought
After elusive answers our feeble minds sought
Shielding our senses from bidden onslaught
Precipitation is precipitous my friend
To the doomsayers we did not our ears lend
Hastening approach of calamitous end
When the crops in their fields ignore our best tending
Barren soil stretches before us unending
The final decision on Man is long pending
When the flow of the rivers turn away from the sea
Divergence en masse from the lines of the ley
For nature neglected has reprised the key
When afraid we do cower, watch the threads come undone
Of lies and deceptions from our mouths had we spun
The fairytale stories, for a while they were fun
When volcano and earthquake consort with the storm
El Nino, Tsunami, Katrina, the norm
As the books had predicted we've been true to form
When our children are dying before we've grown old
Artificial disease coming in from the cold
Man's plague of advancement doth billions enfold
When we no longer breathe for our lungs have dissolved
The simplest of puzzles still linger unsolved
For such a dilemma has Mankind evolved?
When Global Warming and the Greenhouse Effect
Seem so remote we have time to defect
To the warning signs smirk and show disrespect
When the dolphins mumble, mutter and laugh
Snigger at Man for we knew not the half
We think we've been Mother, we've been but the calf
Author notes
This poem is in the form of triplets.
Rhyme scheme: aaa, bbb, ccc, and so on.
The aim is to achieve near perfect or sound rhyme, with even flow. Conveying whole thoughts in each triplet, thus making the triplet independent, but drawing all together with a common central theme.
The poem is roughly based on the idea of Armageddon, and how humanity brings upon its own destruction.
Had Micheal Jacksons Earth Song playing in my head and got the idea from there.
Well, thats it for me I guess, this was a mission but at least it wasn't impossible, lol.
Have to admit, I've learnt quite a bit so its been fruitful.
Take care and be well~
Previn
When caliginous panoply sends forth its spies
Ephemeral those once halcyon day’s to Man’s eyes
We imbued the penumbra of our final demise
A contest entry
- Poets Survivor: Season 1: Top 5 by Ryno.
300 points, ended February 13, 2007, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Raven Qualifier - Culture: Religion, Society and Politics by Raven Contest.
450 points, ended August 1, 2007, 84 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Society poems, (pre-writes allowed) by Floorboards.
500 points, ended October 11, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites! by aeolia.
380 points, ended January 19, 2008, 116 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Global Warming by nansie.
450 points, ended November 3, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - . by Aurora Ceres.
700 points, ended November 1, 2007, 74 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - SHOW ME YOUR BRILLIANT RHYME IN COLLABERATION WITH BLUE REW by Swan song.
900 points, ended November 10, 2007, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rhyme And Flow by CherryOnTop.
450 points, ended November 3, 2007, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Be ready for real CRITICISM........ by algoressister.
500 points, ended November 11, 2007, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Muses for the masses (options galore) by Goldfist.
500 points, ended March 28, 2008, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poetry, Nature, Earth, Society... by jbbrandi.
385 points, ended March 11, 2008, 13 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - What makes you passionate? by TabbyCat.
900 points, ended March 24, 2008, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything you want by fairytalelovestory.
625 points, ended April 11, 2008, 72 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - HELP MY MUSE WITH YOUR GOOD STUFF by Swan song.
1800 points, ended March 21, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Katrina by SereneAzure.
525 points, ended April 1, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - all the prewrites you want by serenity silvermoon.
600 points, ended March 29, 2008, 150 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything Your Heart Desires by Rhapsody.
550 points, ended December 27, 2008, 98 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I love the rhyme scheme. I'd love to put that into a story book, or turn it into a song. I could turn it into a song, but I can't publish it. Good luck
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This poem hummed a long and I think you acheived your desired effect.
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very provacative. nice work applying lessons that should have been learned from Katrina to other, related issues, like global warming!
Good luck in the contest! -
Nicely written...the flow is wonderful and the triplet form was easy to read. Each stanza flows effortlessly into the next, but still maintains the ability to deliver a message on its own. I have heard of the idea of an "Armageddon" as a destruction of the world(like in the well-known movie).
You might also know that it comes from a biblical prophecy of a final, all-out battle between good and evil. After this battle, Christ will rule on earth and Satan will be thrown into a bottomless pit for 1000 years. Praise God that we certainly will not have to worry about global warming at that point!lol
But until then, it is good that you are getting out the message of the importance of good stewardship when it comes to the world God gave us. Thank you for entering!!!! -
Liked these rhyming triplets you have in this poem - good flow and rhythm as well. Nice bronze trophy to add to y our collection. Congratulations.
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Very good and quite interesting. I like the flow, particularly. Glad you chose it, because now that I think on it, I don't think this message or these words could've sounded any better in any other form. Amazing work! Good luck in the contest(s)!
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hmmm...
Interesing piece. I don't know what option you chose in the contest though since you didn't put it in the authors notes. with this piece, I'm having a lot of trouble guessing or seeing how it fits in anywhere whitht egiven options. Please message me with what option you chose. thank you for entering and good luck in my contest. -
Hi,
I’m sorry it has taken so long....I needed a poker break......This piece is a little long.....since I agree with your subject, and I’d like to see this poem, stated in a way, that more people can hear....or understand..........I’m rolling up my sleeves.......
You have done an interesting job with the rhyme.....and your use of words is also interesting.....Your rhythm is frequently uneven due to the following difficulties.....
There are two primary problems I have with this work.....
PUNCTUATION and FLOW.........
The former is, in part, the cause for the latter..............
I have spouted, throughout this contest, about the need for our readers to be able, at some point, to discern our meaning. If you are using a complicated sentence structure, it will behoove you to do a CONSISTENT job of punctuation. I have had numerous authors, come back to me saying that the trend, is to MINIMAL punctuation......Minimal punctuation is: A capitol at the beginning, and a period at the end, of a “sentence”. I would also suggest that the comma would also fit into this category, especially if the sentence structure is complicated or you use a lot of backward sentences like...”For such a dilemma has Mankind evolved?”............The line is strained, in an effort to fit the rhyme.....I question the need for a question mark here....And there is a real need for a comma after dilemma...even still it is awkward......
...It is INCONSISTENT to use SOME PUNCTUATION.........It is also confusing......
Anyway...I think I am going to start a site, for lazy poets, and charge to punctuate. Which is ironic, since poetry, is writing for people who like to do extra work............Thank you for your submission....TTFN Love, Laurel -
Very good I will be back to read this again so please feel free to revise as you see fit
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Great post. Good luck in my contest.
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Great poem good luck in girlish's contest and other the other's you have entered.
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Wisdom and flow come together in fluid form and rhyme.
I found this a pleasure to read. Strong in conveying thoughts within each triplet but also linked together well in a central theme. One of my most favorite subjects as well. And yes, if mankind would only see that we are the children, not the teachers, not the powers upon this earth; maybe then this planet could actually achieve some harmony. Blue -
Brilliant
I like your thinking, and your way with words
Thank you -
Very good indeed, superbly written with truth and skill,
well done indeed and thanks for entering my contest,
Floorboards. -
I really liked this. And I totally agree on what you are saying. Mankind is bringing on itself its own destruction. It was written very nicely. Good flow as well. Thank you for entering. I wish you the best of luck in my contest.
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Wonderful Job!
I was completely blown away by this piece. I like the questioning of mankind's evolution. The plight in the poem was very strong. Good luck Previn! Are you entered in any of the other 4 qualifiers? I entered those but I am not sure if I should enter this one. I think mine would only turn into a rant. -
Oh, earth song by Michael Jackson! I love that song and the video. The message is amazing.
"When our children are dying before we've grown old
Artificial disease coming in from the cold
Man's plague of advancement doth billions enfold"
I love those lines. This entire piece is so amazing, and the rhyming is just perfect. Wow! -
"The aim is to achieve near perfect or sound rhyme"
Don't worry about sound, you made perfect rhyme. You did very good with creating strong rhymes that make sense in context, something that is typically unachieved, or very difficult to, in amateur poetry. You also convey much beauty within the poem. Particularly the end, it is simply splendid.
However, I do have a few suggestions as to make it sound better and give it a more even flow. I had to read your poem aloud a few times with different infections before getting rhythm right and saw that it was due to uneven syllables. For example, in the first stanza, the first line has ten syllables in it, the second twelve, and third ten. I first thought the whole poem would continue in this manner, where the first line short, second longer, third short. However, the second stanza already contradicts that idea.
So, my simple suggestion to resolve this would be to take out words that don't matter. Words like 'for' and 'had' do not contribute much and could easily be replaced with a comma which keeps the meaning of the line but creates an even flow.
You've created an awfully good poem full of deep meaning. I hope you continue to write and realize that I have only suggested and am not telling you to change it, for the message of your poem is yours and is a truly beautiful one. I wish you the best of luck. Thank you. -
Thank you
Not sure how you came across my poetry but thanks for the comment.
Take care princess
Previn -
The reading is great, but the ending is Super. When the dolphins mumble, mutter and laugh. Snigger at Man for we knew not the half.
We think we've been Mother, we've been but the calf
Keep penning
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The only thing I didn't care for was this line:
"El Nino, Tsunami, Katrina, the norm"
The reason as to why is that "El Nino" and "Tsunami" are natural storms, where as "Katrina" is the name of a hurricane - and there have been quite worse hurricanes than Katrina. But, that's not the point. The point is you use a name of a storm when perhaps you should have put "Hurricane"; since that's the implication.
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This took me back to this concert I had entered and went back to recheck the poems I had written. One I had completely forgotten about. Liked the thoughts you have shared in these lines, and the triplet form used here. Works well.
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You are certainly prolific today, and determined to shine in contests.
I admired your tenacity in using this form, but I did find one or two lines rather awkward. I have this thing about inversions, like "After elusive answers our feeble minds sought", and "from our mouths had we spun". I find they rob this piece of a lot of its flow.
But wow, you have certainly worked hard, and deserve at least a polite round of applause from me.
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This seem like alot of work that was worth while, because at the end the poem was fantastic. I just loved it. Thank you for explaining things at the end also. That helped alot.
Great job.
Soulful Woman
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Great concept and utter ability and skill was shown in this write. Great write on the form. Loved it from beginning to end. Thanks for your continued entries!
~Ryan~ -
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Thank you for the great comments on both my poems, much appreciated!
Kind regards~
Previn
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Excellent!
The piece was very moving and inspiring. On the first stanza in the third line did you mean to say hidden? I really like the third stanza especially the last line about the decision on man. You eloquently explained the natural disaters that have happened and the human reaction to fear and wanting to stay covered in a fairy tale than face reality. Great job! Good luck!
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nihilistic yes but that is a good thing
you write and express reflecting that you have concern and care for the event so rapidly changing..some has to heed the call and you are receptive..wonderful..technically you have excellent skills..and a big job ahead
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Awesome
You did an awesome job with this poem. The Rhyme's made sense and flowed evenly. ^.^ I think you did what you aimed for. Keep writing!
Mad Hatter Felix
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very good
i like your imagery in this..and it has a unique ryhmes...i like this
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Way to go - another different form used here. So many new ones for us to try and also to read. This contest has been a very learning experience for us all.
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Wonderful
A wonderful write Previn, loved the form and flow and the subject is one near and dear to me, love anything on our societal issues and the impact they have on the world. Great write sweetie and I wish you much luck Bunny
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This is truly a great write. i like it alot
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Thank you for reading and commenting!
Previn
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in line 3 I kept wanting to add the word "the" from the bidden onslaught. I think other than that the flow was perfect and the subject matter one with which I can relate
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Hi
Thanks for the comment. I'm considering the change.
Thanks!
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Excellent!!!
This is truly a great write!! the rhyme and the flow I thought were very good and you have done yourself well. It is so true that we do not realize how we are destroying ourselves and our world as we speak. If only mankind would wake up and realize what we have done, hopefully it would not be to late to save some of what we have lost. Thank you for the wake up call!! Great piece!! Good luck to you and all !!
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Thank you kindly, your praise humbles me.
Hugs~
Previn
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How freaking amazing dear. Good luck to you, cupcrazy and grannyeri!! This is such a beautiful write, as are all your works. Please keep it up, never give up, and keep your chin up. ~ Kerri
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Hi!
Thank you for reading and commenting my poem, really appreciate the feedback!
Hugs~
Previn
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