In old October, in a hill-top road,
I meet a traveler from a somewhere land
that opened my left hand
and deposed there all his load –
A single coin of tarnished gold
that to my eyes shined brightly
and reached my heart straightly
- never once a heart was so quickly sold!
Oh, little gold coin, I daresay
you are too cute to be an object,
and too willful to be a subject
slipping as I sleep, setting without belay.
Alas - Mirth was not feasible -
Ephemeral - as you have foreseen,
lasted less than a night’s dream
and just for me was memorable.
Oh, little coin, I value you in excess
polished, you shine golden in a thousand eyes
flipping freely from my hidden ties,
because of me? You could care less.
A contest entry
- The Poets Write by Starrchild777.
975 points, ended March 8, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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beautiful.
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Joao! I see you updated at last. I missed your thoughtful poems and I am so glad to see a fresh one. The structure and your rhyme gave your poem a special rhythm. I liked it with no doubt and like always.
Thank you for sharing your poem with us and I wish you best o luck in the contest :-)
~Massy~
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1st let me thank you for your entry
2nd S1- L1 "deposed" is this truly the word you chose to use or is it misspelled?
S2-L2 "shinned" spelling error?
S3-L4 "belay" " " ?
S4-L2 "ephemeral" is this spelling error or another word?
S5-L2 is an "a" missing in here?
3rd I will be coming back next week and giving a full indepth review, I also would hope to see the above mention issues cleared up. Thanks once again for entering our contest.
~*Starr*~ -
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Thanks Starr,
Deposed - as the past for Depose (better than Deposit in my opinion because it echoes better with the opened in the previous line but because among their meanings also is inclued taking an oath)
Shinned - You are right there, it passed by because the word shinned. I am taking a "n" out.
Belay - to mean the coin is not securelly kept.
Ephemeral - as something that quickly dies, short lived.
I will add the "a", at first i thought it would be ok without it, but I will follow your advice.
Anyways, thanks. Sometimes people think that is rude to suggest or ask for such corrections, but I know myself as a lazy reviwer and I really welcome anything like that.
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Ooh sounds like there may have been someone who caught your heart but never really lived up to expectations, all that glitters is definately not gold in our lives, but can give a semblance of a shine for a little while.
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