Everything within this earth
Has a tongue, a word from birth
And all that one must do to hear
These words is lend a faithful ear.
One day I stood, as silence sept
Into a room where grown men wept
Death's taste lingered, and tainted air
That once held life-so bright and fair
And though nothing to naked ear
Could be heard in this cold air
I could find many voices fast
Gaining more boldness in their grasp.
The walls-they spoke of days of olde
Their wallpapers, lost tinted gold
The pictures chatted self-commands
Like housewives bored of life's demands.
The room in whole-began to spill
Secrets meant far back to kill
But somehow, lost in the wheels of time
Preserved through voices now sublime
Beyond the room-I then could feel
The tongues of all the earth so real
Man's echos through the hills so clear
Whilest animals' tongues less plain to hear
Then wind's fair voice calls up above
Through tree's soft whispers of gentle love
Though man ignores its loud'ning cries
How daft is he who earth denies?
And picking up the chorus still
Were grasses blades-nature's quills
Whist'ling in the breeze, they keep
Secret tales in earth so deep
The crickets chime in, when it seems
Is best for verses then to keep
Birds by score flock by to see
The magic worked by such as these.
Before I knew, it felt as though tears
Slipped from this room of Doom and fears
But rather, hope now took its place
And gave this world an air of grace.
The words ne'er stop to cease their flow
Though this the wonder man does not know:
Since the dawn of creation, earth has held high
The One who created them, long past in time.
Everything has its own unique tongue
Words to praise the most High One
They shall not cease 'till he silences them
And the Earth is transformed to the new Jerusalem!
Author notes
inspired by "the goose girl"
not done (DONT KILL ME CAT!)
A contest entry
- The Chibi Challenge Series: Round One!! by Chibi-chan.
650 points, ended February 13, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Une saison en enfer by Aesthete.
1500 points, ended August 24, 2007, 62 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Favorite Poems by Avatar of Innocence.
400 points, ended December 27, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Decisions Decisions
It feels as if you cropped a thought to create rhyme...bad idea...you even created a new word or revived an archaic work "sept"...the past form of "seep" right? I think that word is not real...I have heard "seeped" but I have never heard "sept".
"whispers of gentle love"= cliche'. You can do better. try "of" as an ending and prove you have talent as a poet.
Okay, this poem lacks consistency in the rhyme scheme. If you are going to use true rhymes "place/grace" you should not scatter non-rhyming or psuedo-rhyme within your poem. It is best used at the beginning or at the end, not sometimes in the middle. You will confuse your reader.
I don't know why this poem isn't striking me. Well, I do know but I don't know if I should waste my time writing about why it is only so-so and not great. Do you really want to know? Are you that mature that you can take the entire breakdown of this poem and my suggestions to improve it and instill within this poem a semblance of merit?
If you are not, I won't blame you. You can write another poem and submit it and afterwards take this poem out. If you leave it here, you must message me that you will bear the sting of my whole critique.
You have 24 hours to make up your mind. It is now 5:00 pm Guam time on November 19 2007. -
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O___o I'm capable of listening to whatever you don't like about it. But to be honest, I probably won't change much about it. I've already had it edited by others, and I'm not terribly keen on changing it much. However, I will keep in mind any methods of improvement for the future. I believe "sept" is a word, but I could be wrong. I'm only a teen, after all. I can try to enter another piece instead, though again, I am glad (and eager) to hear any critiques you have for this piece. Thank you for your time.
Pegleg -
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Are you 18 or 19 years old? I specifically asked for no minors, or did you not read my rules? I do hope you are an adult, because I really don't deal with minors. If you are a minor, please remove your poem from my contest.
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Uh, will get back to you. This may take awhile.
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BOILS OVER IN FURY!!!!
But I am placated by your excellent meter and rhyme. so HURRY UP AND FINISH!!!!!!!
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I very much enjoyed the words and continuation of the poem. It helped me that you went into detail and took the time to show the whole picture! And what a wonderful picture though I don't understand it completely.
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bravo!magical poem indeed.i love the flow and the feel it has to it.you gave it a voice its about time people started heeding its voice.the peas in the pod tend to ignore the tree and are more concerned with whats on tv or the newist i pod thingy nowdays.
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