I gaze on dripping metal bars
I smell the scent of rank decay
Remorseless stones block out the stars
While whispers wander, drear and fey
I smell the scent of rank decay
The smell of bleeding, fear, and sweat
A price was called that all must pay
So seldom equal to their debt
Remorseless stones block out the stars
No solace offered by the moon
I languish here behind cruel bars
And slowly dwindle in the gloom
While whispers wander, drear and fey
Screams echo through the narrow halls
I dare not let my fears betray
Lest darker things might hear my calls
Author notes
username: Ontarah
Evil Angels are the best
Option 1.This form is called retourne. The only requirement for retourne is the repeating line sequence. They do not have to rhyme, but I like rhyme so I just stuck it in.
In a list
A contest entry
- 1 Hour - Form Contest by Cupcrazy.
400 points, ended February 6, 2007, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options/Titles......of Doom! by vampireblood.
415 points, ended February 23, 2007, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Forms/Dirty Pretty by the evil angel.
400 points, ended May 10, 2009, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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Interesting. This form intrigues me. I think I'll look into it. As for your poem, this has some great figurative language in it. I want to commend you on this poem because it is really grasping. Well done.
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hey this was a great write and i can really say that i enjoyed reading this..it was different and creative and powerful..you are a very talented author keep writitng your great at it!
xXTashaXx -
3 claps...9pts
Reward from The Poetic Bandits reading list
~Lilac
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Nice write...
A nicely written retourne...so deep and dark, a perfect dungeon piece, I could here the screams of torture going on, because your imagery was just amazing
This is not a poem to read in a rush, there are so many layers to it because of the wonderful metaphors...Thank you
Love and smiles...
~Lilac
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This poem is beautiful!
I can't find anything I don't like! Such a great write; thank you for the opportunity to read it.
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Bravo! Very nice poem. I liked the flow and the rhythmn. I also liked the images. It reminds me of a poem I wrote.
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never seen this form done successfully before ( other then examples ), well not in my opinion anyway, but I can't say that any longer...well done! I love that you attempted in dark poetry as well, it really adds to it.
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I don't know what a retourne is, but I know good poetry when I see it! wonderfy imagery rhyme and flow... a delight to read! Thanks for sharing your talent!
Love and Light,
Frogz~
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Darling, this was a pleasure to read again, though sadly, I can't applaud it again. Retourne is one form I've never really given a try. You make it look so easy! Your lines are so smooth and concise. I really admire your talent for this form.
~Lori -
Really great imagery and greay rhyme and flow. This is really well done! I so enjoyed reading this poem.
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well!!! I am speachless!!! love it...pen on!!!!
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magnificently worded. there are so many talented writers in the world an you are one of them. very enjoyable read and such a dark write. well written xShadx
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I didn't know that a retourne didn't have to ryhme. You did a magnificent job on this though.
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Sometimes a thing just has to be, have a life and they always amaze us . this one is amazing in every way , wordy lay out, title. dark and Cool, great job
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But it is certainly nice when it does rhyme. Truly a pleasure to fall into your rhythm. Well written!
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Interesting from you have used in this poem. Never tired this before, but looks like one has to be on the ball to get it right. Way to go. Dark and filled with visual images.
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very dark write I could feel the coldness great imagery of the dark and the words flow with ease best of luck in these contest...
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Very good
It's a good poem
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Something very different from what I'm usually accustomed to but nevertheless it's a great poem!
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This is amazing ... I love this form ... I had a contest to do with it a while ago ... this is a perfect example of this form and you have written of the content wonderfully well ... I loved the ending ... brilliant!
Stay smiling and keep writing
Polly
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This is a pretty good work... I must salute your sense of imagination. M impresed by the images of a dungeon u conjured up. U've been blessed with a great dose of creativity. Keep writing.
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very dark. a bit hard to read with the background and all, but not too bad. a very well written poem. i really enjoyed reading it, thanks fr sharing and good luck in all those contests
Good Write and God Bless
The Unrequited Writer
Ben B. -
You may not know why you chose this theme, but I suspect it chose you, as poetry often does. Either way, it was a wise choice. The atmosphere of cold and isolation were so strong. I realize it's not so, but it reeks of dark experience, so lifelike. A brilliant piece of writing.
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Wow, I truly liked this piece, it said so much within a little writing. The rhyme was really great to. Good Job. Thank you for entering and best of luck to you in my contest.
~~~Vampireblood~~~ -
Thanks for commenting on my poem, firstly... had to use this to reply as I have not figured out all the technology yet... You're right about "me" being repetitive... The poem was actually an experiment to try that device, so I guess it didn't altogether work.
You certainly conveyed a feeling of fear and of darkness... I am a bit claustrophic and, interestingly, the line about blocking out the stars triggered in me the same feelings of panic and nervousness I experience when trapped in a small environment. I expect that this means that you created the uncomfortable closeness of the dungeon very well. Normally I don't read really angsty poetry, but I'm glad I read this one
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i think this really gives you the feeling of been traped, i can see the bars on my screen. well done
keep it up
emeraldsoldier -
very dark. good write.
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Very well done!!
deep dark poem with excellent imagery. The flow is great! The rough spots are not noticeable enough to rewrite it, in my thought at least. I do like the form, can you expand upon it's requirements a little for me? (I did catch the repeating line part)
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Excellent! Retourne is not an often used form and one I hope to exercise in our group. It is refreshing to see one so well done! The concept of being trapped by the time limit in the contest was certainly not evident in the outcome of the piece! It was, however, a brilliant way to take the inspiration into the 'dungeon' as if held prisoner by emotion. Congrats on the HM! This is definitely a worthy write!
~Lori
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An easy read
Great flow As I stepped into the dark. Poetry which I enjoy.. Nice work
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excellent
excellent imagery, A pleasure to hear rhyme in poetry.
Ypu are indeed a master
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Lovely form and flow. Loved the darkness of this piece. The rhythm and rhyme is well done, very captivating write. Bunny
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oh i love a good walk in the dark and your opening lines WOW got my attention great imagery your lines paint the picture yet with your choice of words i sense the scent of the decay showing me the power of the mind as the movie plays am having a ball walking through your lines...what can i say but bookmarking this one. thank you for the pleasure hope you do real well in the contest
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