The day of the last wave slips;
the way our sandwiches
were finished by the gulls.
It was the last time we shared a towel.
The pier and lifeguard shacks
moved out to the ghost-towns,
and the last twelve year old
with sandy trunks is off to college.
When you left the ocean
went into hibernation
and I was left alone with the sunset.
If you are surfing again
may the breaks be long and clean.
A contest entry
- A metaphorical message to the missing by Dienush.
750 points, ended February 19, 2007, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Very good--and very deep its sad yet pretty and kinda peaceful
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First, let me thank you for entering my contest.
Second:
The flow and imagery was very well done. Creative perspective and conveyance. Easily related to. Original. Great use of metophors.
Well done
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This is really gripping. I get a double meaning from the sandy beach, a great memory, and time slipping through your fingers.
I hadnt noticed it until I read the comment below mine, but you really do tie up each stanza perfectly.
I am impressed. I wish I could write like this! -
Very deep...
You are so good at grasping the essentials of a glimpse, an idea, or a memory and making it profoundly meaningful. The true gift of a poet.
The last line in each of these stanzas has a unique quality and makes for delicious reading.
Best of luck in the contest.
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I think that the way the first two stanzas all have images of completion and ending really sets a nice tone for the rest of the piece--there's a sense of loss, but it's peaceful, as if an era's simply over; there's no wrenching heartache, which is probably even more effective. The simplicity of this piece is what makes it work.
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Wow. The metaphor in this is deep and well composed. There is a sense of loss in this poem, but it also seems to be very peaceful. The whole ocean metaphor appears to say that... it sounds like a calm ocean on an early fall's day rather than a stormy one. Thank you for entering.
~Diana -
nice enjambments
strong sense of the lingering melody of yesterday. The images vibrant, full creating sensual wonder in the this reader's heart. Very impressive. Nice attempt at being generous in the last lines. But you are not. You never wanted her to leave. Love, Tom B.
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very deep in a way nice writ
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Hi, sad little poem as if something good suddenly finished but you wished them well and there were no bitter thoughts and yet it could have been sarcasmn, either way a nice write, all the best in the comp, Di
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Di
thanks for the comment, as always I like the poem to be open to interpretation. For me it's more the bitterness of being valiant.
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Excellent
This is a very polished piece of poetry indeed. Tightly constructed, with every word contributing to the overall effect. A pleasure to read.
Bill
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This may actually be the best thing I have read all night. I love the literal double meanings that convey more in images than the simple comparisons offered by most metaphors.
I can legitimately say that I wouldn't change a thing. Lovely piece you have here.
Good luck in your future works. :-)
Breakdown:
Image: 9.1/10
Emotion: 9.2/10
Rhyme and flow: 9/10
Cohesion: 9.6/10
Message: 9.7/10
TAC: +0.5
Overall: 9.4/10 - excellent.
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This is a beautiful poem...so much light here. To wish someone that you've lost such blessings (surfing with long and clean breaks) speaks of a generosity, and perhaps a love, that is so generous. Loved the ocean theme here and the way you've weaved that theme and the metaphor throughout this poem...this is long and clean too. The line "the last time we shared a towel" points at closeness, sun, warmth..and that warmth is carried through to the end of the poem. Who could ask for a more generous and compassionate message like this. Beautifully written.
~ Nicolette
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