The blood in your veins travels in the same way as mine and
where you grew up I know not ,nor do I know the way you live
or how you were brought up when you began to grow one day
or what you spoke when your mother cared for you each day
but I know one thing for sure I am a part of your being
living and breathing and carrying on with daily chores
we are one in spirit and we feel the same thing when
people step over our bodies and trample our souls
we have different goals
yet we are one when we share the pain and cry again
The form is invisible the thoughts are same
we all play the same old game
we cut the bread and share it too
we pray, we laugh, we run ,we pry
we weep till our eyes are dry
strong are we and there is a bond
somewhere He sees
somewhere he cares
somewhere he unites
somewhere he gifts
a family out of nowhere
an extended for ufamily is the greatest gift that God gave to those he loves
A contest entry
- FAMILY FOR BLESSEDANGEL by Thankfulspirit.
450 points, ended February 12, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I like it.
I think the overall message is a good one for sure. I like the way you explain that although you don't really know the other person/people you are still connected to them.
There are a couple of suggestions I would make. Sometimes small words like or and but can be omitted and implied instead.
In line five I think I would have placed a comma after the word sure. As to the commas you have placed, the space is misplaced in a couple of spots - not ,nor - we run ,
If you type your poems on a Word Document program or something similar it will catch a lot of things like that as well as most typos. Then you can copy them and paste them in.
As to the repitition of somewhere, I've been told that repitition should be avoided and I've been told that helps an idea soak in on a reader so it depends on who you ask.
I do believe that He should be capitolized each time since I believe you are refering to God. This makes it His name and as such He is generally captiolized.
One last thing, and this is strictly a personal preference. When I have poems that have lines of uneven length like this one does I like to center them. I think it gives it a more uniform look. I realize that not everyone cares for this.
Nice poem.
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A definite "keeper" for all
Hi there!
It's a pleasant read when someone is sensitive enough to give out a questionaire that is subtley intimate;\
You mention the objectivity of our wonderful Creator whose intention is to bring out the best in each of us while creating a collection of us for His name's sake.
The 'somewhere' you reiterate in many different facets reminds me of His omniessence and increases hope.
Family is the first social order that contributes
to our world. One little world with bathroom privileges is a piece of a whole lot of world with leadership~
--- me.......
Thank you for sharing and welcome to the crazy but incomparable AllPoetry. Glad you tripped on it.
Technical suggestions:
anyplace where you 'ditto' a word, you could skip
for it IMPLIES the same subject. I'd not use 'Somewhere' each and every line. It'll put a
little more anticipation in your conclusion.
I like this a lot. You've got something going here. Keep posting and commenting. It's 'unity' in a dear way.
Warmly,CookieZeal
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Such beautiful verse here....I agree, extended family is the greatest gift God can give....so well done here! Thanks for entering my contest. Good luck! Smiles, Terry
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WELL DONE
Well done, this poem has alot of meaning. i would love to read some more of what you have. Keep there pen moving.
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thanx
Thank you for appreciating my poem.Maybe I'll write something else in a day or two .You can see the rest of my poems in all poetry .com -blazing leo's the name
so long n keep smilin
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