Your indecision
Is cutting me
(My own razor, perhaps?)
Going opposite ways through a door
Each of us steps in the other’s way
“Shall we dance?”
We’re pretending this awkward jumble
Is a graceful Milonga Lisa
With passionate reds
And flaring skirts
Precise steps- one two three, one two
Across the floor
Your strong arm around my waist,
I let you lead me.
I don’t want to be held
But I let you
Because I know you like it.
A razor blade, poised on the skin
Sweet relief to press down, (to dig in)
But it’s just an image
Of a deeper wound.
Too bad it’s not moving either way.
(Neither up
Nor down)
(In
Nor out)
I don’t want to dive into you but
There's no choice involved.
Once my feet have left the springboard,
The only way to go
Is down.
To watch the water
Rush up and swallow me.
Down into the flesh
The red streams and rivulets
Remind me of the dance.
Remind me of the colors
And of the sweat.
The smell of iron permeates the air.
I feel so used.
And I keep trying to blame you, but
It takes two to tango.
Author notes
Pressure to be in an unwanted relationship. Ah, the joys.
One of my favorite progressions of the poem is the idea that it's his fault ("Your indecision", "I don't have a choice", "I let you lead me", etc) to the idea that it's my fault. ("It takes two to tango") The back-and forth-ness of this concept kind of goes back to the image of being stuck in each other's way.
I started with just the imagery of the dance, and a brief mention of the razor, but I decided to expand the cutting metaphor and throw in the diving metaphor as well. Do you think the progression works okay, or should I just stick to the dancing metaphor?
This poem still needs a bit of work, but I think it has good potential.
Does it sound too "emo"? Does it make sense? How about the flow?
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Just be you..this is a nice change of usual writes I have been reading...such awkwardness but still knowing what you want... In your soul, you know you would be hurting him if you were to try and be someone you are NOT....Friendship can remain intact and even blossom to a fuller relationship....Good write...not sure if I like the whole "razor" thing, seems kinda just stuck in there...just my opinion though....
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It's lovely, really. And not emo, apart from the stanza with the razor blade in it. Somehow it doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the poem. I mean the entire poem portrays awkwardness:
"Going opposite ways through a door
Each of us steps in the other’s way"
and unwill on your part. But never does it seem to qualify for desperation, really. I mean I don't know if you cut yourself, and I sincerely hope you don't, but do you really think that this awkwardness is the base for that kind of hurt? Obviously I don't know the situation very well, but as an objective outsider... I think you should leave it out, perhaps. Save it for another poem, 'cause they ARE nice lines.
And the 'too bad it's not moving either way'? What's not moving either way? The blade?
But I must say it's a beautiful poem. It just conjures up this lovely image.
"Precise steps- one two three, one two
Across the floor"
-wonderful.
And it does make sense, to me at least. Apart from the cutting bit, that is. The flow is nice as well.
To make a long story short: I love it
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this sounds like something i tried to write once. or rather, two seperate things i tried to write. i quite like it, and YES it makes perfect sense, once you give it a moment of thought. GREAT JOB!!!
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This is such a dramatic poem. Vivied imagery and strong emotions makes this poem stand out. A real attention grabber that makes one stop and think. Well done dear poet. Well written indeed! I very much like the way that you wrote it the way it portrays life. It's very well structured; most people, (including me) can't break poetry up very well. I guess it depends on mood, for me. You have considerable talent at putting deep emotion into words.
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the poetry works well here
the content is about choice and circumstances in a potential romance..the writing is strong and expressive. The reader feels the tug of war... nice work from a talented writer
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:]
"But it’s just an image
Of a deeper wound."
Wow that line was really touching, I like the way you word your emotions, It's very inspirational and touching, I enjoyed your poem. Keep up the good work, props :]
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Your strong arm around my waist,
I let you lead me.
I don’t want to be held
But I let you
Because I know you like it
thoughs lines rigth there are powerful. and amazing. you did a great job with this. very well done.
♥♥
sam -
You have to be who you are. You will not feel comfortable going along with what he desires. It will not be fair to either one of you. I do hope you will be able to remain friends. Good luck
Soulful Woman
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i feel a trap waiting being forced against one's will time to make a stand but it seems you just give in and follow then feeling the guilt of those decisions....chaotic and confusion very emotive and well captured within these lines. I like the way you penned this poem. The cutting adds a depth of depression and total escae from the reality of the trauma. Nicely done.
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Going opposite ways through a door
Each of us steps in the other’s way
“Shall we dance?”
~ I love that line,, very good one to get attention to the poem... and I like it how it is.. yes you could change things... but still... it has soo much into it.. and the reader can get into it and feel it through their own life... I love how you wrote this out... very very well done! bravo.. and much luck with your friend.. I understand how that can be... well not al of it but some... I hope everything works out for the best! and again brilliant write..
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