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Crushed

Missing image

Crushed
.
Crushed am I and you broke my heart
I loved you from the very start
I sat upon the grocery shelf
Recycled now, I lost myself
.
I loved you from the very start
You put me in the grocery cart
You took me home and gave me love
“Oh what a feeling!” from above
.
I sat upon the grocery shelf
You took me home to quench yourself
You threw me in a recycle bin
You crushed my heart, Oh what a sin
.
Recycled now, I lost myself
No magic left, no fairy elf
Thinking I would not go far
Now I’m in your brand new car

 

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Author notes

retourne

Like so many other French forms, the retourne is all about repetition. It contains four quatrains (four-line stanzas), and each line has eight syllables. The trick is that the first stanza's second line must also be the second stanza's first line, the first stanza's third line is the third stanza's first, and the first stanza's fourth line is the fourth stanza's first. Retournes do not have to rhyme.

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Comments

1 - 15 of 15

  • pranj
    February 20

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    You are really really clever!
    I loved this poem. And therefore this form of poetry!
    You are a great poet!-I say this every time but what to do you write that way -
    You are a great poet!


  • Ithica silver member
    November 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Oh! I read this one and I forgot to leave a comment because I was in such a hurry to try to write my first one. I guess I was a little self absorbed! But I have recycled my way back and would like to say this is very, very, conscientious, earth friendly, and clever to boot!


  • Pisces Pieces
    August 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is so cool, for lack of a better word.. I know what this feels like, in a metaphoric sense...

    This form is really cool, I like to rhyme too, so, although it may take me awhile, I think I'll get it, I definitely understand it, and you've done an exceptional job in this example.

    What a fascinating metaphor, the cycle of life, of things, can be so...interesting. I need to try to think like this


  • okadadokie
    May 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I like this, it was kind of funny. How the can started out as a drink at a store, then when recycled it became part of a car. Very random. Great job. Roches d'aspect aléatoire!

    ~Oka/KC


  • Molassis
    February 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Very witty and clever this is!! An enjoyable read... entertaining and very well written... You've done an exceptional job with this form and with the actual wording here...

    LOVE the ending! Best wishes to you in this contest!

    ~Melissa


  • Fire N Ice
    February 5, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    LOVE IT!

    this was very clever,
    a great piece from an extremly talented writer,
    ive felt just like that poor pepsi can LOL


  • Dalaney gold member
    February 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Smiling...I just had to come by your way and check out some of your writing. I love this piece. You are a wonderful writer, my friend. I will put you on my favorites so I can catch them as you write. Thanks for always being so nice to me. Love, Lane

  • deleteit
    February 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Environmental friendly! I like that and pepsi is my soda of choice. Grocery is a tricky word. 99.999% of people pronounce it as though it is two syllables, including myself. In that regard, I am allowing it. Pretty much every other line was right on target give or take a syllable but I can tell that you read the description and gave it your best. I do apprecitate that!!!
    Overall, this is amazingly written and it shows true devotion. Any changes that you want to make is entirely up to you. It does not affect your status in this contest at all. Thank you for entering and the best of luck


  • PerVirtuous
    February 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Very cute. Three caffeine addicted bunnies.

    My favorite part was:

    I sat upon the grocery shelf
    You took me home to quench yourself
    You threw me in a recycle bin
    You crushed my heart, Oh what a sin

    Just want you to know it was entirely unintentional. I just was done with you and wanted a Mountain Dew.


  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    February 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    *smile*

    Very clever. Very clever indeed. I liked this. Best of luck in this contest. ~Pam


  • And Hyetal
    February 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I remember reading in another comment that someone said you could even write a poem about a crushed Pepsi can. Well...
    Great poem about recycling!!! And in the retourne form, too! Woop! (PS: I hope you don't mind me bookmarking this, M'Lady!)

    Eresse Tur-anion


  • Sacrificial Love
    February 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    OH MY GOOOOOOSH....

    See????

    Lmao...

    You got me crackin UP over here...

    I knew you could do it...and you call ME a master poet??? WOW.... you are incredible lady!!!!!!!!!

    Thank you for making me smile this morning

    xoxo
    Sahabah


  • February 4, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    OH MY GOD!

    This SHOULD be a SUPERBOWL commerical!!!


  • February 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Such deep writing!

    I will never recycle again! This poem shows you power of and knowledge of words.

    You can bring life to a can of Pepsi – which I like to crush since I hate Pepsi! I know you are crushed now yourself… I really like the RETOURNE you are a true master of this form. You pull the reader in from the very start not knowing where it is going. This is a great effect!

    Bravo!

1 - 15 of 15