You sat, with the tulips in our window
A silhouette crouched in the darkness.
You looked a stranger, staring into space
With such blessed intensity.
I caught that split second and lay with it on the bed.
As if it were another you I could explore.
I revel in my collection
Of these moments with you
As you show me each new facet
I am learning still, every quirk and
Every expression to cross that face
With its secrets; dreams that only I am party to.
The years are not dimming
My fascination with your body
At nights I can map it for hours with the tips of my fingers,
All its rivers, contours, a beautiful chart
While you sleep under the candle light
A calm sea, this is my voyage of you.
When I begin to float away, as is my
Unfortunate habit.
You anchor me and I am reminded
That I am little without you,
That together we are our own world.
You cure my confusion with the briefest of smiles
Tangle me within your limbs, breathing lust and obscenities
Reminding me that every swift and practiced movement
Proves your bravery.
It is truth and honesty, and you have never feared it
But made it mine, a gift, with your heart.
Perhaps you are cooling my deathly selfishness
Because for you I am whore and lover, I court your desire
Live for that look in your eyes.
I am more me,
I sparkle for you and you only.
The tulips in our window cast
Dramatic shadows on the bed
As the hours pass above
Our sweet oblivion.
A contest entry
- How Much Do You Love Me? by UnManned4Ever.
1000 points, ended April 4, 2008, 24 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love... Envy... Fabulous by Pretty Britty.
750 points, ended April 4, 2008, 46 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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This was really neat. I like how you tied everything together and i really like how you tied the tulip into the hole poem. How you started with it then ended with it as well! this i believe gave it a wonderful touch and shows your creativity! I really enjoyed reading this piece cause of the words you used and the imagery and feeling you cast! This was vary well done! great job!
Great luck in the contest!
Keep it up!
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This piece is beautiful! You write so well!
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All I can say is WOW! I really really liked this one and it really just .... well I have nothing to say for once but Great, Great job!! Your lover is lucky to have you. Good luck in the contes
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This is just a simple moment, simple thought, but yet it works so well because it's from the heart. I often used to watch Karl my ex just do things and it comforted me, thinking about what he could be thinking, wondering how we would be in years to come.
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very nice. i love the part where you say i sparkle for you and you only. it express true love amazingly!
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wow I really liked this one!!!
Reminding me of what its like again
thanks for your entry and good luck!! -
... another HM I wish I'd waited to have the points for.
Thanks for being soo good about the advice,
=> Jess -
I think overall you have some good concepts, and some great metaphors around them (i.e. I love the first stanza - catching a moment), how-ever I think from then on things weaken, and maybe need more work. There’s the potential to better than it already is.
I think the wording is loose (that the same could be said in less words, condensed), and you need to proofread;
- "Fa(s)cination"
- “Tangle me within you(r) limbs”
- I don’t personally like the alternation between use of the word “and” and the symbol “&” .
I know I can be personal about not wanting to change my work, so one idea might be to post another version? (Or just ignore my unprofessional opinion
).
=> Jess -
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Thanks for your honesty. I changed the mistakes. Will have a think about your other points.
Cheers
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many lines to hold on to here from the first to the last. your words capture a sense of devotion altogether unbridled and unashamed. a true gift indeed. my favorite moments: staring into space
With such blessed intensity.; caught that split second and lay with it on the bed.
As if it were another you I could explore.; pretty much the whole first stanza; At nights I can map it for hours with the tips of my fingers,
All its rivers, contours, a beautiful chart.; Reminding me that every swift and practiced movement
Proves your bravery. and so on. i like the use of the voyage or journey as a way to chronicle your relations and growth together. nicely done. excellent
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oh wow. truly beautiful. there's such complexity in this. it comes off as a simple love poem, but there are these little stings: "unfortunate habit", "lust & obscenities", "whore & lover". though i'd have to say my favorite part was "I can map it for hours with the tips of my fingers". makes my heart swell. overall, a really superb poem, best i've read on this site in a while.
small note: typo about halfway through the second to the last stanza (prehaps: perhaps)
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I didn't like the use of the word whore, and there is a spelling error: prehaps... should be perhaps.
Other than this, it is a wonderful write conveying immense emotion and I thoroughly enjoyed it!
James
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Thanks for entering... I will give a detailed review prior to announcing the results
cheers
James
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i like this. thank you for entering my contest. good luck
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Amazing
Your poem is captivating; I could see the words unfold in front of me, so passionate, and a style all of its own.
Incredible!
Good luck in the contest!
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Thank you
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beautiful.
thank you for entering my contest & goodluck.
♥ jade xox -
awww, do this! <33
beautiful. -
amazing
"When I begin to float away, as is my
Unfortunate habit.
You anchor me and I am reminded
That I am little without you,
That together we are our own world."
you are amazing..you can rite anything, any style and still it comes out wonderous..
god, you're and inspiration.
<3
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expressed like only you can. misunderstood (probably) like only I could.
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"At nights I can map it for hours with the tips of my fingers,
All its rivers, contours, a beautiful chart
While you sleep under the candle light
A calm sea, this is my voyage of you."
-that was one of the most beautiful descriptions of the human body I have ever read. It was abstract and soul melting.
"Tangle me within you limbs, breathing lust & obscenities"
&&
"Prehaps you are cooling my deathly selfishness
Because for you I am whore & lover, I court your desire
Live for that look in your eyes."
-those two parts reminded me a lot of John Wilmot's poetry. And I fell head over heals for them. They were intoxicating.
beautiful write.
when I get more time I shall look into more of your work.
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I like the idea that each little moment can be stored into a memory, and kept like photos in a box...
don't like the use of the word whore though!
other than that, I loved it
x
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The years are not dimming
My facination with your body
At nights I can map it for hours with the tips of my fingers,
All its rivers, contours, a beautiful chart
While you sleep under the candle light
A calm sea, this is my voyage of you.
When I begin to float away, as is my
Unfortunate habit.
You anchor me and I am reminded
That I am little without you,
That together we are our own world.
You cure my confusion with the briefest of smiles
Tangle me within you limbs, breathing lust & obscenities
Reminding me that every swift and practiced movement
Proves your bravery.
It is truth & honesty, and you have never feared it
But made it mine, a gift, with your heart.
Prehaps you are cooling my deathly selfishness
Because for you I am whore & lover, I court your desire
Live for that look in your eyes.
I am more me,
I sparkle for you and you only.
yeah. so i know i pretty much copied && pasted half the poem here....but those parts were absolutely amazing.
they remind me of my boy.
♥
excellent write.
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"At nights I can map it for hours with the tips of my fingers"
--I have this problem with telling people useless facts about me ... I'm obsessed with finger tips and mapping.
"Because for you I am whore & lover, I court your desire"
--this is different for a love poem so kudos.
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