You say you understand me,
I know none of this is true.
How can you understand me,
When even i don't have a clue.
I don't know how i feel,
I don't know what to do,
Sometimes i want to smile,
Other times i feel so blue.
Everytime my eyes close,
I see his grinning face.
Sometimes when they're open,
He's right there in my space
I sometimes get the smell of him
Drifting up my nose,
When i'm trying to go to sleep,
He's there when my eyes close.
And when i lie upon my back
His weight cuts off my air.
His words they always taunt me,
How is this life fair?
Sometimes I lie awake at night,
Wishing I were dead,
Thinking nobody should live like this,
With these thoughts inside their head
I've beaten him a few times
But will it be enough?
Have i got the strength?
Or will it all be just too tough?
I just want you to be there
When i break down and cry.
I don't want you to understand me,
because i know its all a lie.
You don't have to understand me,
You just have to be there,
So i can hold on to you,
When no one else seems to care.
Author notes
ok some of this doesnt flow right, my punctuation is pretty rubbish and the whole thing probably doesnt make sense. but its my first piece breaking free of writers block. its a true story behind it.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Horrible
The storry I mean...but the poem is ok...you are right, some of it doesnt flow right and your punctuation is bad as well. I hope I can make a suggestion Tear, without offending you, because being your AP mother, thats what I'm supposed to do. Here's just a sample of what I (personally) think about stanza 6, how it should read...it reads this:
I sometimes lie awake at night,
Wishing i was dead.
No one should live like this,
Those thoughts in there head.
I think it would flow better if it read:
Sometimes I lie awake at night,
Wishing I were dead,
Thinking nobody should live their lives like this,
With these thoughts floating inside their head
Just a suggestion and some constructive criticism. I hope you can take it and not be offended. You remind me of me when I read your work...you just need you get your punctuation, and find a flow. I promise punctuation and capitalization are a KEY in making your poem look better, and having people interpret it the way you meant for it to be interpreted.
It's a good start though. I could help you revise it if you wish, but by all means, if you want to keep it this way, keep it this way, its up to you!
Have a great day hun,
love, mom
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Bravo and ALsome
Awwww, Sis this poem is alsome and true from the heart with deep down emotions with full of powerful words and this is excatly how I feel right bout now each an every day of my life I really do and it hurts sis. Beautiful and well written poem sis keep on writing and letting ya heart and emotions out. Ok I am bout to cry now cause this poem really relate to what I am actually going through and Hell (sorry for cussin) its hard for me like crap it really is and I cant over come how I feel and I agree Yes, I want my soul and heart to just be here with me, So I am gonna go and stop rambling.. I enjoy all your writings. Keep up the marvelous work that U do cause its beautiful I mean beautiful. well i am gonna go u take care and hope things get betta for ya keep me in ya prayers I do the same cause of all things I need that more than eva right now.. take care til nxt time keep dat ink flowin ttyl love ya Great Poem Always!
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it does flow well and i like how much emotion is put into it well done keep it up.
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Pretty sad piece. The true emotion behind it makes the flow which is a bit stumbling at times umimportant. In my eyes you managed to express a lot within this piece and put a lot of feeling in those lines. So who cares about a perfect form? However, I felt what you were saying. Well done, keep it up!
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