She has the laugh of a girl I knew once;
Wild, unfettered, free
She has the smile of a girl I knew once;
A calm like peaceful sea
She has the eyes of a girl I knew once,
In the land of Deep Faerie
She has a manner most seductive
And a hallowed tear to shed
Your thoughts lie least conductive
When your shoulder rests her head
She's the embrace of a girl I knew once:
The strength to stand or flee
She'll reduce a grown man to a child
Or make a man of thee
And as I reach out for her,
She flies apart from my touch
She'll take her true self to the West
Cook food for the Flying Dutch
And as I reach out for her hand
She flies apart under my touch
To reveal a core as hollow as man
And of my thoughts make much
Author notes
OPTION TWO
A contest entry
- February New Member's Contest by AP Greeters.
600 points, ended March 14, 2007, 76 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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This piece reminds me of someone I know. Probably makes me the tiniest bit biased to enjoy it. There is a serenity in the reflective mannerism you used here. Like a fond love never really forgotten, that once again might be new.
The only advice I would like to give is for the first stanza, in which you said "a calm like peaceful sea" I read over this line several times and in several ways, I think it will flow more smoothly for you as well as make more grammatical sense as "like a calm peaceful sea", or perhaps just a comma to note a pause. I am not normally big on punctuation in poetry, however for consistency I would recommend it in that spot.
Thank you so much for sharing such a beautiful work with us.
jamie
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Welcome to allpoetry
Your poem flows well and was easy to read, helped along by the imagery you have projected onto the page. Interestingly you have began your first three stanzas with qualities of the young girl, in your final stanza, you have bought yourself into the picture, that seems to round out and bring your poem to a nice conclusion.
Well done for entering the contest for new poets, you have made a good beginning with your writing, check out the site and see what is on offer, above all, enjoy your writing
~Katie~
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Welcome to Allpoetry!
You rhyme scheme flows nice and smooth and maintains the imagery so well. This is quite good. One minor glitch though... I did note that you forgot to place the option choice in your author comments box. You may wish to go back and do this as not following the contest criteria would be cause for this to not be considered for a trophy and that would be a shame. While I am here let me also say, welcome to the wonderful world of Allpoetry. I hope that you find this to be an encouraging and helpful poetry site to explore and expand your writing ability. I just want to thank you for entering the new members contest and for following the rules of the contest, which is always important as well. I wish you the best of luck. Let me also encourage you to take some time to wander the site and check out all that we have to offer here. And remember, if you have any questions please feel free to contact any greeter here.
♥ Touchof1der
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Welcome to Allpoetry
The poem is very well written. Atleast the effort is good. But you have failed to abide by the rules, where is the option you chose on your author's comments? Kindly edit your work and resubmit it. Good luck in the contest. -
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D'oh! My apologies. Will rectify that as soon as I have time.
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Strong core.....
Hi, and welcome to the site!
You've entered a special piece here that is a good contender to the criteria.
Language art is a head above, with simplicity
unfolding naturally and without pretention.
To reveal a core as hollow as man
(And of my thoughts make much) Although I just LOVE
the conclusion (ending in adverbs is a fav of mine)
that last line isn't syncronic. Am I reading it
wrong?
Gorgeous and bittersweet! Thank you. I wish the
best for you.
i -
This was so sad and wonderfully romantic all at the same time. It reminded me of a song by The Cure and in my world thats a very good thing. Welcome to the site and I wish you luck in the contest.
Despair
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Welcome to AP! What a very beautiful write! It's soft, it's romantic, and it's very well done! I wish you all the best in the contest! Thank you for sharing and I hope you are enjoying the site!
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