Giddy chants resound within a concrete skull,
trying desperately to escape - to taste oxygen firsthand,
Clots congested through the narrowing veins,
the black blood becoming thicker.
Synthetical synapses breaking between broken hemispheres,
memories becoming an optical illusion of analytic anachronisms.
Fragments and cracked shards of exsistence and intelligence,
pour out of the ruptured blood vessels,
as fibers fray, unravelling the mystery of science.
Bruises of borrowed time quell the neurotransmitters,
and change the impulses, seeping into an unconcious mess.
Grey matter and white matter,
and my bleeding brain.
A contest entry
- Give it your all by livelife.
450 points, ended February 13, 2007, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Hmm...
Be back in a minute...
Okay, this poem sounds way too much
like prose. But I see the images you are trying
to create-- the graphic descriptions
could be made less scientific with a
bit more metaphors, if you should choose,
or with off-hand adjectives to bring
the pictures you write about to life
in the mind's eye of the reader.
The voice you have made is quite strong,
a bit desperate and melancholy mixed into
on song. I loved the second to the last line,
it incorporated well the clipped
scientific images as well as leaving room
for the reader to finish off where you have started.
A sense of time (or timelessness) would help give this poem momentum, and therefore a sense of reality or surrealism.
How long did this "operation" last? More importantly,
how long did the speaker imagine it lasted?
Okay, done. For now. If you wish to include author comments that would better explain your poem, and by some lapse in sanity, wish to have me critique this piece again, I would be more than happy to do so.
Avatar
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0.o
you've written this densly, and well.
The accuracy of the terms and and pace that you've written this at adhance the effect that the poem gave me. It brought to mind images of strokes and brain damage.
The descriptions that you've used here: "cracked shards" "Clots congested" "black blood" "Bruises of borrowed time" presented me with more than imagery, but senses taste, smell, faint impulses of revultion.
However, the use of 'my' jolted me back into a seperate view of the poem that you had presented. A view that looked upon somehthing odd, for what the otherlines had discribed. It seemed imposible for you to then term it as 'my', (just science talking here)
but overall. Fan-bloody-tastic.
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I stand and applaud you!
Synthetical synapses breaking between broken hemispheres,
memories becoming an optical illusion of analytic anachronisms.
Fragments and cracked shards of exsistence and intelligence,
pour out of the ruptured blood vessels,
as fibers fray, unravelling the mystery of science.
I love it!
Your wording is amazing!
Nice work!!
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This is an absolutly phenominal poem I absolutly loved it all the way evry word and every phrase. love it love it love it. poetry is a poets gift to the world and you are certainly a brilliant poet
all the best
nightmare xx
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This sounds like you had a lot of fun writing it. It struck me as sort of being like poetic splatter painting, though I can see you had a purpose and thought about what you were doing. I definately had fun reading it, and your use of words made this quite interesting. Good write.
Oh, though this was a fantastic piece, there is such a thing as using to many adjectives in one short write! Just a caution for the future, but don't change this piece, its perfect. -
Very interesting and definitely a true poetic piece.
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and i really really mean that.
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for brtain science bleeding as your cat's this is almost 2 good 2 b true! i really love beautiful and creative poetry like this, it really sings to me in so many ways silent, simply a beautiful piece of mastery frost would have marveled at!
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needed my dictionary for this poem but improved my vocabulary and found meaning in this poem meaning for my bleeding brain. good write thank you, honestly I think you just overly augmented your word usage trying (so it seems) to emphasize your thoughts with vocabulary overly expressed in the corridors of unrolled linoleum walkways of relatively unfounded juxtapositional avenues intersecting correlations of difinitive comparisons.
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very well written.
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I would have to agree with Astralshepherd...the poem seems to be a bit overwhelming, and almost seems like merely a list for the first 8 or 9 lines. However, the ending brings the whole thing together excellently. Perhaps splitting the poem into two or three stanzas with similar endings to each stanza would break it up a little bit and allow the reader moments to fully take in the images that you've painted, before moving on to the next set. However, overall you've done a powerful job! Keep on writing
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awesomepossum!
it's great that you're combining poetry with science. it shows not only creativity but knowledge. i encourage more!!
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attention worthy
Your love of science was made evident through this poem. The first few lines seems to be your hyper energy trying to escape. Due to holding this in, much like not releasing pint up stress, it's damaging your brain. You feel like you're losing your mind. That's my interpretation. Nice work.
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oooooh....it's haaard....
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Your poem has great depth of imagery, but, much like a 1970’s mustang with a jet aircraft engine, your poem has so much power, it fairly rips itself apart with before the finish line. So much imagery and intensity that makes it, for me, a bit unwieldy – top heavy and ploddish. Ok that was the bad….here’s the good, you are a intense visionary with the ability to find the core element of a concept, hunting down and sucking every subtly from it, making entirety your own, utterly unique and distinctively sincere. I would have to say that your writing skills would be like a superhero who has just found out she can fly, has invulnerability (and all that X-Men kind of feel) …the trouble is that you posses so much strength and speed, you have a difficult time learning to actually fly without soaring through mountains – with a little time and considered effort, you will exceed all expectations, to the extent you will amaze yourself with how much depth and profundity you are able to convey. I am sure this will do well in the contest, it has so much intensity. Blessings and best wishes, ~richard
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Thank you! Finally someone is honest, your criticism is hugely appreciated! I'm working on trying to spend more time and thought into my poetry as i usually don't, this for example was rather rushed.
Thanks again for taking your time to read,comment my poem, i will take everything onboard!
x.x
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Good poem, really made me think. Good luck in the Contest!
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a good piece, i like the alliteration you have used here - i wish that you have good luck in this contest you have entered. spill ink and twist me into the crazy shape of love...
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