Lightning troubles night's sky with fingered flare
as westward winds whip o’er the barren rock.
Storms stir my soul at this high mountain loch
while a chill challenges the autumn air.
A lonesome loon trumpets in poignant prayer
as I solemnly stand upon the dock.
A perfect place for God and me to talk
when life leads down this path of dark despair.
Wash me; cleanse me with rains of joy and hope,
teach me; guide me on choosing what is right.
Let me understand the purpose of pain.
Comfort me now and help me learn to cope
for I fear I may not escape this night
or feel the kindness of Your love again.
Author notes
As with all my poetry, I appreciate constructive feedback so that I can improve as a writer. Please give it to me straight, I'm a big boy, I can take it.
In a list
A contest entry
- Picture Inspired by countrybabe.
525 points, ended February 4, 2007, 26 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Enter Your Best Prewrite by xxRainbowDawnxx.
300 points, ended February 25, 2007, 105 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Experience That Changed You by loveyourfate.
900 points, ended December 30, 2007, 25 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 42 of 42
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Wow! This poem is absolutely amazing! Your imagery language is incredible! I can picture it all! Keep it up!
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When i read pieces of other peoples poems, i always go on the images that leap into my mind as i take in the words. This piece saw me seeing someone very sorrowful and and missing someone dear to them. The beautiful words used to describe the view of where you were and what you saw complimented the feeling you were feeling in this piece. Quite sad really. I very much enjoyed it and maybe you could tell me what you feelings were at the time this was written. A true delight.
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Thanks for your entry. A lovely spiritual experience that must have changed you. Great imagery.
Let me understand the purpose of pain.
Really well said. I loved this line -
Quite lovely
When ever I read a poem my first thought is
was it written by a man or woman ( I have no control over this). What I'm looking for is the direction from which it came, a form of understanding. Everyone writes from the heart, but in this world we do have two hearts. They meet on many levels, our roles defined by the stars.
Your poetry refects the softness of a woman, an ache, timeless strength. I'd like to invite you to my page, "A strand of silk".
c
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I love the alliteration and the chosen rhymes. However, I am a little bummed by your meter. Sonnets are supposed to be written in iambic pentameter, and anyone who knows sonnets will immediately notice if they're not. This was a wonderful read, regardless. Thank you for entering.
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thank you so much for your wonderful entry into the contest to make me smile. i wish you well and thank you again. viyanna rosemarie
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A lovely entry, thank you.
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Thank you very much for entering this contest. I may add much more of a comment later on since there are so many other submissions.
You may want to keep in mind that I will try to open more of the same contests one after another if I can earn enough feedback to do so which I must say would be truly appreciated. Altogether, I hope this will also give everybody a glimpse at one of you're favorite accomplishments which hopefully in turn inspire them to look at what else you've got. -
Hey there my dear friend you know I really thought this was a fantastic and most exelent poem I loved every every every single line line line ,lol Ihope you get some nice comments on the excellent piece of writing cause I think you deserved loads, it sounded like you enjoyed writing it too, Thanks for sharing this most excellent most wonderfull and most fantastic most spectacular pice, lol luvs Gem!!
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Good
Ok, well one thing I noticed right away, but it might just be me is the first line sounds a bit awkward, it doesn't seem to flow right, you know? But the rest is good and the alliteration is awesome! I think you may have leftout punctuation on purpose because you pause at the end of each line when you read it. I found out a lot of people do that - I do not - I find it helps the flow of the poem and makes it easier to read and look better. I am not making you or anyone to add punctuation because that is your choice. However, I thought I would let you know what my thoughts were. Thanks for entering and the best of luck!
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Your are a true poet
Keeping bring them on...
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Beautifully spiritual and forthcoming... Love the way you are in touch with your thougths and feelings, and can ask the right questions... It's something that we all struggle with. What is the meter you have used, as I like it very much. Works well on the theme of your poem.
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very good poem.
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Perfect
I'm glad you won the gold trophy for this. I love it. A mountain talk with God...very inspirational. So much so that you've inspired me to write out a prayer to God, too. Good work.
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very lovely
this is very lovely well thought out with great detail and imagery i love to read things like this that are simple and easy to read great talent keep up the good writing -
This poem is beautiful. Your words are well chosen and this poem is brilliant. Beautifully descriptive. Well done dear poet. Good luck in the contest.
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This is wonderful! I felt the very essence of this poem... it made me remember all the times I've visited the mountains in Cherokee N.C. and Georgia and even up the Blue Ridge Parkway... I would climb until I could clim no more and then I would just stop and talk to the Lord. THe beauty there is amazing... Just like the beauty in this poem! A delight to read! Thanks for bringing back wonderful memories!
Frogz~
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Excellent
Oh I just loved this beautiful Italian Sonnet. Very very nice. From the night sky to the loon to wanting the feel of love. This simply flowed. Excellent work. ~Pam
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For I fear I may not escape this night
Or feel the kindness of Your love again
I love these lines, so connected, I know how it is to have loved and lost, it is the most painful experience...I like it...
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Beautiful piece. It started to remind me of Moses and then the second stanza changed my mind. I was tought you can talk to God anywhere, a mountain seemed extreme to me. Too much exercise for me. It was still a beautiful poem. Good luck in the contests
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Oh goodness this is absolutely beautiful. I love the background texture, it's almost like the sand of a beach at nighttime
great job! I can honestly find nothing wrong with this piece, I find it just simply amazing. You write a lot like myself, in my eyes anyway. I love freestyle poems, they are much more open and original. Love it. ~ Kerri
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Beautiful...
You bring peace to your reader and draw them right in...
I love this piece...no criticism...no critique...
xoxo
Sahabah...
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Wow!!
This was really a truly inspiring piece!! I felt as if I was right there thinking those very thoughts and feeling those same feelings! you really know how to get your reader into the poem !! I honestly cannot say anything bad about it!! thankyou for sharing your talent!!
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Once in a while I read a poem on this website that I actually like! hehehe This was surely one of those poems. There is great imagery here which leaves on breatheless especially if lie me they are nature fans. The image of a windy dusky moment with the presence of wind repelling against a rock becomes strong. Never stop streaching yourself as a writer. Keep penning. And good job!
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Wow
WOW....this piece is awesome. I loved every word of it. I have no nit picks at all. You are really talented at writing poetry to go with pictures. It fits perfectly. Thank you for your great entry and good luck.
Keep writing
Countrybabe
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This went very well with the picture. Its calmness and serenity came through so clearly. Great job
Soulful Woman -
OH...
I forgot....
Best wishes to you in the contest... although I personaly think you should do well!
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Wow, Oh Wow, Rory! I ran over really quick to see the picture you used for this... you've done just an outstanding job capturing the picture... I'm impressed that you didn't just write about what was in the picture... but you really caught the spirit of it...
This piece has a natural flow to it... very sweet and smooth, no rough spots that make you have to stop and begin again... simply fabulous! Very easy reading... delightful content...
Your heart's cry comes through as well... and is very emotional... but you've cried out to Him... and all will be well...
Extraordinary piece... one to be proud of!
~Melissa
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"Lightning troubles night's sky with fingered flare
As westward winds whip o’er the barren rock"
Sighhh...Ok, Big Boy...here ya go. 
I hope you can take a "critique" without any obvious criticism...I thoroughly enjoyed this poem, Rory...This is a serene penning, even with its initial statements of yearning & despair...& yes, I see Hope within these lovely lines...As Poets & creative spirits, we must be always be aware of the duality that exists within our own Hearts, & give them voice...yours holds clarity within...This piece has a quiet sense of solitude about it...it makes us pause & ponder our own existence...there are many layers that require us to unveil our own thoughts in perspective...It isn't easy being a sentient human being, let alone a vastly creative Soul...the lives we lead are amazingly intense & sometimes quite painful, as well...You've given us a voice that isn't harsh or too much to handle...this is an in~depth piece, filled with impressive verbiage & purity of flow...self~analytical without being egocentric or delusional...It holds great imagery within, raw & easy to identify with...This is a vivid piece that causes one to contemplate the significance of our place in this universe...I always try to leave a light on in my own work & usually succeed...but I do have darker ones, as well...Hang in there, Poet...Life has a way of working things out, with or without our help...As the comedian Steven Wright said, "No, you can't go back & change the Past; then, again, you can't go back & screw up what you did RIGHT, either." That always struck me as being quite profound...Be well, Poet...
Wanda
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really enjoyed the visual part and how it is very deep and prayerful
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wow!!!
this is awesome!!! you amaze me. there are few men who do. 2/3 of those are on here. when one can write like this it speaks of the heart within the man. that is what i see when i read your writing. that is what impresses me. (don't worry--i'm not meaning in any weird way)
your talent and the heart within you are a great combination.
keep up the awesome work and good luck in this contest. viyanna rosemarie
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This flows superbly with no hint of forced rhyme, just made me feel as if I stood there with you, beautiful place to talk to God, as one with nature. I enjoyed the read.
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what a beautiful write! i find nothing wrong with this. it flows well. your use of imagery is superb. i can visualize it all in my mind. keep writing poet. i hope to read more from you soon. God bless you
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Rory
As ever you ask for constructive criticism and as always I find that there is nothing I can say that I think would make any improvement to a wonderful poem.Just a pleasure to read as always Thank you
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You and your beautiful writes. I must say I am so glad you found me or I may have missed out on the greatness you write.
You always take the reader with you on your journey...wherever it maybe. For me that is a wonderful daily escape, to the life I once knew and long for so much.
Yet another lovely write, though much shorter then most.
Thank you again for sharing a part of you and your life.
Best to you!
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You have a wonderful poetic ability to take the reader right in to this scene! I felt yanked off my chair and put right onto this mountain! This is beautiful and powerful! It's sad, but I feel hope.
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Almost the perfect setting and such wisdom in your words. Teach me, guide me. The way we should speak to our father during trying times to help us understand the purpose and it's meaning.
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Excellent
This was a spellbinding write. Your imagery was beautiful and I was pleased no visual was posted as it was not necessary as your words paint a stunning picture of a quite intimate moment. Excellent penning from you and a wonderful read for me this afternoon. Always my pleaure and this feels "Golden" ~Tia
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Another wonderfully written poem with a wealth of knowledge for those who chose to reap it!
Blessing,
Azlyn
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Perfect
thank you so much for sharing..this is so very beautiful..I think we all at some point in our lives could use that dock and the rain to wash us clean..
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Beautiful words, imagery and flow.
The only difficulty for me was picturing you, a strapping man from the untamed American west, traipsing about the Scottish highlands. The word loch, while it means lake, is exceedingly rare in American parlance. I'm sure you envisioned your words in an American setting (I haven't seen the picture, could be wrong) so... it was just a bit of a throw for me picturing a Scottish loch in the Rocky Mountains.
OK, I'll make like a leaf and disappear.
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wow..I have felt this alone many times in my life and definitely walked down the path of desperate despair...now I know I am not alone....I like that "let me understand the purpose of my pain" Sometimes we dont always know right away..this is a powerful write and expresses much loneliness and despair....great job
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