you just aren't normal, you:
running your fingers along the frets,
indents in your hands,
arguing about pop music
and piercing the eyes of love songs
with a distortion pedal
on the corner of 7th and Main,
I saw a broken soul:
he bled grace notes and cried g-clefs
(oh, how I wish
I could stand out there
with my speakers on the sidewalk)
on the corner of 7th and Main,
I saw a broken soul:
he bled in measures and cried in accents
you just aren't normal, you:
listening to me talk about sunshowers
and nights on the street,
still arguing about pop music
and piercing the eyes of love songs
with a distortion pedal.
Author notes
username: narcissus at oasis
poem about a musician who's so caught up in his work that there's no time for love...megane write
also posted on my fictionpress and deviantART accounts
A contest entry
- Musical Backbone - Ending 10 pm EST by CarolDesjarlais.
525 points, ended February 9, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Enter Your Best Prewrite by xxRainbowDawnxx.
300 points, ended February 25, 2007, 105 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrite Festival: Round Three by Tangled Angle.
450 points, ended December 16, 2007, 3 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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gaahhh, you are good! i loved your refrain, since it's NOT AT ALL CLICHED. whew. so cleverly organised and it comes right when it is required. i think you have a brilliant poem here, as all the enteries in this contest are excellent- you are making my job harder. tsk tsk- one day i'll get my revenge ;]
good luck!
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Title: 10
Overall originality: 10
Overall creativity: 10
Use of Poetic Devices: 10
Organization of ideas (line breaking, etc.): 9
Flow: 8
Understandable enough: 9
Reaction: 7
Phrasing: 10
How I liked it generally: 8
total: 91
i think your notes in your comments made your point/message more clear than it did in the poem, even though without it the poem would make enough sense for me to get the gist of it. I think you could have focused more on who you were writing about, this would have resulted in a more emotional poem, thus the impact would hit harder- and I think it would seem more focused [I know you did focus on the musician, but the transition from directing it to "you" and then saying "he" kind of made the message a bit like a rickety bridge- it was difficult to see the connection because I was stuck double-guessing myself.].
This is a very well written poem however. I really did like this. The voice here is unique,and the phrasing of your ideas is wonderful. I love how you used repetition without making the ideas seem like a "she already used that idea" kind of thing; the repetition was good for the message of the poem [I really think that is what saved the poem, because it re-directed the reader to the main message of the poem - that is where it seemed to get the focus back on track].
But yeah- awesome job, and best of luck in the final round.
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"you just aren't normal, you:
listening to me talk about sunshowers
and nights on the street,
still arguing about pop music
& piercing the eyes of love songs
with a distortion pedal."
lovelovelove this.
great job sweetie♥
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So sad that someone who creates the rhyme of love can't feel it for themselves... Sad, but true on many cases. I pray that one day he will find a love without losing his talent.
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Wow, this is agenre unto its own..how very fresh a write....I see a great deal in this poem... I almost hear two voices in this poem.... how it perks my interest and I can not pinpoint exactly what it is...perhaps the layering of menaing and nto meaning. Thank you for entering this.
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To be frank, I don't know very little about the megane-rock scene. Also, honestly, I don't get this poem at all. I keep reading over this poem in hopes to understand, but nothing's coming to me. I can't give you a fair critique and judging, and I'm sorry.. Should you choose to still be apart of my contest, you may enter a different pre-write. If not, I'm truly sorry.
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honestly, it's alright. I understand how you didn't get this poem. I confuse myself sometimes!
it's about a musician who's so caught up in his work that he doesn't have time for his love.
but rather than explain it to you I guess I should enter another prewrite...sorry for my vagueness and I'll submit a clearer one for sure. Thanks for letting me know.
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this. is. amazing. i really like this poem, it's one of my favorites i have read on this site in awhile. it captures your insight on a musician and, although i could be mistaken, someone very important to you. i love it.
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I have to say, I really loved this. Lately, the stuff I've seen on this site has proved mediocre and boring, but this really stuck out. I loved how you tied the first and last stanzas together. It wasn't repetitive, but actually made the piece seem complete.
I loved, "piercing the eyes of love songs
with a distortion pedal"
Great write, good luck in the contest!
Axel Rose
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that shows the confused state of human existence ...
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Hi, I'm Melissa, j's friend. He is right, this is really wonderfully done. Your words are not contrived and the flow works beautifully. Normally I am not one for repetition because it is not done well, this though, really is beautiful. Wonderful piece.
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to be honest, this is some of the top material that i have read on the site since joining three or four years ago. really, i mean it. it all works so perfectly together, and really is one of those pieces that uses everything in the poem for extreme effect, leaving nothing in that hinders or could be removed.
i greatly love it, am bookmarking it and also sending it to a friend to read, herself. very awesome piece.
j
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