I looked in the window
She smiled at me
Knowing the glass would protect her
I placed my hand on the pane
That only I felt
I smiled back
Why did he stop
The sign said closed
He doesn't shop here
I pass by there daily
Never this late
I never look
No loitering allowed
Get out of my mind
I'm not like you
Closed
I go home
So does she
Author notes
bluecollarlove
A contest entry
- Whatever by Earthmagick.
480 points, ended October 20, 2007, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything goes.. by IamRemy.
625 points, ended December 16, 2007, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For the love of god CONFUSE ME by h202.
450 points, ended February 10, 2008, 64 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Nancy Boy [PRE-WRITES] by girl shaman.
2500 points, ended December 24, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Survival of the Wittiest by Avatar of Innocence.
500 points, ended February 4, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - What The Hell Is Wrong With Him? {Stupid Love} by GypsyEyes.
466 points, ended March 3, 2008, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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i do very much like "i placed my hand on the pane/That only I felt". nice use of pane there, so it sounds like "pain" and also makes sense if you read it as pain. nice double meaning there, or pun, even if you didn't intend it.
there isn't anything bad about this, it just doesn't really stand out. there's no punctuation, and most of the time i feel like punctuation is really a necessary part of a poem. it directs how it should flow and I prefer it in most pieces. i see it as a pretty simple way to strengthen any poem as it usually isn't that hard to use a little punctuation and form to mirror meaning in parts of your poem.
good title. it works in well with the poem and i like that it's not just the first line plucked out and used as a title. thank you for entering.
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Hahahaha...wow, this poem is a stunning conundrum. It dances between the lines of genius and mediocrity depending on the perspective of the audience.
Such a bare and stark poem. It is practically naked except for the running thought. That nakedness could be beautiful, or it could be completely inappropriate.
I do like its slippery tone...or molasses tone...something stretchy and languid about this poem is appealing.
However, due to its absolute minimalism (a real word I hope...) or in spite of it, there is not one outstanding word or phrase in this whole poem. I don't know whether you were going for that, or if you didn't even consider it at all.
The last line...eesh...it was empty and not in the sexy sense. It hung there, uneventful...almost like a big fat "The End". Please work on that, poetry should never end, especially not this type of "moment in time" poem. The topic of the poem, though not entire cliche', is not terribly original either.
If you care to improve this poem, please let me know. I can show you some other famous poets whose style of writing is similar to this poem, and maybe you can get inspired to revision.
Hope my critique helps...If not, please disregard. -
No loitering allowed! That works very well for your poem. Thanks for joining!
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This is an interesting piece. Not right for this particular anthology but I do appreciate the effort.
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Very profound poetry here....why do some people look at $$ signs instead of at the heart of the matter. So blessed is the one who finds true love...I enjoyed the read. Keep up the awesome work! Smiles, Terry
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high society isn't allowed to love blue colla
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