A pre-term mother cares for a newborn-to-become
With singing, exercising, and adding a hum
Listing the nutrition to keep hoping for an addition
Never forgetting, that birth is near with only a little fear
The nascence came, Mother is pouring love before the milk
Baby listens to the rhyme and feels Mamma's hand that is silk
Mother scrubs baby's teeth with the tooth brush of words!
Knowing of that, she would announce, 'Look at the birds!'
Six months - Two years - old now, the clock had a swell!
My ears are alert with teeth, go to the door as I hear the bell
Mamma's yeses… she walks her along to go answer the knock
A toddler he would be now, with the longer legs of learning
Playing the strings of going through Mother's fingers will
delight her to buy a harp, which will be her teenage earning!
The 3-year-old wants Mamma to teach her to read while in rest
Mother says each word repeatedly to move the flow best
And then, points her to good sides of poetry for the first test
There may be levels, but it's done at recess, so it isn't a pest
The youngster likes to be smarter when Mother offers lovely help
I see it ideal once Ma completes babe's needs so she won't yelp!
At five, the nudge at his brain is, he's urged to do a little math
When he reaches his A-plus from Mother, he can take his bath
"What's 26 + 39? If you can memorize it, you're a little clever!"
I hope it wouldn't take forever!
The way you are at eight, you'd already ate Mamma's milk long ago
The relationship is still there with moment memories
And, there's brand new things to store away; for instance a song
Added to the collection first are talking & caring with an accent
The hill up to high school years, every minute of joy is watched
The mamma will set up a home class just for the child
A way's after that, the same story will be told in a different way
Hopefully, it won't be splotched
Time goes by!
But, it sure does not fly!
Author notes
Please leave me a comment, but don't use my name.
I love rhyme! I hope you notice that in some stanzas, there are different patterns of block rhyming, hee-hee, I thought that'd be cute. I'll see if you do too.
A note for PetrifiedAfforded: Do you think it sounds better for the last two lines to be like this:
"Time seems to fly!
But, it really only goes by!"
Thanks for the chance for me to enter!
______________________________________________________
REPLY #1:
I hope I fixed everything you wanted, I think I got everythin edited to your standards... If U (is capital U the same as little you?) see parts that are questionable that I did not change, which you said in your comment, then tell me again and I'll know something's important-- and will change! Try reading through your own comment and my poem to catch those.
Do you think I can delete this from my auth notes?
"A note for PetrifiedAfforded: Do you think it sounds better for the last two lines to be like this:
"Time seems to fly!
But, it really only goes by!"
p.s. does uuu (that should have the same quality as you) believ the color is better, or should I change it back?
#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#
REPLY #2:
Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't want the "kelp" thing in there anymore, but I guess while I was working on it, I forgot to take that line out. Hope it swims better now! I also changed the "three yr old" to "3-year-old," I hope that's how you would want it to be. Please read the whole thing as I made a few other changes too. thanx agan.
Will your comment be shorter next time in the sense that you won't be still asking me to change things (lol)?,
blah-blah-blah (me)
'
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REPLY #3
Verdict: last time?
Your review:
check the whole thing again
if everything is fine now, you don't have to comment again. although, i liked all of your last ones!
Applause: paper ones without the smilies
In a list
A contest entry
- Mother's Face, Baby's Face, Words in Between by PetrifiedAfforded.
1050 points, ended March 5, 2007, 6 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Do you find pictures?
Comments
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no more telling to do homework, soon
SplishSplas/Pencil (used to tongue twisters?),
I forgot one of your requests for check too. The font difference, how finny, only appears the red link... which I'm delighted with.
I do like the year instead of yr; it makes me think of St being reserved for an envelope and street for the paper. Now, I know, that line and others similarily too long ehich gets the rhyme broken off, needs to be shortened, but probably not by abbreviation but adjustment. But that stanza with the stretch that got me starting to look disappointedly, actually has the rest of it tightened nicely. Especially, "sides" versus a dependence that isn't the subject, site.
The help/yelp is not to be left-aighned rhyme in the sense, can you retieve it to right side emphasis by tightening the verses until they are with end line marks at the correct mark for each? This kind of modification needs to kindly be done further in the poem when telling "bath" aand "accent, which I hope is easier asked this time, because I need to judge before moderators come do it, Others are slow on changes from tedious comment too. If I stayed for another contest, I'd adopt that author note request for comment from judege... to be the way I figure rule problems or full review!
I didn't want this embossed as a scab!
2:25 past my bedtime or lights out to not become befooled one's untired when on the computer... but I've made the typos of that truth --
~Carolyn [Oh, yeah, Mamma exhastible]
P.S. I can't unclick the accidental click of the applause icons, which is a means of believability over a piece being shown I've only used twice and then found it eeerie and not representative of a crowd pleaser but like sun god even got happy, by which bowing down to comment is enough more often then not. I think human touch of cheerines is kept though through say spotlighting where you have to have an explanation required approved not just a character mark satisfying...
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funny or ffuunnyy
SplishSplashPemci (not by a plank to bounce ideas off I hope),
Thanks is foremost for the pleasing acknowledgement of the gaffe that was at "slap" and how it was reconfigured to "nudge" which gets demonstrated with alliteration for older "brain" for time frame.
But line breaks are still hanging unnaturally long.
If you are reading it with hide background ease, it's deceivingly alright, because not only does that adjustment change the font to one of in an instant, but the border is removed and hence longer lines work on that plain screen. So, look for the example in the "three yr old" meter for the type of mistake I'd like fixed with multiple times.
I am not just still uncomfortable with one of the stanzas, I think it got clumsier :
"The smarter the youngster keeps getting when Mother offers lovely help
I see it lovely once Ma finishes all babe's needs so he/she won't yelp!
could be easily taught is: not to chew on candy of kelp"
so beyond verse length, the subject isn't enjoyed as very strong but trying to make sentiment without specifics until the joke of now "candy kelp" which I'm not with anymore plasticity to like a compund of two potential negatives when the second remains vague for such connection...
as to whether it's the plant itself or maybe those familiar with seaweed could guess the warning over algae and other organisms that might be stuck -- even after soak >>> so I quit kind of feeling instead of nauseausness. I'll ask again, would you rather take this section out? There's still chance for changes which can be part deletes or edits, as I'm waiting for signs of response from other entrants for at least another day.
I suppose other thasn that, each isolated emphasis shpws some types of cmmunication, so there's component for major judging. I strongly see your style, but what I want to seal my sell too, therefore both will be looked at.
OK, ending soon.
~The judge... just to be Mmamma again.
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Outlined love
moSplishSplashPemcil (let's be honest, I'm slowed down knowing it... due to quote in quoestion -- it was on active Excel re-minimized during my e=mail use on your daddy's and your computer when I clicked blindly for habitual dictionary dispalay>>> but red marks arem't put on your paper because the person is identified),
Your poem's presentation was a theater for my tears, with a black curtain that is then around a blue scroll like theoretical talk of attachment.
Your first stanza sifted the preparation in the mix of joy such that satisfaction isn't by an attitude of rather just go to the last page of an experienmce to find birth certificate outcome without counting one's own toes or effort to tap a "hum" and have the feet stand "nutrition" even affect a core choreography in the dance of life. Quoting your last line there would be like picking the crevices of my mind.
[The 9 letters of allpoetry are not the only means to kmow writing on 9 months, but discipline by who had it penned he will be opening his hand for delight, stopping just ideas, as a Psalm almost shows mutual hope in the comfort we could recive. You should look it up in the concordance.]
Your second scene in sections of words is showing there's nothing intermediate in what's emotional for the giving to be of fullness maternally. I sense there are indications that are tooth sized to be touched upon as gestures might stop and "scrub" a tickle for truth with the baby's mouth, as your second line here implied for me. The bright smile can be seen even in what is balanceavble, so "wprds" by "birds."
Just as new skin has a stretch or stretches while the hiding place of first growth shrinks, a bellyful of photalbums might occur or that which is photoed in the heart, as the "clock swell" is seen with dramatic changes for a newborn in "months" and brief "years" like after news of being pregnant! We might click with the quick to know the times lively and not just fast. The phrasing there also made be think it was precise with speculations over miscarriages, one definite.
I guess you were using the figurative grin bearing mmm at turning to someone by "ears alert with teeth." So Zang can be one of the bodies to be in the bite of what we could share, with ingrediente al dente beautiful as a dinner alarm?
I must ask, is the "my" the baby's possesive or an anticipating sibling's?
The "walk"/knock" almost had catchiness of same line rhyme!
There's a spin of pronouns from that verse to the next that makes me think you're supposing the sex of the child for the story, no genuine gender, but either can have muscle to follow!
There's exceeiveness to the line that got an automatic break for "earning." But, I hope the concept doesn't get shortened as I saw homey music not a cellphone even when maturity of childhood has come into autumn. A room or yard or pair moved through more than once can still bring lyrics of not feeling walled in. You don't have to reap by wandering steps.
But that's a ways off so "three year old" is really looked at, which you might have to trim too from not being wighed down by line breacks. This set also seems more humorous than previous lines, in the second half, and doesn't stripe in as well, despite the strip on "over and over" intention of first readings as subject. If you edit to keep this, I'd look for a reeemphasis of some sort to be said so it doesn't come across repetious as to be boring parentally.
My least favorite is the "help"/"kelp" speeded joke, as there are issues of tiny snails to slow down for to make sure one understands ingestion worries or concern for beyond just soaking that off since the hydrated plant is more digestible... if not introduced too soon though to begin with. Thus, if phraseology, is too hard to fix, you can have us concentrate on something more obvious so it's not just filling quota for length but done quite well. I know I know, but feel the hint this might not express enough for others like the rest of your piece does.
The "slap on the hand" seems unruly in ways to learn "math" as a tool of education, unless after the ha0ha earlier you're showing how things don't add up, you interrupt the point... to bring more fingers for summing or numbering things so to speak. But also, I could've gotten a wrong mood over it, when it might've been you wishing enthusiasm like when it is hit on the leg though... similar to splashing in your rhyming later and how even that has an equation to be ok! The "A-plus off Mother's answer" has a sweet ring if it has range of exploration, but I don't want extra put to these meters that are with automatic breaks, again. Would rephrasing make it pretty as your fun that ends this area of the read?
The chronology of "eight" being an anniversay for the deciduous or "milk" teeth to fall out would be a "long time ago" for nurser reference and especially if quit prior to seven, which is waited to be done in some countries. But, even recommended immune system advantage set younger after 4m there is the timely double benefit with a 'recollection of latching' that could begin to be activated at that age. So, "moment memories" would still be gone to! Darling. Other details to be taken developmentally were implied from there... yet with automatic break without abbreviation per se.
The last main stanza had an interesting terrain of teaching put forth with "hill up to high school years" with "watched" finding the challenge with a "home class" with new chapters among "Hopefully, it won't be splotched" as it can get scary if correct is not climbing very straight and more than a teardrop could fall or spit would go by blackened knees,
Having perceptions cautioned, I think your original ending adds a weight for us to wait from leaping to conclusions.
I hope my exhaustion isn't all that came through from trying to make this comment three times already because of slips in clicks and technical errors. But, I hope to be bright-eyed with fixed facilities and faculties when I look again for judging.
You should be aware, to only show response by working on your write or writing something more in author's notes for me.
I am touched by the parenting pondering you did, with language part of the flourishing.
I am not quite finished unless you are here --,
Mamma, who wants to be a fair judge -
this is impressive -- full of beauty and personality.
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