DEATH ALLEY
(PART I)
So dark and dormant in the midnight
Like in graveyard,
Time is passing
And angels are roaming on sky,
Peoples are in their beds
Pets are tired
But,
Looks like a voice is coming,
From somewhere far,
A girl is trying to sleep
But, she can’t
The voice is disturbing her,
Like every time once in month,
She waits but voice doesn’t stop,
She decides to find the reason
Slowly she rises up from her bed,
And starts to chase the voice,
Gradually the voice is increasing,
Strings of sweat can be seen on her face,
Also she’s shivering
An unknown fear
Around her
Doesn’t she know?
What is to happen?
She reaches so near to her destination,
Motion of her,
Becoming slower and slower
Beating of heart,
Increasing more and more
Strings of sweat,
And Tip! Tip! Of it
Suddenly, heavy wave of wind
Gushes so rapidly
She scared and lamp fallen
She again moved to go forward
Step by step
And she reached,
A boy was there
In white death dress,
A song of pain and sadness
He was singing,
But sobbing along
Lifted his face and saw her
And he has stopped to sing
Still is crying
But in a lower voice than before
Girl is so nervous
Finally she asks
Who are you?
Why are you crying?
Are you the one?
That comes once in month
If you are that one
Your voice disturbs me
I?
Yah! It’s me
A broken heart, full of pain
Every time once in month
When moon appears full,
I come from heaven
For crying and to mourn
'But why?' She asks
Why do you ask?
I wanna know
Please, don’t ask
But I insist you to tell
This world is cruel and selfish
And no one is good here
If there are so they feel fear
Did some one cheat you?
The heart and who else can
Didn’t that heart feel guilty?
Yeh! It felt
But then,
When my soul had taken to sky
See this bunch of flowers!
With full of thorns
But flowers always has thorns with them
And happiness has sadness along
Ohhhh! Naaa! I have to go
I’ll come next time
And I’ll tell you more
But remember,
Never trust on any one
On you?
Yes, too.
By A Ghani Shahzaib
The poet of hearts and beautiful words
The one who lives in hearts
Friend for friends
Author notes
option - 1
well its my second poetic drama and its the first part of it till now i have written two parts of my this second poetic drama
first it waa the life alley and now the death alley i got great response on life alley which couraged me to write death alley and i'm hope ful tht you people will like death alley more than life alley
In a list
- XxAcidicBruisesAndShatteredSoulsxX group list • next in list
A contest entry
- DARK/FANTASY Pic: "Crystal Night" by Rinoasis.
700 points, ended January 29, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewritten contest for all by serenity silvermoon.
490 points, ended January 30, 90 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Dark Goddess by BeachBum1.
564 points, ended May 19, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
do you like it?
Comments
1 - 47 of 47
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You said a great truth in this one, dear friend. Happiness and sadness are like twins, always together. But, our heart will know to whom it may trust.
Well done!
Nela
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such sadness fills this world and you have created an awesome tale. so vivid and touching. well penned.
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Here's the long delayed comments I owe you!
I really like this, after reading it I can see that you set a good exposition. I especially like the building suspense in the beginning and the descriptions that go with it. Good foreshadowing. -
ahh...I get it now
Thank you for entering this as well it explains number 3 so much more clearly I am on your wave length now. your work is truely epic I can't believe you can tell such stories through your words thank you for entering good luck -
Great Work
dude how do you think of this shit man this is awesome i love it i wish i could write just like you, but most my shit is crap and pretty much sucks
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I did like this very much it was very well written. It held my attention from first to last. It said a great deal about how things for love are or so that is what I got out of it. Thank you for sharing
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beautiful amazing work i loved it it cought my attenchon all so much great work and keep it up i am in true amazement great work i will be reading the rest thnx for writeing and allowing others to read -bows- great work-
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Well I thought I should start from begining, and upon reading this first part, I too am wondering if this has anything to do with a girls hormone cycles. For the metaphors here would suggest that. I understand that english is not your native language, so here I think you have done a great job in expressing yourself. There are some grammar issues, but I am not going to get into that here, as others here have mentoned it to you, so just reread their comments. You've done well here and thanks for alerting me to this poem, it was a pleasure to read.
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Trekkergirl took the words out of my mouth I couldn't have said it better . A very interisting write. A ghost that comes to visit only on the full moon. I f it had been a boy the ghost was visiting, I would have left it at that. But due to the fact that it is a girl and the visits only happen in the cycle of the full Moon... I wonder if this is not a cryptic metaphor for the crazy hormones of her menstral cycle? Heheh Just a thought
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NICE BACK GROUND SCROLL REALLY FAST
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. -
I really liked this poem, it was very intense and sad.It definitly kept your attention through out the entire piece. great work and I hope to see more soon!
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this poem was sad i hope this is not a true poem in my case it is i have seen so many things and i have wrote about it all its a terrable thing to see things that others can not it haunts you in your sleep and every thing else thanks for sharing
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Awesome write! Keep up the great work and thanks so much for sharing it here with us!
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fantastic write
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sweet write. love the drama. everything is so decriptive. definatly reading part 2 now........nice write, so cool. beautiful words, friend
Shannon
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Very nice write. Very powerful. In some places the lines seemed to be missing a word. In some cases it works in some it doesn't. Then again like trekkergirl said, If English isn't your native language this is fabulous. It may not be perfect but its beautiful. Your writing proves your screenname.
Nicely penned
Kat
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I LOVE THE DARKNESS OF THIS AND NEVER QUIT DOING WHAT YOU LOVE...NO MATTER IF AP NEVER HOLDS YOU DOWN..MATTER OF FACT OF YOU EVER FEEL NEGLECTED AND NEED A INSPIRATION OR A READER TO BOOST YOU UP IF YOUR EVER DOWN..LOOK TO ME-- US POET'S GOTTA STICK TOGETHA YA KNOW..
now to the poem as i said the darkness of it was great
So dark and silent in the midnight
Like in graveyard
Time is passing
And angels are rooming on sky
Peoples are in their beds
Pets are tired
But,
What a great way to open your piece...
at some parts of this poem i would have broken this up into stanzas just for distinction in certain areas
But this is your work and i will never try to push on you what you want you masterpiece to look like just offer suggestions for thought and hopefully you can take them and grow from.
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First off let me say that I believe English not to be your native language and if this is truly the case then let me say that I truly respect you. For it is very hard to write well in ones own language yet to do so in another is great!
I do suggest that you break your write up into stanza's. For one thing it makes a poem/story so much easier to read. And also, it can help keep a person from being afraid of a long read. You poems scared me something terrible at first simply because it was so long. I tend to get really bored reading long poems/stories. My attention span can be very lacking.
Also, in your poem there are some places that just doesn't sound correct to me. This could be wording, tenses or even spelling issues.
All in all though your poem is well written and a good read. Thanks for sharing this with us. -
This was good! There was some grammar that wasn't too correct, but for some reason it made it even better in effect! This poem was different, the description was good and in all very interesting!
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The introductory 6 lines are great, I love them. They were very intriguing and just pulled me in. Everytime I read the word voice though, I feel like there should be the word 'the' before it because as it stands it's not grammatically correct. The description is pretty nicely done, so excellent job on that part, and your word choice was good as well! After reading the whole poem I found this though, there were often little words like 'the' 'a' and other such things that you had left out, and punctuation could greatly help your flow. Overall though, I really liked it. The idea seemed original and I liked all the little quirks intertwined with the ideas.
Excellent job on this, I'm really glad you took the time to write it and that I took the time to read it. I'm sorry if anything in my comment seems harsh, I just feel that if you fixed those little things this could be an amazing poem. Thank-you so much for entering my contest. I wish you well when I judge.
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a story of passion told with passion
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instresting and deep
liked the storyline, a sad tone.
i liked the structure to your piece, unique. and i could "hear" an accent as i read, which was a good effect to the piece.
thanks for sharing, great write my friend!
♥ Someone
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great poem!
~skitz -
i think this is a really good poem it's really deep and well thought ou
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"Time is passing
And angels are rooming on sky" is my favorite part i really liked this poem because its dark and sad great write
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it was like watching a scene in a movie evolve. A wonderful write hun!
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Wonderful
Thats something very good and i really appreciate your effort!!I will even read your Life alley soon!!
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i enjoyed this read
I think you did a great job holding the attention of the reader... it built up suspense and you used great flow of words. I think it was emotional and well written. Good job...
Good luck in the contest.
Dragonfly40
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Nice
nice write...thought provoking...impressive... -
Impressive stuff!!!
To cross over into another language, take it as your own, and create art with it is commendable on its own. But you have here a drama, laid out in verse, with a vocabulary more extensive than many a native, with imagery, and pathos, and didactic ramifications.
Simply a great narrative. Not a simple write by any stretch!
Regards
John-Las Vegas, Nevada USA
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Dang, this is dang, you know this is good, you did something great keep it flowing and good luck in the contest i will be looking for part two
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You really built up the suspense in this one.
It was so descriptive with really great imagery.
Some of your phrasing was difficult to follow, but
I was able to follow it. I can't wait to find out what happens, next time. -
i think you did great it kinda lost me for a second but then i caught up and i understood what you were talking about well keep writing and great job
love to hate
kadi
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What a great write
these long poems for the part most times tend to trail off and looose there message, this one on the other hand work from beganning to end. I know from the few long poems I have written it is hard to keep a poem from wondering off on ya, I like this a lot strong and draws one in..................joe
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awsome possom!! this poem just kciked my ass!!its amazing!!
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if you read life alley then you will find tht fairy was just you
promise
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Excellent poem. I really like how it tells a story. Thats one of my favorite types of poem. I write that kind but a lot shorter in length. Very good write.
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strong story line here. It does keep ones attention despite the length of the piece. It is full of imagery and depicts the events ever so clearly. Well done and best of luck to you.
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This was deep with thoughts and emotions. I thought at first it was the angel of death coming for her. Is it the angel of broken hearts? Crying out to all who will fall in love and telling them it is still ok to love, we must always keep it in our hearts. Though it was lengthy it still held my attention from the title to the last word. Keep up the wonderful work and thank you for sharing with all of us. I wish you the very best in the contest. Love and God bless, Joyce
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well done
i think this is really good, it's quite long but never boring, good imagery too.yes you've done a good job here, well done and good luck in the contest,
floorboards.
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Excellent and mysterious write. So full of emotions. Keep up the wonderful writing
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Very good, now I need to go back and read life alley.
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great job
this is a good part 1 of it i like it very much yeaa i get a good sense on life too so its all good very very good job
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Each reader sees different things in these lines, and if we were writing we would change this and that, but it is your poem and you wrote it as you wanted to. Unless there are blatant spelling errors or lines that do not make sense, leave as is. Some lines are not written the way English is usually written (never trust on anyone - better - never trust anyone), but it is understandable just the same. You are on a roll after the first one, comes this second one. Keep writing.
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I like this its very good , Storm
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This is quite a good story being told. It satisfies all the senses. Nicely written with beautiful and vivid imagery. Well done dear poet. Good luck in the contest.
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Hello Oldcoasty2,
I see you enjoy telling a good story. I find narrative poems like this easiest and most satisfying when written in a traditional format. Not necessarily rhyme but in measure and stanza. This frees the reader to enjoy the story without having to adjust speed and emphasis as one does in free verse.
There are basic grammar bugs in the piece but without correction consider how it would read if formatted:
So dark and silent in the midnight
Like in graveyard, time is passing
And angels are rooming on sky
Peoples are in their beds, pets are tired.
But, looking like some voice is coming
From some where so far, a girl is trying to sleep
But she can’t . Voice is disturbing her
Like every time once in month, she waits
But voice doesn’t stop
She decides to find the reason
Slowly she gets up from her bed
And starts to chase the voice
Gradually voice is increasing
Strings of sweat can be seen on her face
Also she’s shivering, an unknown fear
Around her. Doesn't she know?
etc
just a thought,
df
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