Here where snow barely cools
down sides of house,
I am grateful not to be
where ice cracks like shotgun
on birdless hard North, and huddling
in eaves like last cold
breath of a late-leaving bird.
She was caught, like I was,
taking care of a few loose branches,
looking longingly at an abandoned nest.
You sung of greener grass, tempted me,
to turn my head south to stacked wood
up to roof and a promised warm fire.
“Woods are woods,” you said,
forgetting that over my mountains
came purest light I have ever known.
I tested air, and found your blanket
of care and caution to be enough,
so allowed you to guide me, half-frozen,
from tundra that would have tested
more of me than any deceptive fire
could have. These bones were used
to shrinking lakeshores.
Here, rather than counting broken twigs,
I count years like blessings,
weave them into fine rugs
while starlight plays on silent woods
and owls knead the piney forest
with their questions and quest
for small unbedded little things.
Fire leaps up and paints new poems
on walls and all is well,
not wonderful nor wishful, but real.
Logs cackle that dreams adjust
to new temperatures and eaves
belong to words woven
with small stray branches.
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I liked this, especially the rural quality of the imagery, but there were many small details that should be addressed.
The opening four lines sounded almost like you were personifying house and shotgun. "cracks like a shotgun" is what I would suggest.
"breath of an late-leaving small bird." I think "a" would work better with this line, "an" is really more appropriate when you're coming into a soft vowel or syllable, like "an angel". I think "small" could go as well, it didn't seem to add much there and it, along with little, come up again in this piece.
It was little things such as that that made me stop, go back, and then start over again, which was really a shame because there was a lot of nice alliteration throughout and it was easy on the tongue. -
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First of all, this is the first time I have ever seen your name, and thank you for visiting to comment.
I want you to know I use allpoetry as the first place to get down a poem. It goes through a great many “washings” before it ever hits a binder, then from the binder it goes to a collection, the collection is then published, if it is ready. I appreciate any comments I can get on my poetry so I can look at it again while it is still in the “to do” folder. This will eventually end up in my collection that speaks to my life in a fly-in isolated community up by the barren land…the hardest places I have ever lived and worked.
I have written about “here” being the place I left…I no longer have to live up by the tundra where this happened. I am grateful not to be living there any more….”she was caught, like I was”…follows up on that…as does “…tempted me to turn my head south…” I was up there to find my family on my birth father’s side…”taking care of loose branches…”
“an” is a typo, of course…English major…bad fingers… thank you for the reminder…I do know the way too use it.
:small” refers to my not being important there…I could leave as well as she…. I will reconsider it.
Do not feel that I shamed my poem, as I said, ap is merely a place to get them down the first time, nothing more….they have five or six more times through before I ever would consider anything professionally done.
Thank you for your comments and visit. Perhaps you might find some of my real poetry interesting. There is a link.
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"Here, rather than counting broken twigs,
I count years like blessings,
weave them into fine rugs
while starlight plays on silent woods"
This is so elegant a penning, my Sister...A little wistful, but accepting of Life's inherent gifts...& understanding just how very precious these moments are...Beautifully done, my Friend...Good luck in the contest...
Wanda
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