My little younger brother cried
On the day that daddy died
We told him "daddy went away"
But he knew death, and knew decay
Still he was too young to know
Where this meant we had to go
Out into the countryside
To live with Daddy's former bride
As we came around the hill
I saw the house, and felt a chill
Mommy lived alone out here
For three quarters of the year
In this place, around the marsh
The winters can get very harsh
When icy winds traverse the plains
It freezes blood within the veins
And so we crept inside the place
A somber look on Mommy's face
As she hugged me on her knee
Crying as she looked at me
My mom ignores my brother's tears
And strokes my hair behind my ears
She never liked my brother much
Me, she always liked to touch
Since it's late, we have to sleep
So up the spiral stairs we creep
My brother shared the bed with me
I made him promise not to pee
The bedroom two floors off the ground
Silence is the only sound
I always used to hate this bed
Because the attic's overhead
Something haunts the attic here
The air is filled with foggy fear
It's chilly heat, that drifts and blows
Clouds of wrongness in your nose
When I was only 4 years old
I remember I was told
"Never climb the attic stairs"
With gritted teeth and evil glares
Staring at the wooden ceiling
There's that odd and nagging feeling
That something odd is watching me
And then my eyes begin to see...
It blends in with the wood quite well
But if you saw it, you could tell
A knot of wood, that's black as coal
Is really just a tiny hole
The house was built up very tall
There's a space where one could crawl
A single person, maybe more
Could fit above the ceiling's floor
And then- as to confirm my fears
A tiny little eye appears
In the hole within the wood
I stayed still as best I could
And as the eye enjoys it's peek
The ceiling gives a little creak
Bending down, then going straight
Something up there shifting weight
The pupil changes, getting wide
Darting back from side to side
It looks away from me-- instead,
It looks upon my brother's head
Above us, in the ceiling's floor
A scratching sound I can't ignore
The sound of wood on fingertip
Something up there starts to drip
A droplet hits me on the nose
Down my cheek, it quickly goes
It could be blood, perhaps a tear
The eye above insists to peer
Slowly now, I turn in bed
Keeping one eye overhead
The other looking to the right
Staring at the hallway light
The light peeks underneath the door
A blade of gold across the floor
In the dark, a streak of sun
I think that I should try to run
I prop up pillows in the bed
And pull the blanket to my head
I leave the bed, and touch the wall
Crack the door, and reach the hall
Down the stairs, to mommy's bed
She'll know what to do instead
I wake her up, and simply say
"Make the monster go away"
Her eyes go wide she pulls me in
Her shoulder underneath my chin
She then turns on her bedside light
and says to sleep with her tonight
Before we went to sleep I knew
She had to get my brother too
She gave a sigh, and left the room
To get my brother, I assume
I lay in bed for far too long
Thinking something must be wrong
I creep back to the second floor
my brother's not there anymore
I look upon the empty bed
A little thought goes through my head
I go to that forbidden place
And climb into the attic space
Pushing through the misty air
Deep within the monster's lair
Slowly they came into view
My mommy, and my brother too
I see their backs, where they both stand
She holds his little trusting hand
I guess that she had brought him here
To show him that he shouldn't fear
Something shook beneath their feet
The floorboards all began to beat
My brother now let out a screech
And tried to run from mommy's reach
But mommy held him by the wrist
"Quiet now", she gently hissed
Mommy stood there, always still
Again I felt that icy chill
He looks to her with shaky eyes,
getting redder as he cries.
I took a step, and hid myself
Behind an old and dusty shelf
Something ripped apart and tore
It's way up through the attic floor
My brother screamed a deathly cry
As it looked him in the eye
My mommy let my brother go
Then she stepped back very slow
I couldn't watch, I had to leave
I didn't know what to believe
I go back down to mommy's bed
Block the screams out in my head
Hide the tears, and the despair
Pretend like i've been sleeping there
Mommy comes down later on
And tells me that the monster's gone
Holds me close, all through the night
"Everything will be alright."
Author notes
I've been slowly working on this idea for close to a year now... it may not show... but this story went through quite an evolution to reach where it is now.. I hope you enjoy.
A contest entry
- Terrify me..... by SignifyingNothing.
750 points, ended March 14, 2008, 21 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Simple Fun by CanadianGirl1.
300 points, ended April 14, 2008, 22 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Impress The Doctor of Halloween and Horrors! by FinalWhisper.
1300 points, ended November 6, 34 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I know it's long guys... but thanks so much for reading if you did.. if you jumped to the bottom to check how long it was and got scared... fuck off :P.
Comments
1 - 41 of 41
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That kept my attention the whole way through!!!
I love that eye discription.
Keep at it and trust me, keeping my attention is quite the feat!
and nice flow! Very impressive!
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Did it eat the brother? Is she next? The attic is always a scary place. Good choice of places. I like how you had it come up through the floor.
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got chills running up and down my spine, i've never read anything thats had that affect on me, whoo.
well done, thank you for sharing.
♥ andi.
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*chill*
whew... that was scary. It's not the same one that I read three years ago but I am glad that you sent this to me. The other one had a brief reference to a demon in the attic; but this was in-depth and very chilling. It has a nice build-up in a poetic story form. I was pulled in and enthralled to the end. I can see why it won trophies. It made me think more about my own "demon in the attic," so to speak.
I just had that dream again within the last few weeks. Today, I was wondering if it is my fear of death and/or being swallowed up by something seemingly sinister and ugly. When I was three years old I had a series of demon dreams that were very terrifying, after my mother and father split up. In many ways I felt sacrificed by her, much like the little brother is in your poem.
It is difficult for me to acknowledge my own mother's role in my being sacrificed to the monster/demon - but I think this is an aspect of the entire scenario that your poem makes me think of. Wow - it's something to chew on.
I can't help but realize that this is something that I must come to terms with in my life - that I haven't faced or digested yet; and it is very terrifying, to say the least.
Your poem gave me the sense of some of the feelings I have in my dreams of this demon; being watched, things shaking, a fear of being swallowed alive, the cold darkness, etc.
Thank you for sharing this. Your ending had quite an unexpected twist~ I am inspired to write a poem about my dreams; which I never really have in depth; only just a little in short poems and more so in an autobiography I have been working on.
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Woah. You creeped me out which says a lot because that's extremely hard to do. As for this poem, it's perfect. No rhythm or rhyme mistakes, nothing seems forced, everything flows exactly the way a poem should. Being a rhymer myself, I know how hard that is to do. You didn't compromise the content for the rhyme at all. The story itself was so wonderfully creepy, and the manner in which it was penned made it a very enjoyable read. Awesome job!
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Jesus shit! This is scarier than most horror flicks
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quite frightening
not just the story, but your talent frightens me,
i could not write a story like this, never mind have the means to make it rhyme,
quite amazing.
thank you!
alex -
you, sir, are the next E.A. Poe.
this is darker than anything he could have written. frightened me to death. i love it. -
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I take even a passing reference to Poe as the highest possible praise for my poems like this... thank you so much!
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I LOVE YOUR WRITES
This like Tattoo Parlor and Parasite is AWESOME I love longer poems (especially if they're done well) and this is beyond well...this could easily surpass some of the horror movies I've seen, in fact I'd love to see this in movie form...even though I kinda did as I read it
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WOW
Thats really scary, as a definitely paranoid person who has to close the closet "for safety reasons" before going to sleep, I was terrified. I can't help but feel its a shame that I'm home alone today. It might be long, but it was TOTAlly worth every word, I'm glad I didn't read it in the middle of the night though. The thing I liked best was how without saying too much I was able to see it all play out, and the style of writing made it all seem to happen quickly like the scary moment in movies when your heart starts racing. Fun.
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Normally I'd be distracted before I could read something this long but it sucked me in. Great poem.
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your rhyming is very clever. good luck
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Good job. I like this alot. It's very sad, but very well written. Keep up the good work.
Anaiya Illyria -
Great story you have here...scared me!
Think this would be a good bedtime read for all those kiddies out there! lol
Would be a great story for...Tails of the Crypt!!
Shocking ending! -
awsome!! wow! I mean..... I never saw that coming! I didn't think it was too long at all, it kept my interest until the very end. Great job!
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Holy Crap!!! That was totally unexpected... I love this and quite honestly had to read it a few times before I decided to finally comment... You've done very well with this, and I thank you very much for your entry. Exactly what I wanted
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Wow
This is unbelievable. First, the rhyme was perfect. I absolutely loved how you styled it. It is such a pleasure to read such perfect rhyme when so many of the poetry I've read has it forced.
Second, you captured the mood so well. I felt like a child, reading this, hiding in my room seeing monsters. Only this time the monster is real. Is it a person, or a creature? I have the feeling its a creature, and the mother is actually feeding her son to it. Incredibly creepy and disturbing, and so much a cut above. Excellent, excellent, excellent in every detail. This is a classic horror poem, and exactly the type of thing I was hoping for when I started this contest.
Kudos to you. Thank you for entering. -
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Thanks for reading... it's a long and demanding piece... and thank you very much for the trophy. Your kind words kinda make me wanna go back to writing horror
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Very well worth reading. I was hooked from the first stanza.
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Amazing. This kept me hooked all the way through the poem. Amazing, great rhyming scheme. Didn't seem forced and definately showed that you put loads of effort into the poem. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!
xox makeshift romance -
Waiting in the desert!
Amazing.. It leaves me with deep anticipation as to what will happen next.. what exactly happened in the attic, and why would a mother leave her child there. I'll wait with a thirsty mind for the continuation of this! -
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Hehe oh there is no continuation ... I left it vague on purpose... Originally, the ending was to have the son laying in bed and listening to the sound his brother being eaten by the thing beneath the attic floor... I like this ending because it's more subtle and sinister.
Thanks for reading
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*dies* aweeeeeeeee It definitely leaves me wanting me more. Wonderfully done.. it would make a wonderful short story too. Or even a novel at some point. An expansion upon the poem. Stephen King like, understand what I mean?
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The first stanza is awesome!! It freezes blood within the veins, I love that, there's so much imagery to me. I made him promise not to pee, I like this line too, I think it adds humor to the poem. Something up there starts to drip, i'd freak. lol. This is awesome! i love the way the mom did that, it's so , I dunno like wow! good job!
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"When icy winds traverse the plains
It freezes blood within the veins"
"The light peeks underneath the door
A blade of gold across the floor"
What great images... I enjoyed those lines the most... very nice set you have here.
This work is the closest any poem has come to scaring me, ever. (And that is saying something since I am a great fan of Poe.)
The language is really quite ordinary, and typically I would feel that held the work back, but it works very nicely for you here.
I don't know how anyone could skip to the end. This captured my interest right away and held it all the way through the entire story, which I thought was fantastically portrayed. Probably the best I will read tonight.
Breakdown:
Image: 9.9/10
Emotion: 8/10
Rhyme and flow: 9.8/10
Cohesion: 9.9/10
Message: 9/10
TAC: 0
Overall: 9.3/10 - fucking terrific.
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I loved it. Wow, I have chills. I am adding you to my favs!!!
Katie (scared of a monster now, lol)
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"I made him promise not to pee" i like that part its funny!!! I like the poem alot its more a story but really good!!!
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Hehe that's the only real "tension breaker" line in the whole piece... and normally my poems are riddled with them... Also it reminds you of how young both the narrator and the younger brother are... thanks for reading!
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very long, but well worth reading! i loved every part of this, especially the last stanza; it finishes it off really well. the rhyme is constant and works well; congrats on a great piece
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Great poem...it does give the reader a scare. I like the rhyme scheme...I've alwasy found it hard to rhyme, so kudos to achieving it, heh. Long, but it keeps the reader til the end. Some parts could be cut off though. Just a suggestion, you don't have to do it! The poem is great as is.
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Thanks for reading and commenting... but I dunno if I could slice it down any further... It was already supposed to be even longer... this is the short version
. Thanks though!
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Wow!
This is an awesome poem... the rhyme and story just catches and send you on a ride through each stanza. I love it and will read again and again...
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oh my.
that was very...well it was a very good horror story i have to admit. -
This is the Shiznit
Wow, this rocks. I'm bookmarking this. The rhyme scheme is impeccable and the storyline is thrilling and enthralling. I also happen to like your name as it is my own nickname in real life. There's nothing about this poem I didn't like. Triple Clap (wish it could be more) for you.
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Hrm...
It was very long...But it kept my attention, and it was really good. Great job. I like it a lot. Keep writing!
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Wow.
This was an amazing write. It kept me reading, and because of the stanza structure, I had to read slow to feel the rhyme. The intensity makes you want to read quicker and quicker to find out what will happen, but you can't! I think this is a genius piece of work. You should really carry your work farther if you already haven't. Amazing, amazing story. My best of wishes. -Crysy
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INTENSE!!!
omg! Normally I would just jump to the bottom to see how long it was, but I was hooked. I seemed to be addicted to every single word! It was almost like an old horror story. I loved it. Each word I read, I only craved more. I wanted to know what happened next. The suspense was just so intense. omg! I can't even describe how much the poem effected me. What an evil mother! Did she just let the kid die there?! My mouth just about dropped when I kept reading and the mom came back like nothing happened. I don't know if I fully understood everything. Was the mom the monster the whole time? Or was the mom working with the monster to get rid of her hated son? Either way, the plot and suspense was awesome! I loved it beginning to end. Keep it up! Best wishes
~jessica
P.S- I added you to my favorites. I hope I can read more.
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Wow
Wow thanks so much... I dunno, the way that I thought of it was that the mother offered up the less loved son to the monster between the floors as a way of killing two birds with one stone... She satisfies the monster annnnd gets rid of the son she doesn't like. It's hinted that she knows something about the thing beneath the floor because of the memory of her telling the narrator not to climb the attic stairs.
I also thought about heavily hinting at a potentially incestuous and even MORE abusive streak with the mother ... but toned it down for the final write here. You can see that some of the original vibes still remain though.
Thank you SO much for that long and awesome comment though, it's exactly what I needed ... thanks for taking the time to read... and thanks for adding me to your favorites!
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WOW!!!
Great job...
I really enjoyed reading this piece...each line drags you deepers into the text until you feel as if you are actually there. I can see why it took you a year to write...but believe me it was worth it
I particularly liked the lines
"Something ripped apart and tore
It's way up through the attic floor
My brother screamed a deathly cry
As it looked him in the eye"
I believe that they pretty much make it, they really express the fear in this piece... it actually gave me goosebumps.
All in all great write
Keep Up The Good Work
Beck
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WOW
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