Death’s Call
Death came for me on saturnine wings
borne on a rush of hostile lungs
the untimely reaper of my soul
and spoke to me in solemn tongues.
He touched my face with lingering will
my slumber roused with fervent stand
his taloned finger beckoned to me
as time ran out in wasting sand.
To feel his heartbeat within my chest
that fevered throb so much like mine
in a piercing stab of eager pain
abruptly life and death combine.
Death placed a kiss on perishing lips
with the acid bite of sour wine
and o’er his shoulder elysian fields
as breath expired I crossed the line
Author notes
I chose option 1. Death
A contest entry
- 1000 points: The Grim Reaper by Lj-.
1000 points, ended February 2, 2007, 23 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Raven Qualifier - Dark: Anger, Angst and Goth by Raven Contest.
450 points, ended August 1, 2007, 124 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre-Write Haven for SILVERS only by Namita.
300 points, ended July 22, 2007, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Personification Contest by SensualWhispers.
300 points, ended August 7, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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A lovers tale
I that me saying this sounded like a lovers tale sounds funny but sometimes relationships can be completely death like. You've done a wonderful job and I have to say I am glad you let me read this. Thanks for entering the contest and the best of luck to you. Kassie -
A very dark account of death. Most of the people are too scared to touch a subject as this. The adjectives you have used lend a strange mystery.. and dark beauty to the work. Words such as "saturnine", "taloned", "acid bite" provide a fantastic imagery. It's almost like I could see all of it happen. Great write.
The second stanza starts with a small h.. which could be replaced by a capital H... See if you like it that way. Apart from this, the following phrase is really dark and scary, much more intense than the rest of the poem.. and thus suffices as a fitting end.
"Death placed a kiss on perishing lips
with the acid bite of sour wine"
The rhyme scheme , abcb ...is excellently chosen... subtle.. but still, very rhythmic... very musical.. very dark.
Thanks for entering the Raven Qualifier and Good Luck! -
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Thankyou
That small H was an oversight, thankyou for pointing it out. Val
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Wow, this was truly wonderful. I loved everything about it.
Thank you for your entry,
Good luck!!! -
This is a very powerful image of death and so well written.
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and o’er his shoulder elysian fields
as breath expired I crossed the line
true words and true picture of the subject...the subject you have chosen is so rare and shows your individual touch ..you are different and then you begin your words in so much definate terms..again you are different and making a poem with your ownness and then the treatment of the every line and the content tells the story of your universal attempt making you a successful poet here ..I congrtatulate to write this very deep poem...thanks..
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Man, everyone sees to be in this this is a great peom and it is something that i think offers a new veiw of death. keep it flowing and good luck in the contest
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Superb
A very unique depiction of death. I adored this write. I love the word choice. (I have a thing for big or uncommon word use) "saturnine wings" <~~ that alone speaks volumes. Congrats on a job well done.
~MotherMachineGunn~ -
hey this is really good and a bit down but it had a great impact when i read it cool poem
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hey this is really good and a bit down but it had a great impact when i read it cool poem
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Awsome, i really loved the way your words just chilled me to the bone. Great job and good luck in the contest.
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Oh yeah, this is pretty creepy! It actually gave me chills. Your vocabulary enhances the poem so much! It's amazing. The imagery is sharp and strong. The title is peeeerfect. I ove it. My only suggestion is that you should be consistent with your punctuation throughout the entire thing. You need a period at the end of the poem. You could also use a few commas, but with poetry, it's creative so you don't REALLY have to if you don't want. I guess that's just because I am an English teacher, though. hehehe. Great write! Keep it up!
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Hmmmmm
This is a dramatic poem filled with very graphic visions for me. I particularly liked your last line. Great read!
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