Ashes fall about me as I stare into the red-lit sky,
I feel the heat... the little flecks are pin-pricks on my bared flesh.
The fires have ceased to flicker, now it's all just just a colorless mass of dust.
The fury of the elements burnt my dream to the ground.
The ideas of sorrow and rage lit the city of my passions aflame,
And so I watched it crumble -
The statues turned to dust...
I allowed for the abeyance of my deepest wishes for a time...
But in circular motion all things return.
The filaments of plants break through the dust,
The smoggy air turns transparent again,
The waters that were choked and grey settle and become crystalline.
And the ashes... the ashes clump into coal,
I lean down and touch them,
Take them in my hands,
And I grip it, feeling the nature of the carbon.
I know that if I squeeze long and hard enough, the coal, a symbol of my sorrows
will become a diamond that new hope may shine.
Author notes
Choice 3
A contest entry
- Choices by g r e y i s m.
525 points, ended February 17, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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In the first line, "a" should be "I". Also, instead of using a comma at the end of the first line, I think a period would work better. I also think the ellipses are a little overused in this piece. For example, in the second line where you have used one, I think a semi colon would work better.
I think some of the words were used well, some in my opinion could have been used better. For example, the line "I allowed for the abeyance of my deepest wishes for a time..." seems a bit out of place within the piece, like it was just thrown in there so that you could use the word, and as if you weren't confident in your use of the word.
I do not mean to be overly critical, these are just my impressions as I read. I think it was a good attempt, though the structure is a bit loose, and as I noted, there are issues with punctuation.
This isn't bad, but it could be better. Thanks for your entry,
Lea -
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Thank you for pointing out my typographical error. As for punctuation,in the way I write poetry punctuation is the last thing I think about if I think about it at all. It takes a back seat to image and emotion, right where it should be. (If my primary concern was technical I'd be writing MLA formatted essays, not poetry xD)
Also, that's a perfectly decent use of the word abeyance. =P I liked it there.
But, your contest, your taste. Thanks for reading. -
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well I disagree because punctuation does give the reader cues as to where to pause, start, stop, etc. any of the poets you see in books use punctuation correctly, for the most part, unless it's some deviation for the sake of an unusual form. also, I never said your use of abeyance was wrong in its context... I meant the entire line felt weird and out of place. but it's your piece and you may do what you want with it.
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I don't know about that. I read a lot of published poetry as well as amature, and the ones I remember aren't the ones with perfect punctuation. The classic poets didn't follow the rules of grammar either, so I've never understood what the modern push is to condemn writers for their disregard of the "rules." It's a development of the last few decades, and the change of culture from creative to restrictive. With developments of science and math resulting in rules, there's a push from the ruling side to hold the arts to rules as well. You can see this in everything from writing, to performance to visual arts. There's an overwhelming same-ness due to these new "rules." But I'm just rambling now xD Liberal Arts education is a frightening thing.
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actually I am a Liberal Arts major, set to graduate this semester. aside from that, we all have our own opinions. I believe in breaking rules (e.e. cummings is a good example of that) but I do not think it means we can just ignore what works and what doesn't. I can respect your view if you can respect mine.
I also never said punctuation needed to be perfect, but it should be decent. when I see ellipses being used profusely, it gives me the idea the writer is unsure of what to put in their place. that was the impression I had. I was only trying to help. if you don't agree, that's fine with me.
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Wow , i love this poem!
It flows faltlessly and i love the metaphor throughout the peice showing how things can get better, or go from dust to diamonds.
Inpiring and a brilliant write!
x.x
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