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You lose! (Dark)

 

 

 

He walks within darkness called "Hooded death"

a glow in those eyes and a chill on his breath.

Looking for the souls that are lost and afraid,

that gave a false faith to God or promises made.

With a laugh in his voice cutting all the ties,

to souls with heaven, bringing on your demise!

He's come to collect deals made with the devil,

starting your anguish in hell on a spirit level.

Taking your "Last breath" he sucks it out clean,

calling it an art, but it's his standard routine.

As your lungs begin to collapse he takes it all,

it's time now you go with me, I'm making my call.

Then he will move on to the next unfortunate soul,

that made a deal with ~death~ having all control.

In a quiet voice (Demanding) to hear his words,

believe me when I say; I'll stack you like herds.

This dark fog becomes heavy, so thick is the air,

laughing once more ...you're not going anywhere!

Know one thing sinners it's my job, I do it well,

you'll do what I say in this place called "Hell"

 

 

 

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • Disturbed Prodigy
    February 1, 2007

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    wow, this is amazing, you know there are a lot of versons of Death, but yours seems to me to be the darkest, a myth of what Death is, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest


  • Lj-
    January 31, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, I like the graphics a lot.


  • Haiku-bless-you silver member
    January 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Gives me the shivers

    This is a well written caricature of the Grim Reaper. Let the reader beware and do everything in their power to miss meeting this HAPPY worker on His terms. The Graphics, Words and special effects work well together giving this work a LIFE of its' own ! Need to check spelling on the last word in Line 3. You are telling this story in third person point of view but you go into making quotes without the quotation marks (Line 12). Just my opinion, good luck in the contest. Dennis

  • pruedence
    January 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    WOW, makes one not want to do anything wrong! Like a bad dream...spooky...hmm, I know theres a heaven so I suppose there is a HELL! Nice work, thanks for sharing


  • Mr Binky
    January 31, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Not to shabby. I love the back grim reaper on top. I personally dont like the 2 line flow thing on my own writing. Probly because I hate working with in boundries like that; and thats because im lazy. But it works in this poem quiet well. Good Job!


  • grannyeri gold member
    January 31, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Dark for sure, and what the presentation you havae created on this page - that makes so much of the excitement and darkness of the page, although th epoem could very well stand on its own - plenty of darkness there too. Great rhythm and rhyme, flow and message in these lines.

  • Lj-
    January 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I like this a lot. Your rhyming was good and I liked how you kept everything in one stanza.



    *There was a tiny mistake, line eighteen:

    "...you're not going nowhere!"

    It should be either:

    "...you're not going anywhere!"

    Or:

    "You're going nowhere!"



    I personally like the former of the two better.



    *My favorite lines were:

    "In a quiet voice (Demanding) to hear his words,
    believe me when I say "I'll stack you like herds".
    This dark fog becomes heavy, so thick is the air."


    Thank you for entering
    And
    Best of luck!

1 - 7 of 7