This beautiful strings of words woven in my song
The lovely notes that remind me of the birds
Chirping their way to immense joy
The lyrics that change from day to day
But still manage to make my heart warm
The whispers that no one else can hear
The beauty of my name on your lips
The Hush of the whispers even in pandemonium
And the sweetness of your voice
Drive me to an almost incorrigible utopia.
I will hang on
Listen to the song, Let the tune change
The notes change, The lyrics change
And my heart will always understand our language.
A contest entry
- If I gave you a box of crayons, would you color me happy? by Breezie.
450 points, ended May 14, 2008, 22 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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Wow, this is beautiful! This is how love should be! And what a great comparion/metaphor between music and love!!! I love the flow, it's natural yet not all over the place. Great command of the english language and grasp of emotion!! Great job and best of luck in the contest!
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very nice
Love is grand and when you find someone that shares the dream, it becomes more vivid! the Shaker
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I’m always a little dubious where to start with pieces of work that are listed as lyrics as without some notion of the music to which the words will be sung, it’s hard to get a complete and valued picture from what is in front of my eyes. Is it rock, country, ballad, soul? Perhaps some author notes would enlighten readers.
All that aside, this piece is entered into the Romance Category of this contest so I will look at it from that point of view and having taken into account the wording of the piece, I found it to be lacking something. This is possibly due to the fact there is no sense of musical rhythm within the piece. The image it created for me was of little birds singing in the trees somewhat like one of Disney’s creations, and though not a bad image, it certainly wasn’t of intense or passionate love. I personally thought it would be rather a remarkable song that would contain and carry off lines such as “The Hush of the whispers even in pandemonium / And the sweetness of your voice / Drive me to an almost incorrigible utopia.” Although the words are different, the lines “Listen to the song, Let the tune change / The notes change, The lyrics change” have a very repetitive feel about them when read to no musical accompaniment.
Grammar errors could be corrected in this piece to make it read better, for example, in line one, “This” should be ‘These’ “Hush could have the capital letter changed unless it’s there for emphasis, and “Drive” should be ‘drives’. “And my heart will always understand our language” is a fairly strong concluding line as love knows no boundaries.
Thank you for entering the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with your entry! Your work may also be viewed by other Raven judges.
Northern Raven
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you really know how to put your emotions and feelings into words... u got talent gal
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Just shoot me now and stuff me in a fucking tea cosy. I can understand why some may think me a bit of a bastard when I rip into something as warm and gentle and sweet as this. It is littered with clichés of “you complete me” type poetry all to the tune of chirping birds and a beating heart. It is the poetry equivalent of Novocaine and I have read just one poem and can’t feel my legs. And don’t get me wrong because I enjoy love, beauty and mother nature as much as the next guy. But I also love good writing that lifts the reader off the page and transports them to that special place that has more going for it than inertia.
David
And the sweetness of your voice drive me to an almost incorrigible utopia.
I must try that line out on the misses next time we have an argument.
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Love is always everchanging
Yet it always and simply remains the same. At least for those who are patient enough to sit and listen to the song it makes. Congratulations on a wonderful read.
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This is such a lovely poem. Written with such love and such pure feelings. It flowed so gently and almost sang to me as I read it. Well done for this beautiful write.
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I love how you used lyrics in this one. I can hear such melody o love existing in this imagery. The tune to never change as we dwell in love
What beautiful love
the melody its beauty
seems to sing everyday
must be that we are happy
together in its melody
in its beaut -
Very beautiful with meaning and feelings of love. I have to agree with -Ink Artist-, though. "Your flow is ever so slightly stilted, but doesn't detract from the power of your words." Thanks for entering and good luck.
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Interesting structure to your thoughts. Your feelings are strong and emotive. The flow is ever so slightly stilted but doesn't detract from the power of your words. Thanks for your entry and good luck!
~Lori
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Thanks
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Wow
I really like it. It was quite enjoyable. -
Very romantic, sometimes I got tangled up in the unexpected use of certain words, and the first word being "this" started me off in a bit of confusion, but the message comes through loud and clear. Best of luck.
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Thank you.
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Love does speak louder than words!!! Wow, excellent write! Beautifully worded and your emotions for the one you love has just spilled into your pen througout this one! So glad you posted for our group reading list! Thank you!!
Jasminerose
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Thanks a lot for your comment. I have never written a love poem before, this was a first. Glad you liked it!
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I liked this.
some of the words seemed too strong for it
but it blended in nicely after reading further.
this was well written.
nice job.
:]
|aiko|
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I loved your tender flowing words. It flowed like the sweet songs of birds. Your words were completely beautiful. Best of luck with the contest.
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thanks for the comment.
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Amazingly lyrical indeed.
I loved it. The title makes it sound like you're defining the words within the poem to be only yours, something unique that you can feel, see, etc. I really liked that. Haha. To think the title can say so much, too. ^_^ The lyrical sensation I got from reading just a few lines set my heart on fire with the aim to read the rest to a tune, and it really caught on. Very rhythmatic and has a good flow to it. Very great write.
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Thanks so much, a new style I was trying out but worked well. Am glad you liked it!
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wow
WOW!!
Thatwas such a melodious write! I love it, i think its among the best poems i read on ap till now!!
The emtoions were powerful and sincere and the imagery is totally breath-taking!!!
A FANTASTIC write, keep it flowing!!
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Thanks for your encouraging comment.Got to me
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