Watching- (Rondeau) by freespirit51 at All poetry

Watching, he sits, without motion

With eyes staring, no emotion.

Where trees of green are his disguise

Until he views a tasty prize.

Then strikes with preconceived notion.

Thrill of the hunt, the true potion,

Striking swift without commotion.

Ignorance led to its demise

Watching, he sits..

Witness now to its promotion

Soon suffers nature's demotion.

No one left to hear nature's cries

Now sitting there with watchful eyes.

With eyes staring, no emotion,

Watching, he sits..

Author notes

Rondeau form.

15 lines long consisting of 3 stanzas: a quintet, a quatrain, and a sestet.
Rhyme scheme: aabba aabR aabbaR lines 9 and 15 are short-a refrain(R) consisting of a phrase taken from line one. The other line are longer but the same metrical length.

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Please tell me what you think

Comments

1 - 9 of 9

By me, right now

Adding your comment:
raggyann
June 21, 2008
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this is a good one to think that is just how they are too
- freespirit51
  June 21, 2008
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  raggyann
  thank you again. I hope you continue to enjoy
Arkbear
February 12, 2007
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Good job ~

The Title is befitting ~

Loved the storyline and theme ~

Form was great, syllable count was good ~

Drew my attention in, but I don't think your 3rd stanza

was your best.......best of luck and it really is a great poem,

best of luck,

Bear ~
peperminty889
February 4, 2007
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i love the picture! birds are so pretty.
catch ya,
molly
Hyper Music
February 1, 2007

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I love hummingbirds...they are so graceful and lovely. I like what you have done with this poem...it really describes what is going on. a couple of little things though: you have "starring" instead of "staring" in the first and last stanza of the poem. also, I would add some more punctuation. for example, "watching, he sits, without emotion." also, "thrill of the hunt, the true notion", and lastly, in the last stanza you have natures demotion, and natures cries. it should be nature's demotion, and nature's cries, because it is possessive.

lovely images you have created here!
oldmanriver1942
February 1, 2007

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Excelent!
one of the truley best nature poems I have read in a long time..thank-you for sharing this magnificent peace of work
breakingXwithXwords
February 1, 2007

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wow i loved it. reminds me of hours spent walking through the woods, listening and observing. the words, the flow, the perfect imagery- you nail what you are trying to convey. by the end of this piece, i was in the forest myself.

i loved:
"Watching he sits, without motion
With eyes starring, no emotion.
Where trees of green are his disguise"

Great opening and the use of the short refrain was excellent. I am inspired to try it myself. Excellent work. Thank you for sharing this with all of us and keep up the great writing.

- andre
deleteit
January 31, 2007

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Great imagery and in depth detail of nature at it's best! Very descriptive of the wait, the hunt and how life goes on until the next strike! Great job and the best of luck
Arkbear
January 30, 2007

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Thank you ~

Thank you so much for your entry ~

I will review your entry for certain criteria

expected from this contest ~

If you do not hear back from me within 36 hours,

You might want to review your own entry and make sure EVERYTHING in the RULES have been followed ~

I will review syllable count just once,

AND, if there is/are any line/s missing a syllable/s,

I will let you know only ONCE!

I am looking forward to reviewing your entry as they come in,

However, Judging will NOT take place until

closing of this contest, therefore, I will not read the Theme or Storyline until that time ~

The best of luck to you in this contest!

Presentation looks great so far !

Sincerely,

Bear ~