She sat in the rain,
While it fell upon her head,
She sat in the rain,
As though puddles were her bed.
She looked up at me,
And I saw it in her eyes,
She's so wild and free,
And never ever cries.
She dances on moon beams,
And races over clouds,
She hangs head down from trees,
And she doesn't like crowds.
She never thinks of others,
But they love her anyway,
I wish I could see her again,
As I did that day.
But sometime ago she stopped coming around,
I looked everywhere but she couldn't be found,
I looked by the lakes and on top of the Ives,
I looked in a mirror but she wasn't in my eyes.
Author notes
To understand this poem, I think you should at least be told that I'm a girl. Its amazing how many people give the name Bowie, which does contain the word Bow, a male gender. This is all fine and well, perhaps steming from the Bowieknife, which would be a male thing more than a female, or from David Bowie who was great in Labrinth, but for this particulare poem I felt it might cause confusion if you think of me as a boy.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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all i can say is wow
i usually dont like rhyme, but this was wonderful.
everything flowed very nicely and it told a story. i think a lot of people can relate to this, i know i can.
wonderful write, i enjoyed it.
-M.Orange -
This is really good
I like it a lot. I like the way the rhyme flows, and the whole rhythm of the write
This is really good
Midnight
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Fantastic and fun, and it made me think. It was really really eally enjoyable!
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I like your poem. It's heartfelt, wistful. I wouldn't change this poem. But next time, here are a couple of things you might watch for as you write.
You start ten out of sixteen lines with "She" or "And she." You might think of some ways to avoid the repetition to spark more vivid imagery; or, if you're using repetition for emphasis, be careful to use it only on the first and third lines, or on all four, or in any set pattern, but be in control of the usage.
The meter is inconsistent, which is fine if you choose to write that way, but be sure that you're doing so to add strength to the lines rather than racing to the rhyme.
I do like the change in meter in the last stanza. It slows the poem down, becomes reflective (even literally), a definite change in tone that brings home the sense of loss.
Fine work. I look forward to seeing more of your poetry. :-) -
Nicely Done
I really like this piece because, without overemphasis or overly obtuse language, it beautifully captures and conveys exactly what you were (are?) thinking, feeling, hoping. Having said that, the first stanza made we think you were going to make use of every other line repeating throughout the piece, but you didn't do that, so it seems a little out of place with the first and third line repeating in only the first stanza. Continued Success!
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Bravo..
dear Bowie,
this is beautiful... I loved the way you've described things in the above verse.. I'm also a girl and can relate to this poem and every word of it.. the sereity that flows in your poem is wonderful too... I love rains above all. tht makes the first stanza my favorite!! A loving and differnt way of describing one self.. the end is also good.. At times I do feel tht I've lost myself somewhere.. thanks for sharing this,
hope to read more of you soon..
take care
Neha
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Transcend All
The how comfortable and at home, at peace she is. So much so she feels it her resting place, were she can lay and dream - her bed. "I looked in a mirror but she wasn't in my eyes" is a powerful statement and strong reflection that I could picture even for myself. Imagery becomes a strong connection for me between myself and the writer, esp. if I can imagine the story, picture, painting as something tangible, something I can or have experienced. I enjoyed your writing esp. on such a rainy day.
Thank-you,
Namaste'
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You write in a gorgeous manner
as a female should. The Bowie was no trick.
"As though puddles were her bed."
One of the most beautiful lines I think I could ever come across. You words amaze from line to line as metaphors take over any intellectual, logical action I could attempt to concieve. Emotion is the only thing I really could derive from a piece like this and it is gorgeous. well done.
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dancing on moon beams...
I hope you find her...
Well written!
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It is a sad thing how the world seems so bent on stamping out our carefree innocents. I enjoyed reading your poem. I liked the way you captured that sense of wonder.
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a very nice poem... extremely well written..
had to read the ending a few times, but after the second time i understood exactly what you described..
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Lovely
This was a great poem. I loved the imagery it conjured mentally, and I especially liked the last line (I looked in the mirror but she wasn't in my eyes), because I thought she was a person outside of you, maybe a representation of something you'd like to be. The only suggestion I can offer is that you remember not all the lines have to have punctuation, and the punctuation doesn't have to be consistant throughout the poem. For example, I think line one would be better off without a comma, and line two might be better with a semi-colon instead of a comma.
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GREAT!
This is really good!
I am not saying you need to, but maybe a shorter more powerful title?
Don`t change anything about your beautiful rhyme though.
She looked up at me,
And I saw it in her eyes,
She's so wild and free,
She never ever cries.
She dances on moon beams,
She races over clouds,
She hangs head down from trees,
And she doesn't like crowds.
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loved the rhyme scheme. amazing. great job. i really really like this. just amazing great great job.
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Sounds as if you lost your happiness in your heart and soul and now you wish to find her again, for looking in a mirror you only see the blank face and not the happiness that used to live there. It is a lovely piece with good rhythm and flow, the rhyme structure is very nice.
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whether your a boy or a girl this poem is still great. i liked that you made your poem rhyme. i think it just makes the poem a whole lot better, even though i dont rhyme myself. anyway this is a great write, and dont ever stop writting poetry.
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This was such a well written poem. And the ending was so different to what I was perceiving in my head that I had to read it again to really understand it. I thought I was very well done and the last line was really powerful. Thanks for sharing this with us.
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Cool
I liked this a lot. It has a nice beat to it; I think it could actually be read aloud-- more than you can say for a lot of stuff these days. But I digress. Your imagery was wonderful, though I thought it stopped a little abruptly the first time I read it. However, this didn't seem to be a problem the second time.
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sweeeeet
i like it, it's different from the ordinary, boring poems i've been reading for the past hour. i really like it.
lots o' love,
gooshawn <3 xoxo
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This was a really good piece I would of thought of a girl just the way it was written. It had a female feel to it. Thank you for sharing this.
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this is a great piece, i love the imagery you use. it's creative and really defines an exact feeling, and it's not stale at all. the flow is also really good, though the line
"she hangs head down from trees"
threw me the first time i read it, i wonder if there's a clearer way to put it. i understood it when i read the line the second time, but it pulled me out of the poem a little bit. i love that whole verse though, it's my favorite in the poem. i agree that the end was really well done though, it sums everything up perfectly and makes you understand the melancholy feeling you get while reading this. thanks for sharing it.
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this is an excellent write. i didnt think you were a dude at all. i really like the decriptiveness you used. awesome write.
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Great Write!!!
Such an emotional piece. i particularly like the last few lines;
' But sometime ago she stopped coming around,
I looked everywhere but she couldn't be found,
I look by the lakes and on top of the lves,
I looked in a mirror but she wasn't in my eyes'
They concluded the piece very well and they also gave it an unexpected twist.
I believe that this piece has great flow and the content is excellent
Keep Up The Good Work
Beck
P.S. There is also a spelling error on the last word on the second last line.
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I didn't need to read the author notes to understand that you were a girl, I think this poem is written in such a way that it is obvious . . . (but I do agree that Bowie was amazing in Labrinth!) . . . this is a melancholy poem, it shows a sweet wistfulness to be what you once were . . . and I'm sure that you are strong enough to regain that.
Stay strong and keep writing
Polly -
nice
i like that poem it was really cool. not everybody writes poems like that or at lest the ones iv read before
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This was really cute, it all flowed well together and it didn't sound forced anywhere. I liked the concept as well. Great job!
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wow
this is a frickin cool poem, i liked it a lot. thanks for the clarification lol. well penned and the emoyions were well shown. bravo! -
I like the title and sitting in the rain.....I read this through with pleasure... i found the words and lines painted a picture to the movie i see in my head. The flow and feel full of imagery yes but expressive description dancing on moonbeams beautiful. Thank yuo
brilliant... i have to say it does not matter to me what gender you are I look at the poem and any poem should stand alone in the cold light of day and believe me this one has done this and more.
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Aww this is a really great poem. I am pretty sure I have got the meaning down, knowing that you are female certainly helped with that. My favorite part was 'But sometime ago she stopped coming around,
I looked everywhere but she couldn't be found,
I look by the lakes and on top of the Ives,
I looked in a mirror but she wasn't in my eyes. '
You did a fantastic job, keep it up!
~Snowfall
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I loved reading this poem. I read it about two or three times actually. You use ryhming beautifully. It was forced at all, flowed effortlessly. You are a very talented writer. I also loved the imagery in this poem. You can see it in your mind as you read it.
"she sat in the rain,
While it fell upon her head,
She sat in the rain,
As though the puddles were her bed"
That is my most favorite part of the whole poem.
It just flows so elequently. You are a very good writer. Thank you so much for sharing your work. I sincerely look forward to reading more of your work in the future. And again-excellent job on this poem
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