maybe just maybe

ya know, it's kinda weird, i haven't been this happy in a long time. i haven't hurt you this bad in a long time either. ever think that might go hand in hand. no probably not. whatever. nothing matters to me. that's what's making me so happy. i don't care about anything. and i don't care about anyone. this guy likes me. so what. i told him to think what he wants. he asked if i wanted to hang out. i said sure. so we're going to hang out. now normally i would ask if you were ok with it. but i don't need to anymore. and why is that. because we are done. and this time i mean it. before it actually happened i was thinking oh well, just a break and then things will be fine and we'll be back together again. but now, i don't want that. i don't want us to be together again. i know that you do and i'm sorry. not because i broke up with you. and that i don't want to get back together anymore. but that you won't go out with her, or her. be normal. don't care. it's fun. trust me. well maybe not the normal part. but seriously don't care about anything anymore, you'll see, it's fun. he said that maybe if you come up, things will change. things will go back to normal between us. and he says he knows that's what i really want. but how can he know that when i don't even know what i want. i want to be happy. i want to be able to smile and not just fake it. and for the past day i have been able to. ya i've had my lows for today, but not anywhere near what i'm used to having. ya i kinda what to go back to what i used to do, before you. but i'm not going to. do you know how stupid a reason that is to stay together. because you're afraid of what would happen when we're apart. guess what, we're already apart. see this not caring thing. it's rather weird. i can sit here and type knowing that you will read this. knowing that you will most likely get hurt by the things i'm saying, but then still post this, and still be able to say that i'm in a good mood. well my mood is slowing dropping. maybe i should take some more. maybe just fly a little bit higher. maybe then i'll know what i really want. maybe then i will be able to see over everything and see all and know all and want us together. maybe just maybe.