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I am only but a face

I'm up im low

i'm high i'm grounded.

I'm sad im scared and no ones here to make me feel any better

I trusted to much

I was told i shouldn't

but i couldnt listen

i couldn't watch a body being trampled while i walked

i thought of their familes

I thought of their lives

I thought of love

but now i'm alone



Blank eyes

wide puplis

blood

tears

my own tears

my own blood

spilled for you

do you care?


I've have been taken

I trusted all

but not all care

not all are good

now you've hurt me

the one who saved you

I'm angry

Im mad

are you afraid?

are you alone?

whats the difference?

do you have anyone to lean on?

I dont.

my only crutch is splintered

and i'm left with emptyness

lying on the floor

Crying out to the world:

"You cant help me, 'cause you cant help yourselves!"

Leave me alone

step over my body and dont remember my face

its not important

is it?

do you really care?

did you know me?

no, i think not

just another face on the ground

just another dead helpless body

too many to cry over

have a great life and make sure you dont have sympathy

because look where it's gotten me.

No one will miss you

None will cry

I'm sorry i tried to make a difference

I am only but a face


Author notes

I dont thinl i'm doing this right. i've always wanted to get my thoughts on paper and how i felt but i've been to afraid. now i think its time.. so let loose and let me know how it is.

PLEASE let me know what you think have have got to know if im doing this right...

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Mairi bheag gold member
    January 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I am going to give you as much encouragement as I can - and that includes a couple of rounds of applause for launching yourself into AP - welcome.

    I wish I could say that the poem worked for me. It is deeply personal and expresses your feelings in a very straightforward way. But it needs more than that to be a good poem. You need to work on doing more than letting your emotions flow onto the paper - for example, see if you can say the same thing in half the number of lines, and try to express something through a metaphor.

    I am troubled, in this poem, by the inconsistency of "I'm - i'm -im", by the way. Is this deliberate, or just an editing problem?

    You have a way to go before you reach poetic maturity, but I wish you a calm and successful journey.


    • VortexMoonStar
      February 3, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      i wonder how could i made this more fluid? thats always been my main problem.


  • Cannonsfire
    January 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Welcome newbie and this is a strong start, using your thoughts as a tool for poetry gives the readers insights into your ersonality, hopes and fears. I don't think you need double spacing as each space counts as a line and some will not click thinking it is a very long poem, it is not needed. Few flow issues and punctuation but that will come with time. Hope you enjoy your time.

    • VortexMoonStar
      February 3, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      i didnt mean to double space but i couldnt fix it. thank you for your comment though i really need to work on my "poems" if that what you want to call them....


  • CookieZeal Greeters member
    January 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    (Les yeux sans visage)......eyes.without a face

    Okay. You've accomplished that--- you got your thoughts on paper ............fearlessly! Congratulations. Do you know that you defeated at least ONE of your OWN personal doubts?

    Now. You must work on the spelling. This site is so cool that it gives a "spellcheck" so that we can get
    the spelling correct. You've got several misspells, so that will help. If you need assistance, let one of us know
    Example: wide [puplis]-- should be (pupils)

    ~~ Punctuation--- remember to use proper punctuation.

    I'm so glad that you don't use much.......it's an irritable glitch with poetry. One doesn't need
    much if it flys correctly. Be sparing, especially
    on the question marks. (?) They can CARTOON
    the body of the work.

    A little tweaking (and on a different day) will make a super difference.

    I would like to 'feature' this for you. Look to the 'right' of the screen where all the options are.
    You'll see "Featured".
    I hope you'll get lots of neat comments!

    Welcome Warmly, CookieZeal/DB

1 - 5 of 5