What I do may not seem like I am doing right
I know this as I stare up at the cloudy night
I've realized the pain of others
I've seen the hurt I cause
That's why I want to vanish
Become just a memory of something
Maybe someone will remember me
Maybe someone does care
Maybe someone will try and save me
All I know is that it won't matter
I'll be gone
I'll disappear
Right before your eyes
As you look through the haze of smoke that clouds your eyes
I'll be gone
I don't know where I'm going
And I know I'm not coming back
All the days that I've wondered
If anyone would care
I don't have to anymore
And that's something I look forward to
Do people out there see me?
Do they see the real me?
Do they watch me and wonder what I've been through
I doubt it
I am just a punching bag
I am just abused
Nobody out there gives a damn
In fact, they all will rejoice
I'm leaving, finally, so shout your joy
I'm going away with the knife I hold
I'll slit my wrists and then, voila
I won't be here anymore
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Excruciatingly Painful
When the times are tough, when the darkness hovers above, when the time is unkind, close your eyes, listen to your bleeding heart and you will hear your name, remember your mom's calling you
... Life is unfair & yet worth living for someone does & will always care for you... as a poem, this shows your darker side of your talent, but my sunshine needs to shine brighter...
Gazing at the clouds..starks sprinked all over the skies..brightest star peeks from the heights..to shine upon our lives...making living worth while..do you know the name of that beautiful star? it's none other than my lil lankan who is here to stay forever...
love mommy
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Best of luck to you. Maybe go out and see the trees and flowers to see if that'll cheer you up. Are you the victim, the villain or both? I don't think anyone rejoices when someone else dies, no matter how hateful they were towards each other when they were alive. I hope you get out of this dark stage.
Now about your poem: "What I do may not seem like I am doing right" awkward, it could be phrased better. "what I do may not seem right" is better and shorter and less confusing. I like the quaint rhyming here and there. You have some really good figurative speech, like " As you look through the haze of smoke that clouds your eyes".
"Do people out there see me?
Do they see the real me?" This is repetitive. Maybe it's better as "Do people out there see the real me?"
Your poem was really emotional.
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Another good piece, deep and emotional. Would actually make great lyrics to a mellow rock type song. Loved this one and I hope thing's have gotten better for ya. Once again, great job. ~ ~
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amazingly awesome
wow, that is amazing, i love the way this poem is written, i hope its not serious though coz the end saddened me, the whole "slit my wrists and then, voila" part was all teary......ya know i love you sis! so you should definately write some happier poetry...maybe some brother sister incest ^_~ lol jkjk love you sister always will ^_^ :-* do u got a myspace? coz i cant remember lol if u do tell me kay? coz i wanna see some pics of my sexi sister. omg wow im writin a paragraph here lol (i need the points sis) lol but yeah, im followin the suggestion thing under this box...so no there's no way this poem can improve...unless u write some stephen and sister incest? ^_~ lol u like it ya know ya do!
<3 lol i heartsed you you silly girl ^_^ <3 always and......always lol rotflmmfaouidgb i win! lol.............................no more suggestions from the suggestion box...o well i win <3 <3 <3 <<<<3333 <<<333
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awww id care lil sis
... hope things turn up fer u .... tek care... this is a beautiful piece btw....
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Very sad. It almost sounds insane. There were some really awesome parts, with good phrasing and an intriguing rhythm.
The first line is phrased a little awkwardly though. Why not go with something like, "What I do may not seem right?"
And, it works either way, but in this part, "I don't know where I'm going
And I know I'm not coming back"
I think it would have a strong effect if you exchanged the "and" for a "but?" Just a thought.
Keep writing.
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I don't know if this is personally about you but I do care. If i didn't care i wouldn't be reading your poetry.
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Excellent
You put such intensity on display. Sadness tugs at the reader's soul. So very well done.
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great!!!
i love how you deeply expressed your emotions and feelings all wrapped into one... but no matter what there will always be at least one person out there that really does care.......
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Wonderful work!
This one is really really dark and sad! Very deep too. You can tell you just really put your heart and soul into every single line here. I'll say what a lot of people on here are saying ( not that I don't mean it too ) - I'm sure people out there care too, and no one will rejoice!! This is such a great poem though. Keep posting. You really have talent
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The opening lines of this really caught my attention. A lot of times people want to vanish because they're getting hurt so badly by those around them. That you know/feel you are causing pain to others is, I think, mixed with your own pain perhaps? In any case...there will never be any relationship that doesn't cause pain to both parties. It is a part of our life here on earth...but people are tough, and relationships grow out of that hurt and become even stronger. Forgiveness is a gift both given and received. That does not mean you should have to live with abuse though ~ that is something totally different.
When I was young, I used to wish I could live on a deserted island all alone. That was my escape from the world and I thought about it a lot. I wondered if anyone would miss me, or come look for me...
I agree with a lot of the other comments made here...there is a thread of fight behind your words, speaking loudly of an inner strength and will to survive. Hang in there. You are worth far more than you know...
Much love,
~J.
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wow hun this is very sad and dark and it is a true write of your emotions but i think someone out there does care its just finding them and i care wont be able to read any new poems and im sure alot of people on here will be sad like danni and me if you ever need to talk my msn is louise20ugly@hotmail.co.uk if not i have yahoo as well which is louiseugly20@yahoo.com
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Very dark and sad...deeply heart wrenching and emotional. You talent for the dark is strong. People care and so do you! You have it in you to excel past it all. One day you will move on and not this way. When you do you will look back and tell them all to kiss your ass...for you survived and are better for it.
Nicely spoken!
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This is a great write, altough very sad to say the least. However, I see a lot of positive energy in here; Individuality, Indepedance and wanting to achieve your own personal goals. However, taking a knofe and slitting our wrists is the easy way out. Belive me, people will notice that yes, and if attention is what your looking for, you'll get it. Although, only for a while until your life is forgoten 'cause you're not here to remember. The best way to deal with this is to walk your path and achieve everything in life you want to achieve, make people stare at you in awe, and they will notice you for the person you are, for the things you do, and they'll remember you for a long time, because you're still here for them to remember you by. Keep writing girly, keep breathing and remember, everyone here in the AP society has noticed you. We love you for who you are, and we will always remember you, even long after you're gone. You're writnig is inspiring, keep it up! xxxxxx
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Noone will applaud your passing Im afraid. They'll notice it like they notice the changing of autumn leaves on the side of a deserted highway, Just for the weekend. Lovely poem; Stay for awhile, write more, leave later.
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i thought this was well written and the flow was good but really hun noone will rejoice they will mourn the loss of you and you can beat the fight your not alone
good luck in contest to
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