born yet unborn

The news sent waves of
excitment and fear raging through eager veins
We never thought it would happen
in fact the doctors said our outlook for children was poor
and we should try different options
but deep down I wanted my own
a person of my blood,an extended part of me
caution held hands with me
leading me to safety when I need it the most
days bled into months
the first time his small foot kicked me
sent tiny hairs dancing with joy on my naked neck
he moved all the time,
  Antisipating,
the day he would grace us with his presence
Preparing was easier than creating him
eager to hold my life in my own hands
crafting a future of unknown destinies.
At 25 weeks
stomach so full
it looked like swollen basketball
but the movements stopped
fear gripped and fled into terrible strangulation
rushing to the doctors led to racing to the emergency room
sirens screeching, nurses chattering,machines yelling
I listened
strained hard to hear
thump, thump, thump at a steady pace
only nothing, no sound,all void
tears burned flushed cheeks
they told me I would have to deliver my baby
only when he would be born he would not be a live
hollow words dripped from their mouth
I couldn't, there was no way in hell my baby was d...
the four letter word formed but never made it past quivering lips
as it went, they pushed me into delivery
when it was over,
they handed him to me
wrapped cozy in a soft blue blanket,
sobs turned to shoulder shaking wails
he look so perfect
ten toes, ten fingers
only no heart beat
I wanted so desperatly to give him my breath
to watch his eyes open and look at me for the first time
savoring his mommy
his fingers to curl around my pinky
I waited,
for a small smile to caress his heart shaped lips
I waited,
and waited,
until death wanted me as well.