wind blew the sand
along the fenceline
leading to the lake
where once we had walked
holding hands while
falling in love
traces of this time
became covered
as tracks were filled
and water quickly washed
hearts and names
away on the beach
What happened to the hearts
we wrote into the sand;
as one by one the parts
dissolved as on command?
Our tracks too were erased
as if they'd never been;
the places we'd embraced
now gone with our chagrin.
The traces of this time
have faded into dust;
the photo and this rhyme
just left to be discussed.
Author notes
Both poems dealing with the picture entitled Forgotten, from deviantArt.
Free verse, then rhyme about the same topic.
In a list
A contest entry
- *Intelligent title goes here* by masky.
1800 points, ended April 15, 2008, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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wow this is beautiful and sad..it seems to me to be about a love lost, a love that faded with time and has slowly been brushed away by the wind...the use of metaphor is strong and clever..thanks for sharing
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This was so beautiful, it almost made me want to be heart-broken so I could cry reading it. I don't know if THIS was its purpose, but it was definately a very emotional piece. I appreciated the both free verse and rhyme thing, it really added meaning to the poem, in my opinion. I personally think that the rhyming version is much better, but that might be subjective, seeing I like rhyme and all - so there we go. My favorite stanza was:
"The traces of this time
have faded into dust;
the photo and this rhyme
just left to be discussed."
Great ending verse! Makes the reader ponder, and this is what this contest was all about. Apologizing for my short (er than usual comment), congratulations, you're on the finalists' list!
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very good poem!! enjoy it alot
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Very nice poem about a love that once was, and is no more.
What happened to the hearts
we wrote into the sand;
as one by one the parts
dissolved as on command?
And the closing stanzas show the dissolving of this love, with only the words of the poem left to remember it. Nicely done.
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I loved all of your poem. However, the line between the first and second stanza stop the flow. Take the line out and it flows like the ebb of tide into a timeless poem. BHolzner
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beautiful
And sad ... those moments that define us are left behind. Only the memory remains and the moment that the poet can forever etch with her pen. I love this poetic duet.
- jo
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Nicely done. I liked the rhyming section. It made it more emotional for me - the rhyme giving it that extra punch. Keep writing.
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Beautifully Tragic
I related to this, if not only because I wonder forever how the love of my last could fade that quickly. Very well done -
I believe I already commented on this poem, but i'll sum up what i thought the first time... wow! i loved this, it's so touching. awesome write!
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Very well done!!!!!
I enjoyed reading this magnificent masterpiece yu have created here...
Di
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Both pieces were wonderful and both pieces were wonderfully written. I loved the imagery the best, and the picture worked well with both pieces. Great work!
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We can discuss the photo, but the rhyme needs no discussion. It stands alone as a beautifully bittersweet memorial to the love lost.
Buddy
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PLEASE READ UPDATE
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Hi, two lovely poems, I am going to have a hard time judging , these two writes everyone can relate to, I enjoyed them very much, all the best in the comp, Di
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Trying again to give you 3 applauds
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3 applauds...9pts
Reward from The Poetic Bandits reading list
~Lilac
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BEAUTIFUL WRITE
Memories felt through time only you can see leaving traces of love on the memory -
Awesome
i really liked the contest of this poem! It was wonderfully written and has a small hint of sadness and longing to it. Very good job! -
wow i love how they both go together. =] i do like the first one more though =]
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Emotion-laden, I love beach and ocean references so I am instantly enamored of this write, very well defined and strong. Bravo.
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I so wish this would allow me to applaud this amazing write again...
I WILL OFFER MY STANDING OVATION TO YOU MY DEAR LADY!
Blessings! Tammy -
Holding hands while falling in love, this I love such memories are not to be forgotten, and how sad but true that our hearts written in sand are no longer there....beautiful writing I love this form great work and good luck in this contest...
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I love the picture, and your words work wonderfully around it, i do prefer the first, i suppose thats because i'm not much of a rhymer. Great job overall though! Jan
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Love this piece full of powerful emotions and images... this gave me great visuals as I read! Thanks for sharing... best wishes and blessings,
Frogz~
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I have commented on this poem before so I won't be able to applaud, but what I said still stands
A super write and it will always impress everyone who reads it, it did me...I wish you all the best in the contest
~Lilac
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I know I said this before...
but this is one of my fav's from you...
Indeed...the "flavor" of this write is so wonderfully penned and mastered...
This write is worthy of gold and more gold...
Blessings! Tammy -
lovely
I love the image of hearts being washed away on the beach....beautiful...
TY for entering my contest
Lynda♥ -
Such a love filled poem so full of emotions. Excellent flow and content. I just loved it
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I think you have described lost love to a TEE! and did a very good job doing it. I enjoyed reading this as it too took me back in time. Xlnt write...GETS
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I know that I've read this write of yours before, but it's one that I adored and therefore, most worthy of another comment! It is so poignant. I think this is one of your best that I've read. Beautiful!
~Lori -
its a really good write, the meaning seems to be very very deep, I love the decriprions and the vision of the past, It make me long for a time in my life long ago, thank you, and good job
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Well Penned
Each poem stands alone or could be blended together. Lost love or an elderly couple? Perhaps a widow/er looking back to youth vanished? I can read this several ways. The title echoes in your head, once you've read and understand. Some things are only a memory of a memory. I have to admit, I like the last stanza of the second part best, but without the preceeding stanzas leading up to the conclusion, it couldn't touch the heart so. Bravo!!!
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What happened to the hearts
we wrote into the sand;
as one by one the parts
dissolved as on command?
I really love this stanza! The whole thing is really good but this is my favorite part. It just has such imagary and hidden meaning... litterally the sand was washed away, but underneath the surface love has been washed away. The poet is hurt by how temporary this love was. like the sand it only took a little water to wash all traces of it away....great emotional picture!
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wow this is good
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Very beautifully sad? Is that possible? Love lost, or just gone. I love the way you have phrased something that can be so sad, into something very well written and a beautiful poem. Good luck in the contest!
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I read them both together, which may have been the wrong thing to do.. but by meshing them together I think I like them a lot more than I would've if I'd just read them individually.
I'm more of a fan of the second one/second part, as it's able to touch me a little bit more than the other.
The traces of this time
have faded into dust;
the photo and this rhyme
just left to be discussed.
Again.. the second poem I loved more... as well as they both fit together... and the final line.. it summed everything up for me in such a beautiful way. Great poetry, but I'm sure you know that ;-)
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Beautiful.
but yet so sad. it really makes you think. and i love it.
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Time claims all
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I just lost my comment, so shall begin all over again!
Memories can take a lifetime to build, yet it takes just a moment to erase them forever.
I like the way you have presented this on the page. The first stanza presenting your theme, the second stanza explaining what has happened... then come the questions in the third stanza, the answer in the fourth... your fifth stanza rounds up the whole piece, your rhyming adding to the allover effect.
A good piece of work well done, I feel you have done justice to the graphic on the page.
~Katie~
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I agree with Haiku, tender moments are brief but they are intended to be and if we hold on to them to long they lose their meaning. I prefer to rock hope from one tender moment to the other and in that way, do my best to preserve an old, lasting relationship, with fresh new moments recognizing and declaring love.
Nice write.
John
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Grannyeri, I already commented on this poem but I shall visit again and say you communicate well the breviety of tender moments that must be cherished in our memories or they fade away like words written on the sands of time. The two different styles each have their merits. Well Done!
Dennis -
Even though these things cannot be seen, they are still felt within the heart. I really loved this,
it touched me. For so many things seem to wash
away after so many years. Were they strong enough to
be permanantly forged inside our heart?
great job with this one, I loved it.
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What memories old photos evoke, even though I know it's not your personal picture, but it does make a good subject for a poem and I like the form of it, as it has a wistful, yearning theme of forgotten love.
Ann
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It's so sad...forgotten, gone forever, dissolved in the waters of life...beautiful work. Keep it up.
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What happened to the hearts
we wrote into the sand;
as one by one the parts
dissolved as on command?
to me this stanza from the second poem exemplifies the poetic double meaning in this poem; the hearts that dissolved from the sand, are these the actual hearts, no. all through the poem she regrets that these things have disappeared from the physical substance of life, but the poem itself is written with such simple and warm fondness for her memories as shown by her regret that the world, even its natural forces try to erase these things, yet never succeed. the heart, even in sadness and saying goodby will always have the option of bringing back truth into our lives about what really was that we have lived. ,,,Danni
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A beautiful piece grannyeri, loved the form and flow and the emotion you were able to infuse in this strong piece. Excellent. Bunny
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awe, now this can't be you forgotten... ouch, I feel the hearts and names being washed away... you've reached deep for this one...
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Terrific!!
I thought this was just a wonderful piece to go with this picture!! I could just see my son and his wife spelling their names in a heart on the beach and holding hands talking about the future! truly a beautiful and emotional piece!! Good luck!! and Thank you for sharing such heartfelt words!!
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WOW!
"What happened to the hearts
we wrote into the sand;
as one by one the parts
dissolved as on command?" I liked this part the best. Excellent flow, and the rhyme flow as well! I'd be lucky if I could write like this! Good poem!
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Sad but yet so beautiful
Very good
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Wow the end...Gave the write...Power! Awesome.
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Beautiful
That was a very sad write, but it had beautiful feeling in it and your an amazing writer. -
So sad, and yet....so....good. I loved this piece because it rang a bell within me. It was so true, for in some cases, love does fade like the footprints and names written in sand. Familiarity breeds contempt if one is not careful, and you brought this out so well with this piece, though not strongly enough to hurt a mentally wounded and heart-broken reader. This was a soft and gentle way to question a love lost. Great Job!
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Great write, very romantic and full of emotions. I especially loved the part about the water washing away the names in the sand. this was a great piece, and I'm really glad I read it. Great job, keep up the good work.
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touching, indeed. great imagery, good depiction of the picture.
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Very Nice
Although the hearts are erased from the sand, you needed to travel down that road and experience what you went through to get to where you are going. Our past helps us step into the future by learning from our mistakes and learning how to get it right. Good job. -
Another amazing write granni. It shores seem peaceful though shadowa of a pastare washed away..
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sorry I clicked again , I did not realize that I had read this one before...
anyhow I still appreciate this write very much , it is very profound and touching...
luv
J -
This is a very touching write. The two poems go together well. I just suffered a loss in my life, and as I looked through pictures of her youth, I felt these things about her life. Great write. Good luck in the contest.
Jeannie
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These words feel so much like my own thoughts when I am on an empty beach.There is something so desolate and reflecting about these kind of places. Well done grannyeri, and good luck in the contest. Val
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Excellent
Only a mature person could create such a beautifully themed work of art. Few people realize how precious is the gift of time. -
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Reasoned!
Hi!
Beautiful poem!
The good thing that once was and has changed to have everything against it
Does love instigate both to start this?
Reasoned!
Take care!
Scarzat
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good luck in the contest with this very lovely poem that leaves the reader feeling sad and lost,very well done.very descriptive with a sad lonely feel to it
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this is such a bitter sweet poem i love it.
you brought the reader into the plot very nicely.
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It goes to show you, take every moment for granted because we never know when it will be gone,. although the names can be washed away on the sand your memories never will be, so if you just keep writing what you feel it will never be washed away..
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These are very well done. I found with the top poem that the throughts seemed a little disjointed because of the absence of punctuation, and the pausing of thought at the end of a line. The second poem sucked me right in, and I love the the imagery that it gives off. Both definitely describe the image perfectly.
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lingers on the edge of the heart
leaves behind a trail of feelings that are both touching and fragrant,lovely write -
'tis a quite sad poem. it is well written and i love the image it portrays
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Wonderful imagery
You words work well and compliment the picture. Never build hopes and dreams on a shifting foundation such as sand. It will always be washed away by the incoming tides. Good structure and flow. I like that you were inspired to write two poems for the picture. Thanks for sharing.
As always I encourage you to keep writing to read and comment.
God Bless
Tammy -
easily picturable - I think I read this already but didn't wnat to sort through the plethura of comments to check.
I really like this one - probably one of my favorites of yours. -
GOOD
I ENJOYED THE WORDS THEY REMIND ME OF A FORGOTTEN BUT NOT ERASED LOVE OF MINE. LOVE DOES ENDURE IN OUR HEARTS
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Hello My Dear ~
I have reviewed this piece before, but I had to read it again as I remember it as one of my fav.'s from you ~
~ water quickly washed
hearts and names
away on the beach ~
....and this..>>>>
~ Our tracks too were erased
as if they'd never been; ~
Well done my Dear ~
Bear ~ -
*sniff*
i like the way it started out as a love poem and ended up as saying 'you left me' it was great and ive had that happen before to me... makes you stop and think and makes you want to read it again. wonderful, beautiful poem.
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Oh this is drop dead amazing!! I loved this and the intense nostalgia you create with your words. You've done well....and had me quite emotional over this.
Doubt you need luck in the contest!!
Good luck anyway!
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Wow, I am in awe. Stops you dead in your tracks, makes you wonder what has happened to our past. Can we remember out past buried in time. Good luck in the contest. Amara
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Great Write
Hauntingly sad.
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Good
grannyeri~
Hey! I really liked this write. I like how you put all of your words together. Keep on writing.
~!~Manda~!~ -
this is beautiful. you never cease to impress my heart with the wonderful words you write. now i want to go write my name in the sand. but i'm too sick. thank you for sharing this with me. viyanna rosemarie
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Excellent!
I didn't even see the picture yet grannyeri and I loved the poem! I especially enjoyed the twist at the end. "The traces of this time
have faded into dust;
the photo and this rhyme
just left to be discussed."
Do you ever LOSE your muse? Seems like you just keep them coming day after day. Good for you, wish I could do the same! Excellent piece!
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The rhyme was brilliant
The picture went along with it really well
Just the general form of it flowed really well
I know I'm just dotting down points here but this
But I;m picking them up
and I love it
The kind of poem I read again, just to understand and enjoy
Well done and good luck in the contest
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a grand form in the endeavor of reliving the past if by picture of the mind only....
memories always last, and then you pen them on forever to stay
Tamara
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I've commented on this piece before, but I want to let you know that I enjoyed reading it again. A lovely write.
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I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITs so good it has great wording and I love The traces of this time
have faded into dust;
the photo and this rhyme
just left to be discussed. That was my favorite part
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this is so sad. New love is so intence that it seems impossible that it will ever be forgotten...sigh
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wow, i love both of them and they fit so well with the picture! amazing job!!! i especially love the first part of the first poem!
Monica <3 -
Amazing
This held so much feeling and I've been feeling this way so often lately like something worth a million days was jus forgotten so easily. I wrote a poem called Hand in Hand kind of like this, the words. Very good job. It touched my heart.
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Very Good
I like the first line, and the third and fourth lines are very good. And wow! '...where once we had walked holding hands while falling in love!' I love that! The second stanza is great! I love that bit about the hearts and names being washed away by water on the beach. The last two lines really did make sense as the whole poem did. Really, those love stories which didn't see the sun are just left there to be discussed by 'People'.
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very lovely
this is oh so true of love it often fades away only leaving pictures and memories not always pleasant -
very bittersweet. you really captured that perfectly. the sorrow of lost love and what was yesterday is very powerfully communicated.
i loved:
"What happened to the hearts
we wrote into the sand;"
that just nails you right in the stomach. the picture is also very nice. is it cape cod? anyways, thank you for sharing this with us and keep up the great writing.
- andre -
Sad yet so beautiful. it reminds me of a song called "I Remember You." by Skid Row. Remember yesterday, walking hand in hand, love letters in the sand, I remember you..... Beautiful poem, Erica.
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Haaa
It's pretty good poetry. Is this pic from Alberta? Quite simply the ability to love and be loved depends completely on yourself and the interference of others. Commitment is about true love between two people. I've met my destined mate. If you do not know how to love and be loved when you meet that person and cannot learn, love is going to be pretty tough between both. If there is no self-love, hard to go about true love. It's like tending a garden, an essential nature as an art of present-moment living and of working-and-playing-now, an art like dancing, when i dance with my partner Totally and serenely in love with my bf poet xx
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Wow Mom, That was some superb work! Quite a sad one but regardless of that, like always, it's another heartfelt write. To think that forgetting has its own joys and pain is quite absurd but I guess it's true.
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the real sad thing is this does happen in life too m any times....and most of the time its not being forgotten, its being ignored and then when you look back its too late. but these
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Help
Thanks for it. Kawaai -
i like it!
i love succinct, freeform poetry, and the first part of this is amazing, but then to be able to take a completely different point of view of the same circumstance...good job!
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I thought I read this poem and it sounded familiar. I love the beach. The poem is romantic and from your heart.
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This was really good. I enjoyed the imagery, and the picture really fit. Great poem.
"M"
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Forgotten
I don't really know much about this contest...but I can really appreciate how you challenge yourself. It is inspiring to me too
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