I don’t remember just how the grandfather clock sounded that night.
I just remember that it fit the moment. I remember jumping at the erie tone.
One.
Two.
Three.
The problem was the there.
In front of their eyes.
Ringing in their ears.
Four.
Five.
Six.
They couldn’t hear the clock ringing out for help.
They thought it went tick, tock, tick, tock just as it always had.
It ticked slower than usual. Notice it?
Seven.
They didn’t notice. They didn’t understand.
Eight.
They went on enjoying their life.
Drinking. Smoking. Not reaching out to their child as they should have.
Cries for attention cut deeper than it normally would have.
Not knowing why it happened, that’s where the problem begins.
Nine.
You can’t go on thinking that happiness is a free balloon.
It’s not.
Silence.
The clock struck ten.
The blood ran down.
Author notes
Uh, not sure what this is. Written about a friend.
Kind of dark... Don't usually write dark poetry.
A contest entry
- Make Me Love You [show me your best] by thelovesongwriter.
800 points, ended July 29, 2007, 73 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Release Inner Anguish (Dark poetry from Dark poets) by Girl With Guitar.
1300 points, ended August 9, 2007, 60 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Let me know... Suggestions
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Mmmm, i actually like this, the hidden meanings behind each word is excellent and i found the end was perfect...
"And the Blood ran down."
good luck in the contest. \
Ravenblood -
I'm stuck between loving it and hating it and I'm not sure whether that says something or not.
It's very hard to comment on the piece and for once I am almost speechless however not in the good way. I will pass this on to my consultant for help!!
Bandaid. -
WOW!! this is very abstract, beautiful metaphor...just great! wonderful job, best of luck, & thanks for entering!
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Ahhh...this is more like it!!!!
This bespeaks prose with an excellence. Bravo! You show emotion that the reader can grasp, an empathy and the word play hones the reader into the pictures of the scenes. Actually...you could almost turn this into a story. Loved the piece from start to finish...stay away from the slam, dear. You have the makings of a talented writer, why waste time on trash?
rose
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thank you so much! i really appreciate this comment. i'm looking forward to reading some of your work!
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I was drawn in by the title of this piece as it reminded me of the song title 'Happiness is a Warm Gun' and also made me think of how easily little children can be made happy.
I like the varied pacing of this piece as it builds up the tension with lines and pauses becoming longer up until the event 'happens' without any real fanfare but not without impact.
One critism though is the line'Cries for attention cut deeper than it normally would have' stood out and not in a good way as it doesn't seem to make much sense to me.
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great
me gusta.
it gave me chills
yay for hailey being amazing -
awesome!
this kinda reminded me of, like in a movie, where some know they're going to die at such and such time. but others are completely clueless.
not cliche at all.. or at least i never see it around.
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