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A Warning, If You Will



Somewhere the Gods of heaven screamed
When they saw the light in eyes that gleamed.
Gold!
Gold!
Gold!
They said.
Gold in an iris so lavish yet so dead.

~*~

It’s sort of like this:
She was a girl
And he was a boy.
She wondered if she should be coy
To run her finger below his chin,
To grasp his waist as they spin.
And when he bent in for a kiss,
Should she turn slightly so he’d miss?

That’s what they all told her to do;
They told her they want what they can’t get
And then you’ll be set
You’d tie the fellow with a string.
He’d touch his forehead to the ground.
Just for you.
All for you
A love to slew
However you want it to be.

And she could --
She thought she would.
She’d make him long for a touch
But never let him have much.
It’s called the lovers’ game.
Quite fun and insane.

But here’s a warning for you:
Eventually a man’s ego falls;
The gold in his eyes finally dulls,
And you, to him, would be a monstrous beast
Who took his heart for your monstrous feast.

And finally his desire’s light ends
Promises to never love again ‘till his heart mends
So, lady, it’s up to you to cherish what you have been given
Love the man who has driven
Your emotions to act in such a way
To make your feeling suddenly sway
From the cold blue they so woundingly knew
To the fierce fire lit by a loose love betwixt the two.

Forget the rules of that game
It’s all a trick --A scam --
Water for a passion’s flame.

~*~

Don’t allow those gods to yell
For eyes that you marred so well.
Let them squirm and burn
When they taste a fire so firm
One that abuses golden eyes that yearn
For a brighter glow.


….Now go….

Author notes

Just something for Jess to laugh at 'cause I promised her I'd enter.


-Reni

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 12 of 12

  • j-ay rose
    March 7, 2007

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    A warning, if you will
    In other currently running contests: no.
    Creativity: 10/10
    Concept: 10/10
    Language: 9/10
    Overall Effect: 10/10
    Final Grading: 39/40
    Notes: none.


  • cloven gold member
    January 30, 2007

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    absolutly beautiful from begining to end. awsome flow and word usage, and as for the message i couldnt agree more. my applause to you


  • Disturbed Prodigy
    January 29, 2007

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    oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, this was good, i think i am in love with this poem, it was amazing, i need to bm this keep it flowing and good luck in the contest


  • Wanna Be
    January 28, 2007

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    To me, this seems to reflect a new style you have taken on (which I see in this, and your next most recent poem). It's an interesting new approach, and I think it is fun to see it form.

    Your rhyme speaks nicely through much of the piece. It does bring about a strange balance in my mind, as there are some sections it really strengthens, and some which I found myself thinking as I read, "I almost hope she chooses not to rhyme here." I like the creative touch you gave to some ("slew" is a nice one, though the tense is off from the surrounding lines), while some of them feel a bit typical and forced. In a future piece I would enjoy seeing you hide some of the rhyming schemes -- as I see that, coupled with your more creative word concepts, fitting in nicely with you.

    I share the feelings of some others here that the rhythmic style you chose seemed to jump around some, which may have pulled some energy out of the meaning. And the feeling you establish in the beginning is much stronger than some of what followed, and is really what enticed me to read through everything. I was waiting for that same feeling to be re-established.

    kirbysman and wbiro might be on to something! I can see that method of thought running through many men, though not necessarily all. Of course, I have no insight on the matter. Nope, none at all.


  • kirbysman Moderators member
    January 28, 2007

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    He's got it right!

    I think Wayne's got it about right. Guys are lazy - and stupid as well. They often don't understand what they have . . . until they haven't any longer. And games and rules; you have to play by the rules or it isn't a game any more. Maybe that's it.

    Yeah, and my neatly ordered brain would also pick away at this, probably ruin its cleverness and impact. So, admiring that quality in you as always, I'll leave it alone. Frying pans are hard!

    Good job of course.

    Paul


  • WisdomWarrior
    January 28, 2007

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    A very wise poem. Please know that there are men who will appreciate the gift you have to give.

    When you get a chance, please read "Empowered" http://allpoetry.com/poem/2017153

    John


  • wbiro gold member
    January 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I guess I should reveal to you the secret about us guys, OK everybody else, close your eyes...
    It's like this- a guy is really just a dumb beast (now that of course is not the secret!) who (and here comes the secret) wants the girl that he thinks loves him the most. This derives from laziness- for she would be the girl that will take the least amount of effort to keep! So much for psychology. The message here is you can be coy or not, it all boils down to the above deep psychological analysis I've revealed here.
    Now on your poem- it is cool... I'd of course tinker with it to death, probably working on the flow first... now I better go before you beat me with a frying pan...


  • Soulful Woman silver member
    January 28, 2007
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    I thought this was really good. It sort of bounced around as I found the beginning more powerful than the end. But if thats how you felt it, then thats the way it is...It was still a good write.
    soulful Woman


  • Subiri Ars Poetica
    January 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting. I kind of liked it, probably because you prefaced it so well. Couple of places you need to fix gramatically and some word choices that left me a little at a loss as to whether they were intentional. I would say just go over it a couple times with some scrutiny. Otherwise... I don't know. Is this something you would want to make more.... presentation worthy? If it's all in fun then more power to you. It's a poem. Is it good? Eh. It's entertaining.

    keep writing.

    mark

  • Susan E. Pennycuff
    January 28, 2007

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    interesting write, not real sure what I think of it, for me it started out much stronger then it ended, somehow it lost something mid way through for me, maybe was the rythem, I don't know. The message was also mixed, a bit of seriousness with a bit of humor, not real sure what the intent was. Perhaps I just didn't get this one the way it was intended, that doesn't make it a bad poem by far, as I am not always the brightest bulb in the building...lol. I can say this, it was NOT a chore to read so am sure you will do well in the contest. Best of luck to you.
    Suzi

  • deleteit
    January 28, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Funny and cute...I liked this. It just screamed about the power that a woman can have and the ultimate repricussions it can ultimately have in the end...mixed with a touch of humor. Great write! I am sure your friend will love it. Good luck in the contest


    • Ishtar
      January 28, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      oh, no! It wasn't really supposed to be all that funny.

      Just sappy, maybe?

      Teehee. Thanks for reading.


      -Reni

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