A pause in life
More to come
A moment where
Every thing is undone
A stupidity
An embarasment
A second wondering
Where that feeling went
Where is that feeling
Of desire and love
Once it did shine
Like the golden sun above
And it burned
My heart, a pile of ash
A frozen piece
An unwanted lash
And I wait now
Like I did before
I wait again
I wait for more
This still is fleeting
And soon to be done
A pause in life
More to come
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Good ending, saved yourself some loss on the TAC in the breakdown below.
I'd write the fourth line as "Everything's undone" and try to work out the rest of the poem to flow more like the first four lines.
I think you may have rushed this slightly... I urge you to go back over it again, solidify your message, and see where you stand. Good luck in your future writings. :-)
Breakdown:
Image: 5.9/10
Emotion: 6.2/10
Rhyme and flow: 6.8/10
Cohesion: 6/10
Message: 8/10
Teen angst coefficent: 1.3
Overall: 6.8/10
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