She sits at home,
knowing she was all alone,
in her room with the lights off.
Its there on her bed,
where she was wishing she was dead.
It's been dark outside for a while,
and she could feel midnight coming near.
The feeling of pain brings a tear.
She thought to herself,
"I am extremely scared,
but I know no one has ever cared".
So she takes a look in the mirror,
seeing all the blood from the gashes,
and the pain causing slashes.
She pulls her razor blade out once again,
she starts to bleed and her carpet turns red,
she knows if she doesn't stop she will soon be dead.
But she has become addicted,
and she couldn't seem to stop,
she knew the razor was never going to drop.
Feelings were consuming her,
anger, sadness,
insanity and madness.
She cuts and slits,
and she wants to be dying,
but she's not, she’s only crying.
She wants the hurt and suffering in her life gone,
because life to her was more than a chore,
so her only wish is to be dead and lifeless on the floor.
She continues to cut,
and more blood pours out,
and in her mind there is no doubt,
soon she will fall and the pain will start to go away.
The razor suddenly drops from her hand,
and she raises her body so she stands,
its then that she collapse in the puddle of blood.
She closes her eyes,
she just wants to die,
and its then that she loses her life.
She would have been surprised that there were,
many, many people in the world who will miss her,
but it’s too late now, she already saw the color of her blood
A contest entry
- im baaack!!! by nobodys-girl.
500 points, ended April 8, 2007, 22 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Remeber it my first, but i wanna know what u think:
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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Very good! Congratulations on the Bronze! You deserved more than that for this amazing write.
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wow, this is great, when i was reading it all the bad things from my life came back to me and i felt i was the girl in the poem, but then i got to the end where it goes
"She would have been surprised that there were,
many, many people in the world who will miss her,"
and i remembered all the people who are here for me, this was great, you really did make me feel, and make me become part of the poem, thanks heaps for your entry and good luck! =) -
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Thanks very much <3
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Thank you for wrtting this poem cuz it really does make me sick,,
for all your freaking ryhmming.
It would of been so much better off without all the rymming.
it had a nice theme but the rymming really drew my attention away from the poem its self,
\but yea, if u didnt have so much rhymming every line i think it would have been better off,
sorry if im soundding round or like a totaly bitch i didnt mean anything by it,
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nah, its kool. Now i know that the rhyming takes away from the poem itself, i may look back and try to edit it to make it better. Thanks alot for your feedback!
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I think that ur poem is fine the way it is, my input on it is that it doesn't matter about the "spelling" and the "grammar" and they way you use "she" too much its probably whats comin from your heart and noone can change that. so what i would say is don't change it plz keep it the same its what you wrote, not noone else
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Thankyou so much, I really apreaciate the comment
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wow this is deep and emotional is it about yourself? I really can relate i like it
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I used to think like this ALOT when i was a kid. Just a year or two ago, i had to do alot, to not cut myself. But writting poems liek this helped me convince myself how stupid it was. So to this day i can happily say that poetry made it so i never once cut myself. I just wish other people could get through the tough times like i did.. but i know their are alot of cutters out there, and alot of people DO die from it, so that was the main reason why i went through some of my old poetry to put this one up.
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this poem isnt bad it just has a... uh... different rhyiming scheme..... its not bad for a first poem really..... good job and emotions...
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cool. i think it was a good poem. not much to say cuz i'm tired, but thx for entering
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good job i thought it was very emotional
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awesome poem, i loved it, it was very nice just awesomeness,
keep writing
~Ashley~<3 -
For a first poem, its not half bad. The emotion is raw and realistic, although I'm very afraid of blood... I still kept reading, because I wanted to know what would happen. So, that was good.
Although, your rhyming should continue the same way throughout your whole poem. For example:
She sits at home, A
knowing she was all alone, A
in her room with the lights off. B
Its there on her bed, C
where she was wishing she was dead. C
It's been dark outside for a while, D
and she could feel midnight coming near. E
The feeling of pain brings a tear. E
She thought to herself, F
"I am extremely scared, G
but I know no one has ever cared". G
Most rhyming poems are in a ABABCDCD, AABBCCDD, ect. But yours is AABCCDEEFGG, which is all over the place. Your word choice is fine, but if you're going to create a rhyming poem, don't sacrifice rhyme, because it breaks the flow. AND flow is very important as well.
Despite that critisism, this is a great poem to start with. I'm glad that you are wanting to take the reviews from others, whether good or bad, and actually keep working on it. You definitely have potential. Keep writing!
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Thankz so much! Alot of people have been telling me the rhyming just doesn't work, So i've already started to rethink it. I still want to give the same message, in the same way, but just make it flow better (not as easy as i thought xP) so anyways thanks for the comment, I really appreciate it ^^
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OK... I'm not going to just tell you to tune it up a bit and leave it all vague-like. Obviously, you're looking for some real input... So, while I say what are only MY OPINIONS, remember this - this is indeed a very powerful subject and has the potential for a very powerful write.
You use the word "blood" ALOT in it... while this can be a downfall for alot of pieces, I think in this piece it works to your advantage - No, sappy metaphor or artistic embellishment - it makes it sharp and cutting. I think what would make it even better is to capitalize the whole word, so that when you see the poem initially, you can clearly see the "BLOOD" trickling down the poem... and when reading it splashes at the eye. (Maybe, even use it a bit more?!?)
Breaking things into paragraphs (or stanzas) helps the reader gather the flow of the piece as they read. Helps to distinguish a rhyming pattern also (if there is one).
There is alot of repeat action in it also... she wants to die, thinks of dying, cuts, blood. Breaking it up into separate paragraphs will (IMHO) make it more powerful a write and distinguish a pattern (poetically and symbolically).
"She" is used an awful lot, also... in this case I don't see it bettering the poem. There are ways of getting around using words too often and making a poem seem... ummm, basic. For example:
in,
"She pulls her razor blade out once again,
she starts to bleed and her carpet turns red,
she knows if she doesn't stop she will soon be dead.
But she has become addicted,
and she couldn't seem to stop,
she knew the razor was never going to drop"
"she" is used 8 times. It's just taking up space. You could drop it by just changing one word sometimes, like:
Pulling her razor blade out once again,
she starts to bleed, turning the carpet red,("and her" is not particularly necessary and can be done without, with a little bit of arrangement)
Knowing if she doesn't stop she will soon be dead.
But addiction must be fed,(assuming you meant the rhyme before, I added something to make it rhyme)
and she couldn't seem to stop,
knowing the razor was never going to drop
(and it's cut down to 4 times)
In the end, "She would have been surprised that there were, many, many people in the world who will miss her" just doesn't seem to belong and I think the poem would work better if you just modify the last line slightly... something like:
and its then that she loses her life.
too late now, she already saw the color of her blood.
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All that said, this is very good for your first try!!! You have great potential and I hope to see more of your poetry and any updates to this one that you deem fit to make.
Poetry is a very personal thing, so I will not take any offense if you should ignore everything I have suggested and keep it as is. Everyone has a different style and I respect that.
Three cheers to your first... don't let it be your last!
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Wow thankyou so much, finally some really good input! I do agree with some of the stuff you said, now that you pointed it out. Thankyou very much for your comments and I will take them into consiteration (and definatly make some changes) as soon as i can get around to it. Thanks again ^^
xoxox CareBear
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for a first poem this is absolutly amazing. even if it wasnt your first poem it would a very good write. i hope you don't feel this way but if you do and you ever need to talk to someone im really great at listening!
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wow this was interesting
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Very raw and powerful write. I did find it a bit bumpy, with spelling, grammatical and punctutation errors throughout. I also fond your change of tenses a little disconcerting as well. I do think this one will flow well and read stunningly with a few touches of polish here and there. Best of luck in this and all of your endeavors.
Hetohke'e *
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very good i like it alot .. i posted my first one up to because i like it alot
you can check it out.
return of the vampire.
3 hands up
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WOW!
Cutting and death with a touch of pain runs very deep until you cut the vains, huh? this is your first poem? well, well, done! very nice. i feel the saddness, the loneliness, the pain.... the cutting only hurts for a second as the mental pian goes away! GREAT WRITE loved the part about... one second (thank god for copy and paste):
"She continues to cut,
And more blood pours out,
And in her mind there is no doubt,
Soon she will fall and the pain will start to go away."
Great line... i feel that way. brilliant poem! keep up the good work!
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Wow
This is really dark and deep.I love the way you wrote it.Great job and keep writing. -
I think this poem is a great poem that shows alot of inner thought, this may or may not be how she feels about her own life but it is a poem that does indeed let you express your self of any of the black you might feel of any of the sadness in her life tho im sure she isnt sad or depressed to the point she wants to die. I really like this poem and has some potential keep it up Emo-Care-Bear
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DUDE THAT WAS REALLY......WOW I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY IF THIS IS REAL SOMEONE CALL THE PO PO!!!
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Very depressing, but also very good. X
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I agree with Heavenly Angel, i hope this isn't real. But I also think that some of the rhymes sound forced and akward. Its a good poem, just a little depressing. Good job!
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Welcome to AP
I hope this is just a sharing of the muse and that it's not an actual true to life piece....
It's very sad and has a depressing air about it; a sense of hopelessness
Well done for a sad piece
A few spelling errors but otherwise, well done
Welcome to allpoetry; hope you enjoy the site and if we can help you in any way, please let us know
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