Down from the million dollar hills
Across the boulevard of broken dreams
An insane break dancer does his moves
Under a street light for no one
I thought, odd, hitting loose smoke
On a flat roof with telescope
The moon had tangles of cloud
And I was startled by the freedom
To be so crazy, so moved, to dance...
Whether I was there, or not, did not matter
And that was what startled me the most
Then out of the corner of my eye
Shot a coyote, then another
All of us within yards
And just like that; we all went back
To forgetting eachother.
In a list
A contest entry
- A metaphorical message to the missing by Dienush.
750 points, ended February 19, 2007, 18 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Congratulations Jeremi. This is a good one.
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Your title made me think of a movie title! lol Like one of those art films or something.
Man thought this is an ugly background color. I wonder why you choose this one? Your poem was really cool though. I liked the way this one was a lot because it was all image. I found it really interesting about how it was a triangle between you, the coyotes and the break dancer. It made me laugh about you finding it so strange that the break dancer didn't need an audience. You must really need attention like water. lol Lots of people do things only for themselves and don't need others to see it. I guess we all have different needs but that part really made me smile big. And the whole poem seemed to be about a moment of time and how we connect with each other. It seemed so meaningful. And then I got to the last lines about how you guys all went back to forgetting each other. It just seemed so sad for some reason. I don't know why I felt such a big sense of loss but I did. Your poem really got to me. So I'd say you did a pretty darn good job of it.
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Coyotes only take you serious if you shoot at them. I honked at one trotting across the road just infront of me, and he barely twitched. The break dancer was practicing. Somebody s been hitting the twinkies; or do you do sumo now?
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I get a sense of freedom from this. A loss of inhabition, for a moment you forgot your pretenses.
I like it.
Sarah -
I've had moments like this, Jeremi, when thoughts, visions out of nowhere, perhaps brought on by some other thought or vision, have fleetingly crossed my path. Sometimes they're real, sometimes illusionary, sometimes, they hit me right where it hurts... and then they're gone as if awakening from a dream that is recalled for a few seconds then vanishes.
I had to smile at the 'insane break dancer' ..kinda reminds me of a certain insane poet I know
I really like this one, my friend. I read it the other day but had to leave before I could coment so put it in my bookmarks to come back to later.. I think I'll leave it there
Good luck in the contest
love and
Dee
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hmmm... over my head i suppose...
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not at all, this actually happened last week.
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Wow. This is indeed poetic, pleasant, and unique. Just what I was looking for. Thank you for entering.
~Diana -
brilliant
*insane poet crossing*
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