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Dawn keeps coming

Lost at twilight,
in the darkness quickly closing in
Shadowing my mind,
Wrapping around my senses,
Closing off my body
But dawn always comes
Reaching out to me,
just when I get lost in my teenhood
Erasing the depth of midnight's madness
Where I lose who I am, and my purpose
But as dawn approaches I find my lost self again
Shaking off the shades of the night
Even though my imagination may lead me astray the day still protects me
Where night just leaves me behind,
Thank God the dawn always comes

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • just-an-amateur
    February 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Thanks, I don't get told a lot that I have talent so it means even more if someone says that. Especially from someone as good as you. Thanks for the comment!
    "M"

  • just-an-amateur
    February 5, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Tried fixing it a bit, thanks for the very thoughtful and honest comment!
    "M"


    • Touchof1der silver member
      February 5, 2007

      Edit | Reply
      You might try something like...

      lost at twilight
      darkness closes in
      shadowing my mind
      engulfing my senses
      closing off my body


      then the rising dawn
      reaches out to me
      just as I begin to sink
      within my teenhood
      erasing the depth of
      midnight's madness
      where I lose who I am
      and my purpose

      the sun approaches as
      I find myself once again
      shaking off shades of night

      while my imagination
      may lead me astray
      the day protects me still

      where night leaves me behind
      the rise of dawn always comes

      Or something similar to that. I dunno. It was fun just to play with your thoughts and ideas here. I like what you have to say and STILL think it has a lot of potential.
      ♥ Touchof1der


  • Touchof1der silver member
    February 5, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    The main thing I might suggest is that you tighten the lines a little. This is usually accomplished by tossing out any unnecessary words and shortening the lines. It will also make your poem appear more aesthetically appealing if you elongate it, giving it a more traditional look. You have a thoughtful poem here. I appreciate you taking the time and making the effort to enter my contest. Thank you and good luck!
    ♥ Touchof1der